In light of the recent release of "Cars 2" (the first ever Pixar-produced film to generate- gasp- largely negative reviews) The Optimist thought he would rank all the Pixar movies, from great to greatest. Let's get to it.
(12. Cars 2): This is an unofficial last-place ranking, since I (alright, enough of this third-person stuff for a while) have yet to see it (I've seen all the other ones), but judging by the reviews, both professional and word-of-mouth, it will be the worst Pixar film yet. I mean, come on, the main character in this one is voiced by Larry the Cable Guy. I wouldn't trust Larry the Cable Guy to do anything (especially fix my cable), much less star in a major motion picture. Look how his self-titled movie turned out (not well). But we all know this is a shameless extension of the "Cars" brand, whose merchandise flies off the shelves for the 3-9 year old male demographic and is likely to pass the "Toy Story" franchise as the most successful merchandising branch of Pixar. So it's all a-okay, because if there's something I can get onboard with, it's a poor, cash-hungry small business like Pixar pulling itself up by the bootstraps with a little commercializing. Nice.
11. Cars: The original is probably better than the sequel, but definitely also right down there with Pixar's weakest stuff. The whole film suffers from a terrible predictability and general kids-movie-ness that is unusual for the studio. Aside from the running joke of calling the car known as The King "Mr. The King", there was not a whole lot of creativity or originality, and while "Cars" mildly entertained audiences of all ages, it was clearly targeted at younger children in a way none of the previous Pixar films had been.
10. Finding Nemo: In addition to causing a bunch of unintended environmental damage, "Nemo" was also one of Pixar's weaker films from a cinematic perspective. Now that we are done with the "Cars" franchise, of course, they are all fantastic, but "Finding Nemo" slots towards the back. It's not that there's anything particularly wrong with it- there's not- but it just doesn't quite connect on as deep of a level as some of the others. Also, the Ellen DeGeneres-voiced co-protagonist Dory is, while funny, rather annoying after a while. "Nemo" is good, sure, perhaps even very good, but not quite great.
9. Up: I have some qualms about putting "Up" this low because the opening montage is among the best scenes, if not the best scene, that Pixar has ever made. With the backing of the beautiful, Oscar-winning original score of Michael Giacchino, that montage conveys all of the highs and lows of an entire life as perfectly as they can be in just a few minutes. After that, though, the movie is tremendously fun but not quite able to measure up to the deeper standard it has set in the opening minutes. Between Russell, Carl Frederickson, and Dug the talking dog, "Up" does an admirable job of creating memorable characters, but can't quite pull at our heartstrings the way some of Pixar's others can.
8. Toy Story 2: By this point, it's really a torturous exercise to differentiate between the comparably terrific films that remain to be ranked. Actually, that problem started at number 10. But now even more so, so my justifications for ranking films lower than others are going to be pretty trivial. In the case of "Toy Story 2": I wasn't big on the whole Jessie character being introduced. Also, the bad guy in this one, a toy collector named Al McWhiggin, compares highly unfavorably with the toy-burning next door neighbor Sid from "Toy Story [1]". Still, as a whole, TS2 is a great, great movie that manages to generally measure up to the classic original.
7. Ratatouille: Another great film suffering all the way down at number seven simply because of the greatness of its colleagues in the Pixar world, "Ratatouille" is a heap of joy but somehow seems to be forgotten among the other giants produced over the years by Pixar. This is, to some degree, for good reason- there just doesn't seem to be anything quite as obviously memorable about the characters in "Ratatouille" when compared with, say, Buzz Lightyear or Mike Wazowski. Still, the story, ideas, and themes presented in "Ratatouille" are among the most touching and sweet in Pixar history and merit the acclaim heaped on the film upon its original release.
6. The Incredibles: A film that many consider to be among Pixar's very best, "The Incredibles" is certainly one of its most consistently engrossing, engaging the audience from start to finish with a perfect balance of action and comedy. It does, however, swing and miss occasionally on its ventures into emotion-land, an area that director Brad Bird improved much upon in "Ratatouille". But in terms of pure entertainment value, "The Incredibles" is among Pixar's elite, which gets it into the top half of the studio's films, with a legitimate argument to be among the top third.
5. Monsters, Inc.: "Monsters, Inc.", another movie that doesn't quite connect emotionally with the viewer to the same degree as Pixar's very finest, is still Pixar's funniest film. There will be a prequel released in 2013 (I've heard no word as of yet indicating what the 2012 Pixar film will be), a proposition I would be extremely excited about were I not wary of Pixar's franchise-building after the "Cars 2" debacle. Anyways, thanks largely to the help of the unforgettable protagonists Sully and Mike Wazowzki, as well as the low-on-screen-time, high-on-laughs characters of Roz and the Abominable Snowman, "Monsters, Inc." is a major success in the comedic realm for Pixar.
4. Toy Story: I would really put "Toy Story" all the way down at number seven, behind "Ratatouille", were it not for the film's historic value as the one that got everything started. Plus, "Toy Story"'s greatness is all the more impressive when it's considered that there was no precedent for the ambitious task of making an animated film with universal appeal before Pixar got started. Add to the mix the innovation in animation that "Toy Story" brought to the table and its containing of the now-timeless Randy Newman song "You've Got a Friend in Me", and there's no way it can be ranked any lower than this. By the way, it is also simply a tremendous film, all historical context set aside.
3. A Bug's Life: I may have overvalued "A Bug's Life" slightly because of my own fond childhood memories of it as my favorite film long before I could fully understand all the nuances of the script, but it regardless is yet another fantastic achievement by Pixar. It holds perhaps the strongest appeal to children out of any of the studio's films that also can maintain the interest of adults. The colorful cast of characters in "Bug's Life" make it alternately a fun, exciting, and touching journey through the world of insects, while the wonderful animation brings that world to life better than anyone could have imagined at the time of its release.
2. Toy Story 3: "Toy Story 3" also perhaps gets the bump of a little personal bias here, as I saw it at a more mature age than some of the others and can appreciate it on a level on which I couldn't appreciate, say, "Toy Story [1]" the first time I saw it. Still, "Toy Story 3" has everything anyone could ask for: laughs, most notably in the whole Buzz-speaks-Spanish and Barbie-meets-Ken scenes; adventure, in the several action sequences involving the trash collector and what-not; and emotionally wrenching moments, with an ending that made me and hopefully everyone at the theater cry or at least tear up. In my opinion, Toy Story 3 was the best of Pixar's most identifiable franchise.
1. WALL-E: I know I'm going to take a bunch of flak for this, but as both a movie a piece of art, "WALL-E" is Pixar's best work. The brief incorporation of live-action into the film seems strange at first, but it is just one of the many brilliant decisions made by director/writer Andrew Stanton that help to make "WALL-E" Pixar's most relatable and relevant film ever. While Stanton certainly isn't particularly subtle with his message, he is extremely careful in crafting a story and characters that are of high enough quality to fully make the points he wants to make. In addition to being incredibly important social commentary, however, "WALL-E" is also a beautifully simple love story, and as a perfect combination of both elements, becomes the best Pixar film ever made.
Please feel free to drop a comment down there if you disagree with any part of the rankings. Don't forget to check out my other blog, The Movie Optimist (more reviews pending and/or coming soon) and also become a follower of this one. A reminder to those who already are followers: a new section of the blog, the Wall of Fame, is kicking off soon. To have a picture on that page, you must sign up five new followers for this blog, and to have a bio on that page, you must sign up ten new followers. Friends, family, acquaintances, and enemies will all do the trick. As an added incentive, whoever reaches the five-follower mark first will not only get ten-follower status for free (that is, the first person to get a picture will also get a biography), and whoever reaches the ten-follower mark first can have the Wall of Fame named after them (The [Your Name Here] Wall of Fame). So get working on that, and thanks for reading!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
NBA Season Wrap (Western Conference)
The Optimist just realized that (gasp!) he totally forgot to do a sequel to the NBA Season Wrap Eastern Conference Edition, having been so satisfied with the Heat-bashing contained in that post that he couldn't have imagined any more NBA-related material was necessary. It probably isn't, in fact. But, always one to see things through, The Optimist presents the NBA Season Wrap, Western Conference Edition.
Dallas Mavericks: The team that everybody saw coming once they had already come, in actuality the Mavericks emerged out of nowhere to sweep the Lakers in the second round of the playoffs, establishing themselves as the dominant force that would eventually slay the Heat for the title. Sadly, the Mavericks' victory brought suffering to many in the form of 1) having to see Mark Cuban win something and 2) being subjected to endless hours of SportsCenter "debate" in which the NBA analysts anointed Dirk Nowitzki one of the 20, then 10, then 5, then 1 best player(s) ever.
Denver Nuggets: Unloading the deadly Carmelo Anthony Virus on the previously solid Knicks midway through the year, the Nuggets freed themselves up to play "as a team", a concept widely unheard of in American basketball after the collegiate level. This new dynamic of "teamwork", coupled with the inspirational cancer-recovery story of coach Geroge Karl, led many experts to pick the Nuggets to go deep into the playoffs until being paired up with the fellow expert-darling Thunder, who behind Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook's 1230982034 combined shots made quick work of the pass-happy Nuggets.
Golden State Warriors: Though their fans continued to insist that Monta Ellis and Stephen Curry were a dangerous backcourt tandem and David Lee was a formidable power forward, the Warriors struggled mightily yet again for some strange reason probably having to do with "not being anything close to a good team". But that small fact is nothing to deter new coach and former partner of Jeff Van Gundy on and perhaps off the court Mark Jackson, who promises that next year will bring newfound glory to the Golden State franchise. Good luck, Mark.
Houston Rockets: Honestly, who the hell knows what the Rockets did this year? The Optimist is pretty sure Trevor Ariza is on the Rockets... nope, we're getting word now that Trevor Ariza is in fact on the Hornets. Alright, then that one annoying white dude with long hair. What's his name? Scola. Right. Boy, are they wishing Yao Ming were 25 again in Houston these days.
Los Angeles Clippers: With the new leadership of theoretical rookie Blake Griffin, the Clippers lost in such exhilarating fashion this year that their moral victories record was 73-9, according to team sources. Their new Griffin-centric campaign is believed to be leading the team in a better direction than some of their previous campaigns, including "Los Angeles Basketball, But Without All That Winning Stuff", "Baron Davis: He's not as old as he seems", and "Screw this, just sell this team to anyone besides Donald Sterling".
Los Angeles Lakers: Behind aging but still lethal shooting guard and possible rapist (it's good to remind people once in a while) Kobe Bryant, the Lakers seemed to be on a crash course with the Heat for the Finals until the Mavericks reminded them that you actually need to show up to win playoff games. Luckily, the Lakers will be back next year, only this time with Kobe even older and no Phil Jackson magic. In other words, ha-ha, the Lakers blew their last really good chance at a title. The Optimist is going to cry himself to sleep every night now.
Memphis Grizzlies: The Optimist would first note that had the Grizzlies not gone on a random playoff winning spree, his season recap for them would have closely resembled that of the Rockets. However, they did go on said winning spree, making them a surprising playoff darling for at least a few weeks. With Zach "Isn't this the same guy that flamed out with like, three teams?" Randolph at the helm, and Marc "Not quite as ugly as Pau, but man must those parents be hurting" Gasol providing additional inside muscle, the Grizzlies bullied their way past the old and decrepit Spurs before pushing the young and, er, non-decrepit Thunder to a Game 7.
Minnesota Timberwolves: It seemed for a while this season like it was impossible to turn on any sports media outlet without being informed of T-Wolves big man Kevin Love's double-double streak being extended. What was usually withheld in the interests of making it seem impressive, however, is that his team was losing approximately 140-62 each night. But, boy, did he reel in those 12 missed shots well! All in all, even with Love setting individual milestones, it was another sorry season for the Wolves, made perhaps a teeny bit better by the heralded arrival of teen phenom/early '20s wash-out Ricky Rubio from Spain shortly after the end of the year. With Rubio in the mix, Minnesota should... well, probably not improve much at all. But who knows.
New Orleans Hornets: Right, so, as we learned earlier, the Hornets have Trevor Ariza. And definitely Chris Paul. Also, as The Optimist recalls, they started the season about 700-0 before realizing that they were the Hornets and finishing the year out in mediocrity. They did briefly capture the nation's hearts in a passionate flirtation with eliminating the Lakers in the first round, but after they lost in six games, no one really cared anymore. Even better news: Chris Paul is out of there as soon as his contract expires.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Steaming their way through the season led by the exciting and super-young duo of Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, the Thunder seemed to be a tremendously dangerous team come May. (That just doesn't sound as good as saying things about baseball teams in October. Right?) And they were, although Westbrook's interesting strategy of shooting in key situations without considering important pieces of information like "being by far less trustworthy or talented than Durant" continually threatened to sabotage the squad's chances. The Thunder, though, eventually became another in Dallas's mounting victims count.
Phoenix Suns: Despite boasting a whopping TWO former Stanford stars (Josh Childress and Robin Lopez), the Suns somehow struggled this season, most likely due to the fact that Steve Nash is now eighty years old, and his old teammate, Amare Stoudemire, was busy tearing up the Eastern Conference with new sidekick and other former Stanford star Landry Fields. The Optimist recommends that Phoenix enlist the help of Mark Madsen, Jason Collins, and Brook Lopez while they are at it, and knows the Stanford-Phoenix Cardinal-Suns will soon reign supreme.
Portland Trailblazers: Led by replacement star LaMarcus Aldrige after Brandon Roy seemingly obtained nine extra knees and broke them all, the Trailblazers meandered into the playoffs on a season of whatever-ness before Roy, re-appearing from the hospital bed for the first time in years, channeled his inner Brandon Roy-circa-2007 and propelled the Blazers in a remarkable Game 4 comeback to even their first-round series with the Mavericks. And then, of course, those pesky Mavericks took care of them like everyone else. Damn Mavericks.
Sacramento Kings: In what has to be one of the dumbest ideas in NBA history, rumors began circulating some time this season that the Kings would be moving to Anaheim. Right. Because once the Clippers have gobbled up the eight non-Lakers fans in the greater Los Angeles area, there will be a ton of market share left for a team that is literally one of the only teams in the past few seasons with a legitimate claim to being worse than the Clippers. The Kings have a former Rookie of the Year, a nice Jewish boy, and that's about it. Stay in Sacramento where someone, anyone, might care about you. Please.
San Antonio Spurs: A dynasty that was looking like it had one more great run in it, San Antonio jumped out on a record winning pace, coasted into the playoffs as the number one seed in the conference, and then... got taken care of by the Memphis Grizzlies. Of course, we should have seen this coming, what with one member of their big three having split from Eva Longoria after cheating on her, another being injured most of the time, and the third being a big man who needs one of the other two to get him the ball. But no one did. Until it happened. Then everyone did.
Utah Jazz: What will be remembered as the biggest disappointment in the Jazz's 2011 season? That they traded away franchise point guard Deron Williams, leaving only bits and pieces where there used to be a contender? That they fell seven games short of the playoffs after having made it four years in a row? That they continued to be called the "Jazz", even though the amount of jazz played in Utah is less than in The Optimist's jazz-less household? That they could not do the one thing that would have made it all better, drafting hometown Mormon hero Jimmer Fredette? Whatever your opinion, The Optimist thinks it's pretty clear how the year went for the Jazz.
Wow, that took way longer than The Optimist was expecting. Well, don't forget to check out the new Movie Optimist blog and start your campaign to appear on The Optimist's new Hall of Fame (add five followers for a picture, ten for a picture and bio). Thanks for reading!
Dallas Mavericks: The team that everybody saw coming once they had already come, in actuality the Mavericks emerged out of nowhere to sweep the Lakers in the second round of the playoffs, establishing themselves as the dominant force that would eventually slay the Heat for the title. Sadly, the Mavericks' victory brought suffering to many in the form of 1) having to see Mark Cuban win something and 2) being subjected to endless hours of SportsCenter "debate" in which the NBA analysts anointed Dirk Nowitzki one of the 20, then 10, then 5, then 1 best player(s) ever.
Denver Nuggets: Unloading the deadly Carmelo Anthony Virus on the previously solid Knicks midway through the year, the Nuggets freed themselves up to play "as a team", a concept widely unheard of in American basketball after the collegiate level. This new dynamic of "teamwork", coupled with the inspirational cancer-recovery story of coach Geroge Karl, led many experts to pick the Nuggets to go deep into the playoffs until being paired up with the fellow expert-darling Thunder, who behind Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook's 1230982034 combined shots made quick work of the pass-happy Nuggets.
Golden State Warriors: Though their fans continued to insist that Monta Ellis and Stephen Curry were a dangerous backcourt tandem and David Lee was a formidable power forward, the Warriors struggled mightily yet again for some strange reason probably having to do with "not being anything close to a good team". But that small fact is nothing to deter new coach and former partner of Jeff Van Gundy on and perhaps off the court Mark Jackson, who promises that next year will bring newfound glory to the Golden State franchise. Good luck, Mark.
Houston Rockets: Honestly, who the hell knows what the Rockets did this year? The Optimist is pretty sure Trevor Ariza is on the Rockets... nope, we're getting word now that Trevor Ariza is in fact on the Hornets. Alright, then that one annoying white dude with long hair. What's his name? Scola. Right. Boy, are they wishing Yao Ming were 25 again in Houston these days.
Los Angeles Clippers: With the new leadership of theoretical rookie Blake Griffin, the Clippers lost in such exhilarating fashion this year that their moral victories record was 73-9, according to team sources. Their new Griffin-centric campaign is believed to be leading the team in a better direction than some of their previous campaigns, including "Los Angeles Basketball, But Without All That Winning Stuff", "Baron Davis: He's not as old as he seems", and "Screw this, just sell this team to anyone besides Donald Sterling".
Los Angeles Lakers: Behind aging but still lethal shooting guard and possible rapist (it's good to remind people once in a while) Kobe Bryant, the Lakers seemed to be on a crash course with the Heat for the Finals until the Mavericks reminded them that you actually need to show up to win playoff games. Luckily, the Lakers will be back next year, only this time with Kobe even older and no Phil Jackson magic. In other words, ha-ha, the Lakers blew their last really good chance at a title. The Optimist is going to cry himself to sleep every night now.
Memphis Grizzlies: The Optimist would first note that had the Grizzlies not gone on a random playoff winning spree, his season recap for them would have closely resembled that of the Rockets. However, they did go on said winning spree, making them a surprising playoff darling for at least a few weeks. With Zach "Isn't this the same guy that flamed out with like, three teams?" Randolph at the helm, and Marc "Not quite as ugly as Pau, but man must those parents be hurting" Gasol providing additional inside muscle, the Grizzlies bullied their way past the old and decrepit Spurs before pushing the young and, er, non-decrepit Thunder to a Game 7.
Minnesota Timberwolves: It seemed for a while this season like it was impossible to turn on any sports media outlet without being informed of T-Wolves big man Kevin Love's double-double streak being extended. What was usually withheld in the interests of making it seem impressive, however, is that his team was losing approximately 140-62 each night. But, boy, did he reel in those 12 missed shots well! All in all, even with Love setting individual milestones, it was another sorry season for the Wolves, made perhaps a teeny bit better by the heralded arrival of teen phenom/early '20s wash-out Ricky Rubio from Spain shortly after the end of the year. With Rubio in the mix, Minnesota should... well, probably not improve much at all. But who knows.
New Orleans Hornets: Right, so, as we learned earlier, the Hornets have Trevor Ariza. And definitely Chris Paul. Also, as The Optimist recalls, they started the season about 700-0 before realizing that they were the Hornets and finishing the year out in mediocrity. They did briefly capture the nation's hearts in a passionate flirtation with eliminating the Lakers in the first round, but after they lost in six games, no one really cared anymore. Even better news: Chris Paul is out of there as soon as his contract expires.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Steaming their way through the season led by the exciting and super-young duo of Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, the Thunder seemed to be a tremendously dangerous team come May. (That just doesn't sound as good as saying things about baseball teams in October. Right?) And they were, although Westbrook's interesting strategy of shooting in key situations without considering important pieces of information like "being by far less trustworthy or talented than Durant" continually threatened to sabotage the squad's chances. The Thunder, though, eventually became another in Dallas's mounting victims count.
Phoenix Suns: Despite boasting a whopping TWO former Stanford stars (Josh Childress and Robin Lopez), the Suns somehow struggled this season, most likely due to the fact that Steve Nash is now eighty years old, and his old teammate, Amare Stoudemire, was busy tearing up the Eastern Conference with new sidekick and other former Stanford star Landry Fields. The Optimist recommends that Phoenix enlist the help of Mark Madsen, Jason Collins, and Brook Lopez while they are at it, and knows the Stanford-Phoenix Cardinal-Suns will soon reign supreme.
Portland Trailblazers: Led by replacement star LaMarcus Aldrige after Brandon Roy seemingly obtained nine extra knees and broke them all, the Trailblazers meandered into the playoffs on a season of whatever-ness before Roy, re-appearing from the hospital bed for the first time in years, channeled his inner Brandon Roy-circa-2007 and propelled the Blazers in a remarkable Game 4 comeback to even their first-round series with the Mavericks. And then, of course, those pesky Mavericks took care of them like everyone else. Damn Mavericks.
Sacramento Kings: In what has to be one of the dumbest ideas in NBA history, rumors began circulating some time this season that the Kings would be moving to Anaheim. Right. Because once the Clippers have gobbled up the eight non-Lakers fans in the greater Los Angeles area, there will be a ton of market share left for a team that is literally one of the only teams in the past few seasons with a legitimate claim to being worse than the Clippers. The Kings have a former Rookie of the Year, a nice Jewish boy, and that's about it. Stay in Sacramento where someone, anyone, might care about you. Please.
San Antonio Spurs: A dynasty that was looking like it had one more great run in it, San Antonio jumped out on a record winning pace, coasted into the playoffs as the number one seed in the conference, and then... got taken care of by the Memphis Grizzlies. Of course, we should have seen this coming, what with one member of their big three having split from Eva Longoria after cheating on her, another being injured most of the time, and the third being a big man who needs one of the other two to get him the ball. But no one did. Until it happened. Then everyone did.
Utah Jazz: What will be remembered as the biggest disappointment in the Jazz's 2011 season? That they traded away franchise point guard Deron Williams, leaving only bits and pieces where there used to be a contender? That they fell seven games short of the playoffs after having made it four years in a row? That they continued to be called the "Jazz", even though the amount of jazz played in Utah is less than in The Optimist's jazz-less household? That they could not do the one thing that would have made it all better, drafting hometown Mormon hero Jimmer Fredette? Whatever your opinion, The Optimist thinks it's pretty clear how the year went for the Jazz.
Wow, that took way longer than The Optimist was expecting. Well, don't forget to check out the new Movie Optimist blog and start your campaign to appear on The Optimist's new Hall of Fame (add five followers for a picture, ten for a picture and bio). Thanks for reading!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Spell it Write!
The Optimist, who thinks the title of this post is both a very bad pun and also possibly the title of his spelling book in like 6th grade (or maybe 3rd grade, who can tell?), is a renowned spelling expert. Having won his middle school's spelling bee in 8th grade, vanquishing highly competitive foes left and right, he has gained default membership of the prestigious Committee for Extraordinarily Strong Spelling Bloggers, and is a member of the National Association Of People Who Piss Off Their Facebook Friends By Correcting Their Spelling On Things That Do Not Really Matter That Much, or NAOPWPOTFFBCTSOTTDNRMTM, as it is more commonly known. That said, here are his five biggest misspelling pet peeves.
"Definately"- Nope, that's not how you spell "definitely". The thing that is hard for The Optimist to understand about this one is that "definite" is an adjective even without the modifying "-ly" that creates the adverb, which means that you should be able to figure out that such a word is not pronounced "Def-I-Nate". It doesn't make any sense. The only possibility here is that you have a friend and/or goldfish named Devin, stylized "Defin" for "funsies", and he/she ate the Internet country code for Libya (".ly"). But that only happens a couple of times a day, and people misspell "definitely" far more often than that rarely.
"Their"- OK, technically this is a word, but The Optimist cannot tell you how many times people will use it in place of "they're". For instance, "Their going to go to a movie tonight, but they said you couldn't come because you're a giant tool and always correct everyone's grammar" is one that The Optimist hears all the time! He might be insulted by such statements, except that he can't quite understand the sentence and reads it as "[Unknown entity] possesses an object called "going to go to a movie tonight", but [unknown entity] said you couldn't come...", which makes no sense and is far less insulting.
"Kindergarden"- The Optimist is well-versed in his German (nein really) and is therefore well aware that this is a word now used in English that comes from the German word "kindergarten", meaning "German word that presumably means school for younger children, but what do we look like around here, the Larousse dictionary company?" This improper spelling very incorrectly assumes that kindergarten is the type of time when much frolicking in gardens would be done, when really, at least for The Optimist, that grade consisted mostly of being forced to learn first and second grade material so that his teacher could brag wildly to the other kindergarten teachers about how great she was at teaching 5-year-olds heavily exaggerated stories about Indian-Pilgrim friendliness.
"Concience", "Consience", "Consciense", etc- Alright, The Optimist will admit that people don't actually use "conscience" all that much in online messaging, which is the most common context in which spelling errors come to light. However, when they do use it, how often do they get it right? A rough estimate would be 14.1345% of the time, but The Optimist hasn't done enough research to give a specific indication. The misspellings come in several different permutations of mistaken "s" and "c" placing, but The Optimist suspects that "conscience" may often be confused with "conscious", or, in The Optimist's experience, many people he knows are not familiar with the concept of a "conscience", which may be the root of the problem.
"Pro-life"- Sometimes people say they are "pro-life", which confuses The Optimist until he realizes it's really misspelled and should read "pro-forcing people who aren't ready to have children to not only have those children but to bring them into an environment that is unwelcoming to them and possibly incur health risks upon the child and/or the bearer of the child". The Optimist realizes he hasn't injected his own politics into the blog in a very long time and apologizes, although he thinks that's actually a fairly objective description of the risks of not aborting an unwanted child, and anyways come on, it's time for a new term for people who oppose abortion. Perhaps that nice one above will catch on.
The Optimist continues to encourage you to check out his new movie review blog, "The Movie Optimist" and become a follower of both that one and this one, if you aren't already. He hopes to be writing a post on this blog soon about his experiences writing on that blog (it's really a whole different work environment over at those offices, and the publisher is hard-core). He also reminds you if you're interested to check out his friends at the video gaming blog "The Iron Sight" and the travel blog "Bike Trippin' Across America". He would also like to take the time to announce to those who have not yet been informed the new opportunity to be a permanent part of The Optimist. There will be a new page debuting on this site as soon as someone qualifies called "The Hall of Fame". You can have your photo placed in the Hall of Fame by signing up five new followers for this blog, and have a biography written about you by The Optimist and placed next to your photo for an additional five (that is, ten total). Good luck and thank you!
"Definately"- Nope, that's not how you spell "definitely". The thing that is hard for The Optimist to understand about this one is that "definite" is an adjective even without the modifying "-ly" that creates the adverb, which means that you should be able to figure out that such a word is not pronounced "Def-I-Nate". It doesn't make any sense. The only possibility here is that you have a friend and/or goldfish named Devin, stylized "Defin" for "funsies", and he/she ate the Internet country code for Libya (".ly"). But that only happens a couple of times a day, and people misspell "definitely" far more often than that rarely.
"Their"- OK, technically this is a word, but The Optimist cannot tell you how many times people will use it in place of "they're". For instance, "Their going to go to a movie tonight, but they said you couldn't come because you're a giant tool and always correct everyone's grammar" is one that The Optimist hears all the time! He might be insulted by such statements, except that he can't quite understand the sentence and reads it as "[Unknown entity] possesses an object called "going to go to a movie tonight", but [unknown entity] said you couldn't come...", which makes no sense and is far less insulting.
"Kindergarden"- The Optimist is well-versed in his German (nein really) and is therefore well aware that this is a word now used in English that comes from the German word "kindergarten", meaning "German word that presumably means school for younger children, but what do we look like around here, the Larousse dictionary company?" This improper spelling very incorrectly assumes that kindergarten is the type of time when much frolicking in gardens would be done, when really, at least for The Optimist, that grade consisted mostly of being forced to learn first and second grade material so that his teacher could brag wildly to the other kindergarten teachers about how great she was at teaching 5-year-olds heavily exaggerated stories about Indian-Pilgrim friendliness.
"Concience", "Consience", "Consciense", etc- Alright, The Optimist will admit that people don't actually use "conscience" all that much in online messaging, which is the most common context in which spelling errors come to light. However, when they do use it, how often do they get it right? A rough estimate would be 14.1345% of the time, but The Optimist hasn't done enough research to give a specific indication. The misspellings come in several different permutations of mistaken "s" and "c" placing, but The Optimist suspects that "conscience" may often be confused with "conscious", or, in The Optimist's experience, many people he knows are not familiar with the concept of a "conscience", which may be the root of the problem.
"Pro-life"- Sometimes people say they are "pro-life", which confuses The Optimist until he realizes it's really misspelled and should read "pro-forcing people who aren't ready to have children to not only have those children but to bring them into an environment that is unwelcoming to them and possibly incur health risks upon the child and/or the bearer of the child". The Optimist realizes he hasn't injected his own politics into the blog in a very long time and apologizes, although he thinks that's actually a fairly objective description of the risks of not aborting an unwanted child, and anyways come on, it's time for a new term for people who oppose abortion. Perhaps that nice one above will catch on.
The Optimist continues to encourage you to check out his new movie review blog, "The Movie Optimist" and become a follower of both that one and this one, if you aren't already. He hopes to be writing a post on this blog soon about his experiences writing on that blog (it's really a whole different work environment over at those offices, and the publisher is hard-core). He also reminds you if you're interested to check out his friends at the video gaming blog "The Iron Sight" and the travel blog "Bike Trippin' Across America". He would also like to take the time to announce to those who have not yet been informed the new opportunity to be a permanent part of The Optimist. There will be a new page debuting on this site as soon as someone qualifies called "The Hall of Fame". You can have your photo placed in the Hall of Fame by signing up five new followers for this blog, and have a biography written about you by The Optimist and placed next to your photo for an additional five (that is, ten total). Good luck and thank you!
Friday, June 17, 2011
NBA Season Wrap (Eastern Conference)
With the close of the NBA season, The Optimist sees a shining opportunity to squeeze at least one (actually two, since this will be split in half) more sports-related post out, so here it is, with a team-by-team season summary.
Atlanta Hawks: Led by B-list free agent signee Joe Johnson, Atlanta flew largely under the radar all season, mostly because they obviously had no chance of contending for a title despite a respectable record. The Hawks dipped out of the playoffs in the second round against the Bulls in one of those series that seem close at the time but are remembered as being complete routs after the fact, much like the Mavericks' NBA Finals victory over the Heat.
Boston Celtics: With their trio of living fossils Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen no longer as effective, the Celtics relied heavily on point guard Rajon Rondo to carry them all the way to an incredibly disappointing second-round playoff loss to the Heat. Still, Paul Pierce's tweet "It's been a pleasure taking my talents to South Beach" after an early-season victory over the Heat ranks among the season's most memorable, especially since the Heat didn't even win a title.
Charlotte Bobcats: Following a season of mixed feelings (while the team missed the playoffs, it did, to the best of anyone's knowledge, continue to exist), the Bobcats' website carries the slogan "Prepare today, own tomorrow: two first-round picks, young core, committed owner, cap flexibility", which was chosen over the alternative "We do not have any players you have heard of, but at least we are not the Miami Heat, who, may we add, did not win a championship either".
Chicago Bulls: Led by league MVP Derrick Rose, the Bulls raced to an unprecedented first-place finish in the Eastern Conference, prompting ESPN analyst Michael Wilbon and absolutely no one else in the world to pick them to win the NBA title. In response, the Bulls struggled through two playoff series victories before crumpling at the feet of the invincible Miami Heat threesome. (Wait a second... isn't that the team that lost in the Finals after essentially guaranteeing victory?)
Cleveland Cavaliers: Led by blossoming superstars J.J. Hickson, Daniel Gibson, and Ramon Sessions, the Cavaliers flourished in the absence of LeBron James... in the first game of their season, a 95-87 victory over the heavily favored Celtics. While the season was later derailed by a 27-game losing streak, the Cavs now enjoy two of the first five picks in this summer's NBA Draft, which they are sure to spend on players in the mold of Brian Scalabrine so as not to set themselves up for another LeBron James heartbreak, a heartbreak numbed considerably by James' unraveling in the decisive games of the Finals.
Detroit Pistons: The Optimist is done beating around the bush with some of these teams. The Pistons' season sucked. So did those of the Cavs and the Bobcats. Oh, and has The Optimist mentioned the Heat? Their season was a massive failure as well.
Indiana Pacers: Although no one actually paid attention so it can't be confirmed for sure, the Pacers claim to have finished the regular season with a 37-45 record, good for eighth place in the Eastern Conference. Soon after, they pushed the Chicago Bulls to an unprecedented fifth game of their opening round series before bowing out of the playoffs, much to the disappointment of the entire state of Indiana and at least six Danny Granger fans nationwide, who were soon heartened by the elimination of the Miami Heat in the Finals.
Miami Heat: The suddenly powerful Miami Heat featured the intimidating trio of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh... and, may The Optimist mention for around the first time, did not win a championship. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Sucks for them. Read more about the Heat's season here.
Milwaukee Bucks: The Optimist is going to be honest here, he sort of forgot the Bucks existed until just now, and isn't very sure what to write about them. He can say with some certainty that after 82 games of dribbling a basketball up and down a court and at times shooting it at a basketball hoop, the Bucks did not have enough points relative to their opponents to qualify for the postseason, which culminated in the Miami Heat's ungraceful exit at the hands of the Mavericks. Such in-depth coverage is what we here at The Optimist pride ourselves on.
New Jersey Nets: After missing out on the free agent prizes of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amare Stoudemire, and Joe Johnson, the Nets consoled themselves by trading mid-season for a devastated Deron Williams, who very nearly resisted the urge to injure himself for the remainder of the year. Behind the contributions of Williams and former Stanford standout Brook Lopez (big shout-out), the Nets finished the season a mere 34 games under .500, a substantial improvement on their historically horrendous 2009-10 season, and a more impressive achievement than the Miami Heat's loss in the NBA finals.
New York Knicks: Not satisfied with the seismic contributions of former Stanford standout Landry Fields (even bigger shout-out), the greedy and selfish Knicks traded for professional trade-demander Carmelo Anthony, whose acquisition promptly sunk the rapidly accelerating Knicks ship by neutralizing Fields' dynamic presence on the court. Basketball experts such as The Optimist predict that the early season pairing of Fields and Amare Stoudemire will someday rank as one of the most lethal duos of all time, much unlike the title-less combination of Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.
Orlando Magic: With its front office following the clever strategy of "sticking a bunch of jump-shooting, non-defense-playing guards around Dwight Howard and watching him get mad at them on a play-to-play basis", the Magic fell far short of its preseason expectations, culminating in a first-round playoffs loss to the equally underwhelming Hawks. Basketball fans rejoiced heartily that the Magic's failure to meet its goals would likely result in a LeBron-like free agency for Howard after the 2011-12 season, perhaps even in another episode of "The Decision". Hopefully for Howard, he will win a championship with whatever team he signs with... unlike LeBron.
Philadelphia 76ers: Behind the new leadership of good coach and much better color commentator Doug Collins, the 76ers rebounded from a horrific start to the season to eke their way into the playoffs as the seventh seed, becoming the first in a string of teams that people rooted for solely because they were playing the Heat. While they could not vanquish Miami, Dallas would soon achieve that feat handily.
Toronto Raptors: The Raptors struggled mightily in the absence of former star Chris Bosh, who left the team to join the surefire champion Miami Heat. While the Raptors continued to suffer from problems including, but not limited to, having to listen to two national anthems before every game, having spent all their money on Hedo Turkoglu, and not really having much of a chance at finishing with a winning record, they were able to take great joy in watching Bosh and his Miami teammates bumble their way to a Finals loss.
Washington Wizards: Led by new star John "Not Gilbert Arenas" Wall, the Wizards managed to need only 25 chances before winning their first road game of the year. While Wizards fans would struggle to find promise in the team's 23-59 finish, the team's members can be consoled by the fact that "Wizards fans" don't exist. Also, the Heat suck.
The Optimist hopes this has been a comprehensive, fair, and objective summary of the NBA season (at least for the Eastern Conference). He reminds you to check out his new movie review blog, and to become a follower of this one (see at right). He also encourages you to check out his friends at The Iron Sight, a great source for all video-gaming related content, and Bike Trippin' Across America, which chronicles a really cool summer project. Thanks!
Atlanta Hawks: Led by B-list free agent signee Joe Johnson, Atlanta flew largely under the radar all season, mostly because they obviously had no chance of contending for a title despite a respectable record. The Hawks dipped out of the playoffs in the second round against the Bulls in one of those series that seem close at the time but are remembered as being complete routs after the fact, much like the Mavericks' NBA Finals victory over the Heat.
Boston Celtics: With their trio of living fossils Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen no longer as effective, the Celtics relied heavily on point guard Rajon Rondo to carry them all the way to an incredibly disappointing second-round playoff loss to the Heat. Still, Paul Pierce's tweet "It's been a pleasure taking my talents to South Beach" after an early-season victory over the Heat ranks among the season's most memorable, especially since the Heat didn't even win a title.
Charlotte Bobcats: Following a season of mixed feelings (while the team missed the playoffs, it did, to the best of anyone's knowledge, continue to exist), the Bobcats' website carries the slogan "Prepare today, own tomorrow: two first-round picks, young core, committed owner, cap flexibility", which was chosen over the alternative "We do not have any players you have heard of, but at least we are not the Miami Heat, who, may we add, did not win a championship either".
Chicago Bulls: Led by league MVP Derrick Rose, the Bulls raced to an unprecedented first-place finish in the Eastern Conference, prompting ESPN analyst Michael Wilbon and absolutely no one else in the world to pick them to win the NBA title. In response, the Bulls struggled through two playoff series victories before crumpling at the feet of the invincible Miami Heat threesome. (Wait a second... isn't that the team that lost in the Finals after essentially guaranteeing victory?)
Cleveland Cavaliers: Led by blossoming superstars J.J. Hickson, Daniel Gibson, and Ramon Sessions, the Cavaliers flourished in the absence of LeBron James... in the first game of their season, a 95-87 victory over the heavily favored Celtics. While the season was later derailed by a 27-game losing streak, the Cavs now enjoy two of the first five picks in this summer's NBA Draft, which they are sure to spend on players in the mold of Brian Scalabrine so as not to set themselves up for another LeBron James heartbreak, a heartbreak numbed considerably by James' unraveling in the decisive games of the Finals.
Detroit Pistons: The Optimist is done beating around the bush with some of these teams. The Pistons' season sucked. So did those of the Cavs and the Bobcats. Oh, and has The Optimist mentioned the Heat? Their season was a massive failure as well.
Indiana Pacers: Although no one actually paid attention so it can't be confirmed for sure, the Pacers claim to have finished the regular season with a 37-45 record, good for eighth place in the Eastern Conference. Soon after, they pushed the Chicago Bulls to an unprecedented fifth game of their opening round series before bowing out of the playoffs, much to the disappointment of the entire state of Indiana and at least six Danny Granger fans nationwide, who were soon heartened by the elimination of the Miami Heat in the Finals.
Miami Heat: The suddenly powerful Miami Heat featured the intimidating trio of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh... and, may The Optimist mention for around the first time, did not win a championship. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Sucks for them. Read more about the Heat's season here.
Milwaukee Bucks: The Optimist is going to be honest here, he sort of forgot the Bucks existed until just now, and isn't very sure what to write about them. He can say with some certainty that after 82 games of dribbling a basketball up and down a court and at times shooting it at a basketball hoop, the Bucks did not have enough points relative to their opponents to qualify for the postseason, which culminated in the Miami Heat's ungraceful exit at the hands of the Mavericks. Such in-depth coverage is what we here at The Optimist pride ourselves on.
New Jersey Nets: After missing out on the free agent prizes of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amare Stoudemire, and Joe Johnson, the Nets consoled themselves by trading mid-season for a devastated Deron Williams, who very nearly resisted the urge to injure himself for the remainder of the year. Behind the contributions of Williams and former Stanford standout Brook Lopez (big shout-out), the Nets finished the season a mere 34 games under .500, a substantial improvement on their historically horrendous 2009-10 season, and a more impressive achievement than the Miami Heat's loss in the NBA finals.
New York Knicks: Not satisfied with the seismic contributions of former Stanford standout Landry Fields (even bigger shout-out), the greedy and selfish Knicks traded for professional trade-demander Carmelo Anthony, whose acquisition promptly sunk the rapidly accelerating Knicks ship by neutralizing Fields' dynamic presence on the court. Basketball experts such as The Optimist predict that the early season pairing of Fields and Amare Stoudemire will someday rank as one of the most lethal duos of all time, much unlike the title-less combination of Dwyane Wade and LeBron James.
Orlando Magic: With its front office following the clever strategy of "sticking a bunch of jump-shooting, non-defense-playing guards around Dwight Howard and watching him get mad at them on a play-to-play basis", the Magic fell far short of its preseason expectations, culminating in a first-round playoffs loss to the equally underwhelming Hawks. Basketball fans rejoiced heartily that the Magic's failure to meet its goals would likely result in a LeBron-like free agency for Howard after the 2011-12 season, perhaps even in another episode of "The Decision". Hopefully for Howard, he will win a championship with whatever team he signs with... unlike LeBron.
Philadelphia 76ers: Behind the new leadership of good coach and much better color commentator Doug Collins, the 76ers rebounded from a horrific start to the season to eke their way into the playoffs as the seventh seed, becoming the first in a string of teams that people rooted for solely because they were playing the Heat. While they could not vanquish Miami, Dallas would soon achieve that feat handily.
Toronto Raptors: The Raptors struggled mightily in the absence of former star Chris Bosh, who left the team to join the surefire champion Miami Heat. While the Raptors continued to suffer from problems including, but not limited to, having to listen to two national anthems before every game, having spent all their money on Hedo Turkoglu, and not really having much of a chance at finishing with a winning record, they were able to take great joy in watching Bosh and his Miami teammates bumble their way to a Finals loss.
Washington Wizards: Led by new star John "Not Gilbert Arenas" Wall, the Wizards managed to need only 25 chances before winning their first road game of the year. While Wizards fans would struggle to find promise in the team's 23-59 finish, the team's members can be consoled by the fact that "Wizards fans" don't exist. Also, the Heat suck.
The Optimist hopes this has been a comprehensive, fair, and objective summary of the NBA season (at least for the Eastern Conference). He reminds you to check out his new movie review blog, and to become a follower of this one (see at right). He also encourages you to check out his friends at The Iron Sight, a great source for all video-gaming related content, and Bike Trippin' Across America, which chronicles a really cool summer project. Thanks!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Cold Heat
Well, it seems another NBA season has come to a close. For The Optimist, this season has been by far the most compelling as he, just like the rest of the country, has tuned in far more frequently to NBA games, news, and highlights, to follow the development of the Miami Heat experiment. And what an experiment it was, up until its rather anticlimactic end on Sunday night, when the Heat fell in the decisive Game 6 of the Finals to the Dallas Mavericks.
Since then, all anyone can talk about is how the Heat's season was a failure. Really? They were two wins away from a championship in their first season playing together. And their fourth best player was... Mike Miller? Mario Chalmers? Juwan Howard? Erik Spoelstra? The water boy? That doesn't sound like a championship caliber team to The Optimist. Sure, they had Lebron, D-Wade, and Chris Bosh, but it's been a very long time (if ever) that a team with as weak a fourth and fifth starter as the Heat won a championship.
Of course, the only reason the season is being called a "failure" is because of that fateful introduction party way back before the team had even run a practice at which the LeBron promised to win "not one... not two... not three... not four... not five... not six... not seven" championships. Yep, that sounds like a pretty safe bet as this point. In fact, he probably could've stopped at "not one". The fact of the matter is, no matter how stacked any one team gets, there will always be enough obstacles in their way that their odds of winning a championship are less than 50%. And if the Heat were ever going to have a nice, straight shot at the Finals, this was their year, with the Celtics old and senile, the Knicks still putting the pieces together, and the Lakers and Spurs dipping out of the playoffs early. Next year, the Heat will have to reckon with a Knicks team whose talent level rivals their own, a reloaded Bulls squad, and the Lakers, Spurs, Mavericks, and Celtics, all looking to squeeze out one more year of true contention from their aging stars.
But The Optimist can't say he feels sorry for the Heat. No, ever since "The Decision", he has been solidly in agreement with the vast majority of the world in rooting heavily against the Heat. In fact, The Optimist, who would not count himself as too big of an NBA fan, checked box scores far more routinely to see if the Heat were losing than to see if any particular team was winning. But LeBron and his boys had plenty of time to win back The Optimist's affection. Even after that horrific introduction party with flashing neon lights and a big stage, The Optimist's opinion still could have been swayed in time for the playoffs. (By the way, after that introduction party, did the Heat fans bail on them, or what? How long did it take- like three games?- before they launched that advertising campaign practically begging fans to show up?)
It was really the way the Heat handled themselves once the season began. LeBron trash talking the Cavs bench on his return to Cleveland? Really? What'd he say- "Hey, you guys are horrible, mainly because your whole team was built around the idea that I would stay in Cleveland and not drag out my free agency long past everyone else's before announcing in a TV special that I was going to go play in a city where the people are seven times more interested in walking around in bathing suits and pretending to be cool than watching basketball"? What a graceful chap. And then Wade's sarcastic comment in the midst of the Heat's early season struggles that "the world is a better place now because the Miami Heat is losing"? Of course it is! And Wade, of all people, should have been happy about that, since he states on his charity foundation's website that his ultimate goal is to "leave the world a better place than I found it".
So, no, of course The Optimist wasn't rooting for the Heat in the Finals. And his cheering interests were certainly backed up later on, between Wade and LeBron mocking Dirk Nowitzki's mid-series illness before the tipoff of Game 5, and LeBron saying something after the series to the effect that everyone who had been rooting against him would still have to face the same problems that they had before the Heat lost. Quite a great sport. The Optimist fully believes that LeBron is a good guy, and would go so far as to say he is a fan of LeBron James as long as he is disassociated with the Miami Heat, but boy does that guy need to learn some tact. It is The Optimist's every wish that the Heat will come back strong next year, as long as they learn how to conduct themselves like respectful human beings, and not poor put-upon little babies who have no idea why they are not the world's most popular athletes.
Thanks for reading. Just a reminder that you can a) become a follower of this blog (information is on the right), b) check out The Optimist's new secondary blog, The Movie Optimist (and of course feel free to become a follower of that one). Thanks for reading!
Since then, all anyone can talk about is how the Heat's season was a failure. Really? They were two wins away from a championship in their first season playing together. And their fourth best player was... Mike Miller? Mario Chalmers? Juwan Howard? Erik Spoelstra? The water boy? That doesn't sound like a championship caliber team to The Optimist. Sure, they had Lebron, D-Wade, and Chris Bosh, but it's been a very long time (if ever) that a team with as weak a fourth and fifth starter as the Heat won a championship.
Of course, the only reason the season is being called a "failure" is because of that fateful introduction party way back before the team had even run a practice at which the LeBron promised to win "not one... not two... not three... not four... not five... not six... not seven" championships. Yep, that sounds like a pretty safe bet as this point. In fact, he probably could've stopped at "not one". The fact of the matter is, no matter how stacked any one team gets, there will always be enough obstacles in their way that their odds of winning a championship are less than 50%. And if the Heat were ever going to have a nice, straight shot at the Finals, this was their year, with the Celtics old and senile, the Knicks still putting the pieces together, and the Lakers and Spurs dipping out of the playoffs early. Next year, the Heat will have to reckon with a Knicks team whose talent level rivals their own, a reloaded Bulls squad, and the Lakers, Spurs, Mavericks, and Celtics, all looking to squeeze out one more year of true contention from their aging stars.
But The Optimist can't say he feels sorry for the Heat. No, ever since "The Decision", he has been solidly in agreement with the vast majority of the world in rooting heavily against the Heat. In fact, The Optimist, who would not count himself as too big of an NBA fan, checked box scores far more routinely to see if the Heat were losing than to see if any particular team was winning. But LeBron and his boys had plenty of time to win back The Optimist's affection. Even after that horrific introduction party with flashing neon lights and a big stage, The Optimist's opinion still could have been swayed in time for the playoffs. (By the way, after that introduction party, did the Heat fans bail on them, or what? How long did it take- like three games?- before they launched that advertising campaign practically begging fans to show up?)
It was really the way the Heat handled themselves once the season began. LeBron trash talking the Cavs bench on his return to Cleveland? Really? What'd he say- "Hey, you guys are horrible, mainly because your whole team was built around the idea that I would stay in Cleveland and not drag out my free agency long past everyone else's before announcing in a TV special that I was going to go play in a city where the people are seven times more interested in walking around in bathing suits and pretending to be cool than watching basketball"? What a graceful chap. And then Wade's sarcastic comment in the midst of the Heat's early season struggles that "the world is a better place now because the Miami Heat is losing"? Of course it is! And Wade, of all people, should have been happy about that, since he states on his charity foundation's website that his ultimate goal is to "leave the world a better place than I found it".
So, no, of course The Optimist wasn't rooting for the Heat in the Finals. And his cheering interests were certainly backed up later on, between Wade and LeBron mocking Dirk Nowitzki's mid-series illness before the tipoff of Game 5, and LeBron saying something after the series to the effect that everyone who had been rooting against him would still have to face the same problems that they had before the Heat lost. Quite a great sport. The Optimist fully believes that LeBron is a good guy, and would go so far as to say he is a fan of LeBron James as long as he is disassociated with the Miami Heat, but boy does that guy need to learn some tact. It is The Optimist's every wish that the Heat will come back strong next year, as long as they learn how to conduct themselves like respectful human beings, and not poor put-upon little babies who have no idea why they are not the world's most popular athletes.
Thanks for reading. Just a reminder that you can a) become a follower of this blog (information is on the right), b) check out The Optimist's new secondary blog, The Movie Optimist (and of course feel free to become a follower of that one). Thanks for reading!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Introducing...
The Optimist is pleased to introduce its new spin-off blog (also written by The Optimist), The Movie Optimist. Creative name, eh? The new blog will feature a review of every movie I see from now going forward... and that's it. This blog will continue to carry movie-related posts such as the Summer Movie Guide, but movie reviews will now be done exclusively on the other site. The Movie Optimist is much more of a personal thing for me, and unlike this site, I do not much care if there is a readership for it. That said, I do encourage you to check it out, and I will plug it from time to time... but as I said, it exists mainly for my own satisfaction so that I can keep track of what I thought of different movies. The existence of the new blog will not in any way cut into the posting done here on The Optimist (original edition), so you can exhale now. Anyway, if you are interested, feel free to take a look. Thanks!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Summer Guide: HAGS
This is one of the very few posts when The Optimist will target almost exclusively his own demographic (extremely handsome teenagers), but the subject of the post seems timely. Each year during the last week of school, millions of middle and high schoolers across the country are cruelly forced to spend literally several hours of their lives signing each other's yearbooks so that, in 20 years, the yearbook may be thrown in the trash without ever having been read. While these signatures may otherwise come directly from the heart, sometimes the signer may find themselves pressed to think of something to say. Here is a handy Mad Libs-like formula to guide you through the signing process.
Male to male: BRO! I'm so glad we were able to chill this year! It's been awesome being in [insert class name(s) here] with you! I can't believe the year has gone by so fast, it seems like just yesterday that we were discussing [insert name of girl in above class] on the first day of school. I hope we have some more classes together again next year. You're a [insert somewhat applicable adjective here] guy. Let's hang out this summer. -[your name]
Female to female: [Girl's name]! I'm so glad we've gotten to know each other better this year! It's been so much fun! I will always remember [insert random "inside joke" here that is not funny to anyone, including either party in this yearbook signing]! LOL, those were the best times ever! You are really smart and nice and super pretty, especially with your new haircut! We NEED to see each other this summer. Love, [your name]
Male to female: Hey [girl's name]! It was crazy having so many classes together this year [use this line even if you only had one class together], I can't believe we suffered through so many ridiculous times with [insert teacher(s) of said class(es) here, even if they offered no "ridiculous times"]. I really hope that next year we will be able to continue the tradition of [insert something you did once together in class for one to three minutes]. Haha, I'll always remember that. You're awesome, let's hang out this summer. -[your name]
Female to male: [Boy's name]! You're sooo [insert "funny" if somewhat close to being true, and "nice" otherwise], and you're amazing at [insert any extracurricular activity the signee participates in]! I'm really happy we got to know each other better this year. I can't believe it went by so fast, but I really hope we'll have some classes together next year so all the fun times can continue. We definitely should hang out this summer. Love, [your name]
To someone you strongly dislike and/or don't know well and/or is the fifteenth person to ask you to sign their yearbook in the last two minutes: Hi [person's name], it was cool that we got to know each other in [insert name of class here]. Have a good summer! -[your name]
Hopefully this guide has been useful to you, and, although you have now promised a majority of your summer to hanging out with random people, you have also gotten through yearbook signing painlessly. Drop a comment if you find any of these to be strikingly similar to something written in your own yearbook, or if you need a formula for a more specific yearbook signing situation. Don't forget to become a follower using the tools to the right. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Summer Guide: Newsmakers
To continue the Summer Guide, The Optimist has slipped off his "Current Events Analyst Cap" and is pulling on his "Future Events Predictor Stockings" (if you don't watch Arrested Development, that probably made no sense). Anyhow, here are some news developments to expect between now and when summer wraps up in the awkward August/September "is it still officially summer even though we are back in school?" time period.
Sarah Palin will, at some point during her "Famous Sites" tour, make it clear that she thinks the Boston Tea Party was an important legislative conference between tea-sipping patriotic leaders of this grand ol' country of ours, then try to recover by reminding us that we can't all be elitist historians.
Kim Kardashian's new marriage to "Generic Athlete Love Interest #7" will end within weeks when she repeatedly makes the mistake of calling him Reggie during intimate moments. The new spin-off season of "Keeping up with the Kardashians", "Kim and Attorney Klemschwitz Take Divorce Court", will pull in record ratings.
Jim Carrey's new children's movie, "Mr. Popper's Penguins", will tank, but he will manage to find a new low when he confirms rumors that a sequel for his horror film "The Number 23" is in production.
Hailee Steinfeld will back out of the new "Romeo and Juliet" movie amid controversy over the requirement that her character appear nude and in a sex scene. If she doesn't, The Optimist is finding a new celebrity crush. That's just ridiculous, come on.
Lady Gaga will die in a horrible accident involving a highly dangerous wardrobe, excessive hairspray, and hearing one of her grossly repetitive songs for the one-too-many-eth time.
Mitt Romney will surge into the lead for the Republican nomination, with polls showing that Republican voters applaud him for pioneering health care reform in Massachusetts. Just kidding. More realistically, New York representative Peter King will lead GOP primary polling as football-starved rednecks confuse him for Sports Illustrated NFL guru Peter King.
Barack Obama and his staff will go a solid month without making public mention of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, then, seeing approval ratings slipping back down, finally release photos of a bloodied Bin Laden pleading to let him live at least until the next episode of "Cougar Town".
Tiger Woods will continue to show absolutely no sign he is capable of winning a golf tournament, but that will not stop the majority of golf writers' coverage of the sport to feature the headline "When Will Tiger Woods Win His Next Golf Tournament?", occasionally mixed in with a few that say "If It's Not Soon, We're All Going To Lose Our Jobs".
Seabiscuit, who has been dead for 64 years, will win the Belmont Stakes. No one will notice.
The Optimist will become the newest Nostradamus after every one of these things happens.
Thanks for reading, and become a follower using the information to the right!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Summer Guide: Movies
The summer guide continues tonight with movies, and although I could probably write a whole book about movies that are scheduled for this summer (we'll run from tomorrow through August 26), I will constrain myself to short blurbs about the seven movies I am most and least excited for this summer.
Seven Up
7. Conan O'Brien Can't Stop (June 24) is a documentary about Conan's away-from-TV comedy tour that looks both interesting and funny, given that, while I'm not a huge fan of his show, I think Conan himself has a pretty good sense of humor. Let's put it this way- I wouldn't list a "Jay Leno Can't Stop" movie on my top seven for the summer.
6. The Guard (July 29) looks promising, has positive early reviews, and features my boy Don Cheadle as one of the leads. The biggest issue here will be understanding the accents; I'm pretty sure I missed at least half of the lines in the preview.
5. Submarine (June 3) is getting rave reviews and opens tomorrow. Another movie where the accents might be a little tricky, but my bigger concern is that it's a movie dependent on child actors not named Hailee Steinfeld, which is troubling because 1) child actors are, on average, 700 times worse than grown-up actors and 2) Hailee should be cast in every child role.
4. 30 Minutes or Less (August 12) has the always lovable Jesse Eisenberg, the funny-when-he-doesn't-choose-horrible-roles Danny McBride, and the sublime Aziz Ansari, who is getting his big break as one of the leads here. I'll admit there weren't quite as many good lines in the preview as I'd have liked, but I expect big things.
3. Beginners (June 3) also opens tomorrow and looks, while possibly pretentious, like it has the potential to be an early dark horse contender for an Oscar nomination. (Maybe. Who do I look like to you, Roger Ebert? How the hell should I know what'll be nominated? Don't hold it against me when this doesn't come close.) Anyways, it should be one of the first really quality films of the year.
2. The Trip (June 10) has the most tantalizingly funny preview that I've seen in a very long time. The biggest concerns here are that 1) it'll never actually make it to "a theater near you" and 2) that the playful British banter will get tiring some time significantly earlier than the end of the feature-length movie.
1. Horrible Bosses (July 8) has a jam-packed cast rivaled only by fellow summer comedy "Crazy, Stupid, Love" (which has Steve Carrell, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, Kevin Bacon, and Julianne Moore, but a blah preview) and should be hilarious. The preview is right up there in laughs with "The Trip", so hopefully this won't become another one in a string of comedy disappointments ("Arthur", "Your Highness", and, from what I hear, "The Hangover 2".)
Seven Down
7. Good Neighbors (July 29) appears to be a quasi-horror movie starring Jay Baruchel of "Knocked Up" and "Tropic Thunder". Why? Anyone can play this role, let Baruchel star in a comedy this summer. Also, this movie is by Magnolia Pictures, which has become the bane of my existence by releasing movie after movie with lofty but completely misguided aspirations of becoming a critically acclaimed awards season contender.
6. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (August 5) somehow went unmentioned in the discussion of sequels last week. Don't know why this movie is happening, and I don't care to. I would like to know, though, why this is James Franco's follow-up to "127 Hours". He must've had a huge selection of roles and he went with... a "Planet of the Apes" prequel. Awesome.
5. The Help (August 12) is down here mostly because of how completely ridiculous the casting choice of Emma Stone was here. Does she look ridiculous with that hair, or does she look ridiculous with that hair? Also, it appears to be attempting simultaneously to have lighthearted, broad mainstream appeal and "serious movie" ambitions, and doesn't look like it will quite achieve either.
4. Larry Crowne (July 1) looks putrid. "Hey, let's make another predictable, formulaic romantic comedy, but instead of casting attractive young people, let's cast aging stars who are better suited to be in, um, any movie except this one! Yeah!" The preview went over big in the Rapid City, South Dakota theater, though, for reasons still unclear to me.
3. Cowboys and Aliens (July 29) looks good on paper with the cast (Daniel Craig, Olivia Wilde, Tommy Lee Jones) and director (Jon Favreau of "Iron Man") until you get to the title. Seriously, they're really grasping at straws these days in Hollywood. "Alright, what hasn't been done yet?" "I don't know... we've done cowboys, we've done aliens... Hey! How about cowboys and aliens! Gee whiz!"
2. Zookeeper (July 8) stars Kevin James as a zookeeper who decides to leave his position to win over a girl 4,000,000 times more attractive than him, only to be subdued by the zoo animals, who can talk. Need I go on? If you answered yes, please go watch the preview for James' last solo opus, "Paul Blart: Mall Cop", and that should explain everything.
1. Green Lantern (June 17) is as great of a threat to Ryan Reynolds' career as the bubonic plague is to a 17th century Londoner. As soon as he saw those computer-rendered Green Lantern-things (can't say I'm too up on my comic book knowledge) he should have run far, far away from this. Please end the "let's make every Marvel and DC comic into a movie just because we can" trend as soon as possible.
I know I went a little heavy on the comedies, especially in the positive section, but, hey, those are the best looking movies of the summer. Also, note that I tried to stay away from any movies I talked about in the post about sequels, which there is a link to earlier in this post. The summer guide will continue soon with a special edition of the style watch and summer outlooks for music, sports, and more. Take a look at the lovely information on "following" to the right and thanks for reading!
P.S. (this is my first ever P.S., how exciting), if you have nothing to do, this is quite amusing.
P.S. (this is my first ever P.S., how exciting), if you have nothing to do, this is quite amusing.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Summer Guide: Travel
Let's cut to the chase here: this will be the first part in a multi-layered Summer Guide that should prepare you for the impending season of fun and summer homework. In this post I will educate you with regards to where you should plan to travel this summer.
New York is a pretty fun place to visit, which is good, except that everyone in China knows that too, so the lines are pretty long to see anything popular.
Los Angeles is possibly the most overrated city in America, unless you have a chance encounter with Hailee Steinfeld, who The Optimist think lives in the area, in which case it defaults to the number one summer destination. But seriously, what's there to do? Universal Studios? Yuck.
San Diego is basically a fun version of Los Angeles. The Optimist recommends it.
Chicago is a great city but the summers are a little hot. Try again in September or so.
Boston is kind of cool if you're into historical stuff, but if you don't care too much about, say, the grave of John Adams's long-lost cousin, Hulga, it's probably not worth your time.
Hawaii is so fun that even The Optimist enjoyed spending time with his perennial nemesis, beaches, when he went there last summer. Worth a week or two.
North and South Dakota are super empty, but that didn't stop The Optimist and family from taking their Memorial Day vacation there. Unless you're as weird as they are, you can do better.
England is fun if you go to London, but outside of that there's just a bunch of old rocks and people with bad teeth and cool accents.
France is a great place to go if you like to eat food and overhear a lot of American tourists make jokes about the French army, which never get old (and by never The Optimist means immediately). But actually it's pretty nice.
Turkey and Portugal are completely unrelated except for the fact that they are the two places The Optimist is going this summer, so they better be awesome. But unless I'm missing something, they are still Turkey and Portugal.
Africa and the Middle East feature many incredibly interesting and significant historical landmarks that only come with about a 45% chance that you will become caught up in a civil war and never see them.
India is probably cool and all, but The Optimist can't really get excited about it, especially after seeing "Slumdog Millionaire", which, despite the promises of upward mobility for a young Indian peasant such as myself, did not make an all-too-convincing sales pitch.
China and Japan would probably be very angry to be grouped together like this were this publication to be at all significant, but as it is no one will care. Both are probably very interesting, but, similar to India, The Optimist has other higher travel priorities.
Australia would be one of those priorities. Unfortunately, summer here is winter for those crazy blokes (do they say that in Australia or England? Who knows...) Down Under, so it's more of a Christmas break destination.
South America is definitely way too broad to be written as a single location but The Optimist is getting lazy. If the research team at The Optimist headquarters is not mistaken, it is also winter in most of South America during our summer, but the tropical areas are worth doing if you're into it.
The Optimist hopes this comprehensive guide has helped you formulate your summer travel plans. If there were any destinations left out that you believe should have been covered, leave a comment and The Optimist will see what he can do when the Summer Guide rolls on tomorrow. Also see if you can take two seconds to follow the instructions at right on becoming a follower. Thanks for reading.
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