The Optimist is well-aware of the fact that he very recently posted about the Republican primary field, but after finally mustering up the incredible courage and tolerance to watch the Fox News debate, he has to opine again with a quick impression of the candidates.
Candidate: Newt Gingrich
Instant Impression: Gingrich did a remarkably successful job at holding himself up and preventing himself from losing his balance due to his abnormally large head bobbing all over the place. Also, he is very stupid.
Default Answer: "Well, I sure know Mitt Romney would say I'm wrong on this, but [nonsensical policy proposal]"
BS-meter rating: 80%
Candidate: Mitt Romney
Instant Impression: Romney impressively answered questions directed at him by inflating his conservatism by 200% with every word spoken. Also, he is fairly intelligent, but he acts very stupid.
Default Answer: "When I am president... who cares? Please make me president? Please?"
BS-meter rating: 95%
Candidate: Michele Bachmann
Instant Impression: Bachmann follows the rule she made up that the person who wears the most make up wins. Also, she makes Newt Gingrich look like a Nobel Laureate, i.e. she is very, very stupid.
Default Answer: "Barack Obama hates freedom, prosperity, and the American people. Bachmann 2012 yahhhh!"
BS-meter rating: 172%
Candidate: Rick Santorum
Instant Impression: Fox News get this so right in that they care about Rick Santorum as much as their viewing audience does, which is not at all. Possibly because Rick Santorum is also very stupid.
Default Answer: "Gay people suck... Please ask me another question sometime this hour. Please."
BS-meter rating: 196%
Candidate: Jon Huntsman
Instant Impression: Huntsman is fairly articulate but not nearly smart enough to make his newly asserted more conservative views convincing. In other words, he is, though not to the same degree as the others, somewhat stupid.
Default Answer: "It all comes back to our broken economy. That's why [attempt to make up economic terminology]"
BS-meter rating: 10%
Candidate: Ron Paul
Instant Impression: Ron Paul rules!!!!!!!!!! If Ron Paul were nominated, The Optimist would think long and hard between Paul and Obama. The dude sticks to his values and knows what he's talking about. Great guy with a weird outlook on life. Not stupid.
Default Answer: "Government sucks, but at least I'm not lying like the rest of you slimebags."
BS-meter rating: -100000%
Candidate: Rick Perry
Instant Impression: Rick Perry is George W. Bush if Barbara Bush had spent her pregnancy downing martinis. Must anything else be said? Sum the stupidity of the previous six candidates, square it, and you have Rick Perry's stupidity quotient.
Default Answer: "The purview of the outcome of the policy is... Alright, you caught me. I don't know what those words mean. Perry 2012!"
BS-meter rating: 7000000000000000000000%
The Optimist is really hoping to get in a part 1 of his bowl preview tomorrow so as not to miss the start of bowl season Saturday (the much-awaited New Mexico, Famous Idaho Potato, and R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowls, which feature a total of one team--Temple--that is semi-worth watching.) Also, The Optimist gives a shout-out to Wall of Fame members Joe Atlas and Eddie Zhou... admitted to Princeton! Congrats, boys. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the holiday season if The Optimist accidentally goes on holiday leave.
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