Who says baseball isn't exciting? A rip-roaring final day of the season brought us two extra-inning games, two walk-off hits, two wild card champions, and tons of drama. The Optimist couldn't peel his eyes away from his television for four or five hours, even with his usually scintillating statistics homework sitting by his side.
The Rays, down seven runs in the eighth inning, came surging back against the Yankees' Double-A team (the starters all got benched roundabouts the sixth inning) to score six in the eighth and one, a two-out, pinch-hit home run from Dan "So Bad The A's Cut Him" Johnson, in the ninth. Meanwhile, the Red Sox, after a lengthy rain delay, somehow managed to make it out of the eighth inning despite putting Daniel Bard, who has been good for six or seven earned runs per appearance, on the mound. But then, after squandering a fantastic shot at insurance runs in the top of the ninth, the Sox brought in everyone's favorite least favorite player, Jonathan Papelbon, for the save. Wait, make that... the blown save!
Chris Davis, Nolan Reimold, Robert Andino. Those are the names of the Orioles who netted consecutive two-out hits off of Papelbon to come from behind and win in the bottom of the ninth. The Red Sox seemed to know they had been eliminated as that game ended, even as the Rays-Double A Yankees game continued on into the 12th. But it was destined to be a Teal (is that the Rays' color?) October, as the Rays' official only decent hitter Evan Longoria sent his second home run of the game soaring at least seven inches above the left field fence to send Tampa Bay to the playoffs.
The National League race, no slouch in its own right, did seem a bit bland in comparison. The Cardinals, for one, had to go and spoil the fun by beating the Astros 8-0 (scoring five runs before recording an out in the first inning) in a game that was never close. Leave it to the Astros, who would get mercy-ruled by the Double A Yankees, to take the excitement out of what should have been a riveting game. On the flip side of the coin, the Braves took what looked to be a game they had put away (with rival rookie of the year candidates Johnny Venters and Craig Kimbrel working the last two innings) and handed it back to the Phillies by issuing something like seventeen walks in the eighth and ninth, then gave up in extra innings what proved to be the decisive run on a pathetically wimpy infield single by Hunter Pence that can only be described as Hunter Pencian.
So, what did we learn? First, that baseball is awesome. All the haters out there can shove it. Second, that we just watched not one but two of the most epic collapses in the storied history of the sport get topped off in one night. Every Red Sock (Sox? Soxx? Soxe?) and Brave should spend the next four and a half weeks crying, then retire. Those were some disgraceful stretches by both teams.
But, most importantly, we learned that the idea to expand the playoffs to five teams (two wild card teams) is THE STUPIDEST IDEA IN THE WORLD. And it should be noted that we here at The Optimist try to keep things professional, so switching to all-caps indicates a serious angry streak. The cash-hungry jackals in the league office should realize that today, possibly the most exciting day of baseball since The Optimist was born, would have been just another day of baseball if both wild-card contenders in each league were going to make it anyway. Expanding the playoffs would be stupid. Just like the NCAA with March Madness, MLB is trying to fix something that ain't broke. Forget it, Bud Selig. Go home. Please.
Also, as a quick side note, The Optimist is pulling for his preseason World Series pick, the Brewers, to go all the way, but if it has to be someone else, he is taking the Rays. For sure. That comeback was just too gutsy to ignore. Anyway, that is all for today. Please don't refrain from becoming a follower (see instructions at right), sharing this link on Facebook (as The Optimist can no longer do so himself), Tweeting it (people seem to do that), and starting your Wall of Fame campaign now. Special Wall of Fame deals may be offered in the near future. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Facebook and I: An Achingly Deep Memoir
For those of you who may not know, I recently parted ways with my longtime life partner, Facebook (Incorporated). What follows is an wholeheartedly articulated outpouring of emotion and thought on the crushing breakup. I suggest listening to this fantastic song to set the mood while you read.
When I was younger, I always dreamed of forging a relationship with Facebook. It was like a cheap, sexy prostitute who would do anything for you if you sacrificed enough and were at least 13 years old. Once I turned that magical age, the chemistry was sweet and sudden. Not only could I interface with my friends (or "friends"), but I also suddenly had just one more refuge from that greatest of evildoers, homework.
For years, Facebook and I lived together happily. I would give it the rights to steal my personal conversations, sell my pictures to advertisers, and transfer my information to mysterious "third parties," and in return it would provide me with the illusion of a flourishing social life. We would stay up late together, wake up early together, provide each other companionship when no one else was free.
It was like I was Michael Jackson, and Facebook was a three-year-old child that had tumbled happily into my life. It just felt like something so right could not be so wrong. But soon differences emerged. Facebook was changing and growing faster than I wanted it to. It didn't just want to help me see what my friends were up to anymore, it wanted me to take quizzes to see which character from Harry Potter I was most similar to, or to help my ninth-best friend from third grade win his game of Mob Wars.
This wasn't the Facebook I'd fallen in love with, but I stuck it out. We discussed our problems, and Facebook agreed to tone it down. It allowed me to shove all the Mob Wars requests to one side, and all the Harry Potter quizzes to the other. As far as Facebook was concerned, little had changed, and even the little changes were for the better. But my guard was up now.
Just around this time, my dear partner Facebook became the subject of the powerful film "The Social Network." All of the skeletons it had been hiding away in that locked closet I yearned to open came tumbling out. Facebook was no longer sweet and well-meaning, but the creation of an unpredictable force, the Frankenstein's monster to Mark Zuckerberg's Frankenstein.
I was aghast. It was plain to see that Facebook was sneaking around behind my back, bonding intimately with every one of my friends, and doing so almost too obviously. Not only that, but it seemed to lack any sort of feeling toward any of its dozens of partners, motivated only by a cold desire for power and (dare it be said?) world domination. But something about Facebook's essence was too addictive. I couldn't let go-- not yet.
Slowly, though, the truth began to sink in. Facebook created a feature that allowed me to be added to any "group" without my consent. ("Public groups," they were called. If every group that stood out in the open and tried to solicit my membership had its way, I would be a Hare Krishna seven times over by now.) It bombarded me with polls, networks, pages, and targeted advertisements from every direction.
Seeing my frustration with its unsuccessful attempts to win back my love, it turned to its final tactic: Changing its personality to be so addictive that I could not leave it, however much I wanted to. This newest strategy brought about the infamous "Live Feed," which in addition to showing the activity of all of my friends in real time, promised to soon add information on what external sites my friends were browsing, what music they were listening to, and what movies they were watching.
This was the final straw. Facebook had gone stark, raving mad. It was once my picture-perfect darling, but it had become an overgrown behemoth of a villain, driving our relationship with closely monitored addictive behavior rather than the love and happiness that had once held us together. It was just time to go. And so, I quit my relationship with Facebook.
Not forever, of course-- Facebook doesn't allow its exes that satisfaction. It kindly puts our relationship on hold, per se, freezing it right where we last left off so that we can resume our courtship whenever I feel that strange, unpreventable yearning to return back to its arms. But for now, I am gone, and when I do make the inevitable return, I hope it will have cleaned itself up enough to care for me a little bit again. The end.
For more soul-touching stories like this, become a "Follower" of The Optimist. Just take the easy steps outlined to the right. Thanks for reading and remember, The Optimist cannot see your Facebook comments anymore, so if you want to give feedback, the forum is below.
When I was younger, I always dreamed of forging a relationship with Facebook. It was like a cheap, sexy prostitute who would do anything for you if you sacrificed enough and were at least 13 years old. Once I turned that magical age, the chemistry was sweet and sudden. Not only could I interface with my friends (or "friends"), but I also suddenly had just one more refuge from that greatest of evildoers, homework.
For years, Facebook and I lived together happily. I would give it the rights to steal my personal conversations, sell my pictures to advertisers, and transfer my information to mysterious "third parties," and in return it would provide me with the illusion of a flourishing social life. We would stay up late together, wake up early together, provide each other companionship when no one else was free.
It was like I was Michael Jackson, and Facebook was a three-year-old child that had tumbled happily into my life. It just felt like something so right could not be so wrong. But soon differences emerged. Facebook was changing and growing faster than I wanted it to. It didn't just want to help me see what my friends were up to anymore, it wanted me to take quizzes to see which character from Harry Potter I was most similar to, or to help my ninth-best friend from third grade win his game of Mob Wars.
This wasn't the Facebook I'd fallen in love with, but I stuck it out. We discussed our problems, and Facebook agreed to tone it down. It allowed me to shove all the Mob Wars requests to one side, and all the Harry Potter quizzes to the other. As far as Facebook was concerned, little had changed, and even the little changes were for the better. But my guard was up now.
Just around this time, my dear partner Facebook became the subject of the powerful film "The Social Network." All of the skeletons it had been hiding away in that locked closet I yearned to open came tumbling out. Facebook was no longer sweet and well-meaning, but the creation of an unpredictable force, the Frankenstein's monster to Mark Zuckerberg's Frankenstein.
I was aghast. It was plain to see that Facebook was sneaking around behind my back, bonding intimately with every one of my friends, and doing so almost too obviously. Not only that, but it seemed to lack any sort of feeling toward any of its dozens of partners, motivated only by a cold desire for power and (dare it be said?) world domination. But something about Facebook's essence was too addictive. I couldn't let go-- not yet.
Slowly, though, the truth began to sink in. Facebook created a feature that allowed me to be added to any "group" without my consent. ("Public groups," they were called. If every group that stood out in the open and tried to solicit my membership had its way, I would be a Hare Krishna seven times over by now.) It bombarded me with polls, networks, pages, and targeted advertisements from every direction.
Seeing my frustration with its unsuccessful attempts to win back my love, it turned to its final tactic: Changing its personality to be so addictive that I could not leave it, however much I wanted to. This newest strategy brought about the infamous "Live Feed," which in addition to showing the activity of all of my friends in real time, promised to soon add information on what external sites my friends were browsing, what music they were listening to, and what movies they were watching.
This was the final straw. Facebook had gone stark, raving mad. It was once my picture-perfect darling, but it had become an overgrown behemoth of a villain, driving our relationship with closely monitored addictive behavior rather than the love and happiness that had once held us together. It was just time to go. And so, I quit my relationship with Facebook.
Not forever, of course-- Facebook doesn't allow its exes that satisfaction. It kindly puts our relationship on hold, per se, freezing it right where we last left off so that we can resume our courtship whenever I feel that strange, unpreventable yearning to return back to its arms. But for now, I am gone, and when I do make the inevitable return, I hope it will have cleaned itself up enough to care for me a little bit again. The end.
For more soul-touching stories like this, become a "Follower" of The Optimist. Just take the easy steps outlined to the right. Thanks for reading and remember, The Optimist cannot see your Facebook comments anymore, so if you want to give feedback, the forum is below.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
A College Tour (Part Two)
Today, The Optimist's virtual college tour rolls on with a trip to the Midwest. But first, The Optimist has two very important announcements: 1) The Optimist is now the host of his own domain name!!! In case you didn't notice, the web address for this blog is now "www.quitetheoptimist.com," with no "blogspot" in there anywhere. This is a very big deal. The Movie Optimist also acquired its own domain name, "www.movieoptimist.com," if you are interested. 2) It is The Optimist's birthday today! If any of you loyal followers out there (all of you) want to get him a truly wonderful present, you can get him five new followers and secure your spot on the Wall of Fame. This is also a great time for anyone who is not yet a follower to become one. Thanks! On to the material...
University of Chicago
Great for: Academic stars not looking for the social rigors of other elite institutions. Or, put simply, nerds.
Bad for: People qualified for a top-notch school (nerds) who like to pretend they are not nerds.
Favorite Pastime(s): Cheering on their Division VIII athletics; Openly reading books for pleasure without even pretending to watch TV while doing so.
Northwestern University
Great for: Chicago-area students who are "too cool" for U of Chicago (an opinion often formed right around the time admissions decisions are returned.)
Bad for: People who will be constantly bothered by the fact that Illinois is neither North nor West.
Favorite Pastime(s): Scoffing at U of Chicago "l00s3rs"; Pretending not to be embarrassed to be the only major-conference school never to qualify for March Madness.
University of Michigan
Great for: Students who look at the elite graduate programs and think it must transfer to undergrad.
Bad for: Out-of-state students embarrassed to attend a college within 50 miles of Detroit, aka "Motown," aka "Crapsville."
Favorite Pastime(s): Talking about what a "great place" Ann Arbor is; Secretly wishing to go to college somewhere other than Ann Arbor.
University of Wisconsin
Great for: People from Wisconsin, probably.
Bad for: People who don't like having cheese five times a week.
Favorite Pastime(s): Doing that "Jump Around" thing at the end of the third quarter at football games.
Washington University in St. Louis
Great for: Pre-med students or something.
Bad for: People who are not sure exactly what there is in Saint Louis that is worthwhile.
Favorite Pastime(s): Dissecting cadavers; Looking at that arch and wondering who thought it would be a good idea.
Carleton College
Great for: Those looking for the Williams/Amherst feel in an Arctic climate.
Bad for: People who value all of their frostbite-prone limbs and digits.
Favorite Pastime(s): Trying to figure out how anyone ever got a bunch of pretty good professors out to Minnesota; Trying to figure out how anyone ever got them out to Minnesota.
Ohio State University
Great for: Football players having trouble affording their tattoo payments.
Bad for: Non-douchebags who will have trouble following the school rule to always say they attend "The Ohio State University."
Favorite Pastime(s): Studying for ten days a year; Thinking of funny and derisive things to put on signs to hold up at the OSU-Michigan football game for 355 days a year.
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology
Great for: South Dakotan miners. Others welcome, too.
Bad for: No one. Not even going to dignify this with a response.
Favorite Pastime(s): Happening to have a campus right along The Optimist's Dakota road trip; Rooting for the school's athletic teams, the "Hardrockers."
The Optimist hopes that was an enjoyable post to open the "new" site. Please don't forget to follow or try to join the Wall of Fame! Thanks for reading!
University of Chicago
Great for: Academic stars not looking for the social rigors of other elite institutions. Or, put simply, nerds.
Bad for: People qualified for a top-notch school (nerds) who like to pretend they are not nerds.
Favorite Pastime(s): Cheering on their Division VIII athletics; Openly reading books for pleasure without even pretending to watch TV while doing so.
Northwestern University
Great for: Chicago-area students who are "too cool" for U of Chicago (an opinion often formed right around the time admissions decisions are returned.)
Bad for: People who will be constantly bothered by the fact that Illinois is neither North nor West.
Favorite Pastime(s): Scoffing at U of Chicago "l00s3rs"; Pretending not to be embarrassed to be the only major-conference school never to qualify for March Madness.
University of Michigan
Great for: Students who look at the elite graduate programs and think it must transfer to undergrad.
Bad for: Out-of-state students embarrassed to attend a college within 50 miles of Detroit, aka "Motown," aka "Crapsville."
Favorite Pastime(s): Talking about what a "great place" Ann Arbor is; Secretly wishing to go to college somewhere other than Ann Arbor.
University of Wisconsin
Great for: People from Wisconsin, probably.
Bad for: People who don't like having cheese five times a week.
Favorite Pastime(s): Doing that "Jump Around" thing at the end of the third quarter at football games.
Washington University in St. Louis
Great for: Pre-med students or something.
Bad for: People who are not sure exactly what there is in Saint Louis that is worthwhile.
Favorite Pastime(s): Dissecting cadavers; Looking at that arch and wondering who thought it would be a good idea.
Carleton College
Great for: Those looking for the Williams/Amherst feel in an Arctic climate.
Bad for: People who value all of their frostbite-prone limbs and digits.
Favorite Pastime(s): Trying to figure out how anyone ever got a bunch of pretty good professors out to Minnesota; Trying to figure out how anyone ever got them out to Minnesota.
Ohio State University
Great for: Football players having trouble affording their tattoo payments.
Bad for: Non-douchebags who will have trouble following the school rule to always say they attend "The Ohio State University."
Favorite Pastime(s): Studying for ten days a year; Thinking of funny and derisive things to put on signs to hold up at the OSU-Michigan football game for 355 days a year.
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology
Great for: South Dakotan miners. Others welcome, too.
Bad for: No one. Not even going to dignify this with a response.
Favorite Pastime(s): Happening to have a campus right along The Optimist's Dakota road trip; Rooting for the school's athletic teams, the "Hardrockers."
The Optimist hopes that was an enjoyable post to open the "new" site. Please don't forget to follow or try to join the Wall of Fame! Thanks for reading!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
You Want Outspoken?
It has come to The Optimist's attention that he is a frontrunner for "Most Outspoken" in what apparently are passing as the "Pop Polls," but are really just a shameless attempt to stick good, hardworking, honest people with crappy titles like "Most Outspoken." After several attempts to avoid acquiring this ignominious mantle, The Optimist is resigned to victory. So, you want Most Outspoken? Here's Most Outspoken. FIVE THINGS THAT ARE MAKING ME MAD:
1. That stupid old Heineken ad with the stylish young people riding in a cab and listening to "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie. Alright, first of all, out of all of the songs in the world, why would these drunk twenty-something-year-olds be listening to "Just a Friend"? It is a good song in that classic crappy kind of a song way, but come on. Stupid. But, more importantly, no cab driver has ever behaved like that cab driver. Ever. Big city cab drivers are unhappy, usually hairy men who would like nothing more than to close that little glass thingy between the passenger and driver seats and listen to Imogen Heap or something. Plus, beer ads that campaign for safe drinking are as moronic as cigarette ads that tell you to quit smoking. Why would you advertise your beer by telling people how closely they should monitor their behavior once they've consumed many units of your product? That's bad marketing.
2. Everything about the new Noel Gallagher song except the music. Why is Noel Gallagher a solo act now? Oasis couldn't get their act together and stay united? Really? Aren't they two brothers and a bunch of bums they grabbed off the street? Obviously the brothers should stick with each other, and the bums need to stay put, too, or it is back to holding signs on street corners with apocalyptic messages for them. Also, the song is titled "If I Had a Gun," which is stupid because it is minimally, if at all, about him having a gun, and that is the kind of song title that seems like it is going to give you a lot of information about the song. For instance, you can tell absolutely nothing from the title of the glorious Sublime single "April 29, 1992," because some random date doesn't really mean anything that a song could be built around. However, when the Black Eyed Peas call a song "I've Got a Feeling," you know that they are going to spend four minutes of your life telling you what they have a feeling about. Point is, "If I Had a Gun" implies that the song would be about what Noel Gallagher would do should he acquire a firearm or the resources necessary to construct or purchase one, but it's hardly about that at all.
3. Republican primary candidates (looking at you, Rick Perry) discussing evolution as if it were up for debate. As Perry puts it, "it's one theory that's out there." Oh, is that so? You know what another theory is that's out there? That Rick Perry lacks the intelligence, rational decision-making ability, and compassion for other human beings necessary to be president, or governor, or mayor, or to vote. But, just like the "theory" of evolution, that "theory" is so widely accepted that it ceases to be a theory, talking point, or anything short of "accepted knowledge." By the way, if you are ever looking for an absolutely hilarious take on Creationism that has absolutely not political angle to it and could quite easily have been written by a Creationist (although somehow that seems doubtful), check out "God's Blog," from a recent New Yorker. Great stuff. Anyway, shut up Rick Perry. Go back to wrangling yourself some tax cuts, or whatever it is you are doing these days to make Texas more of a mess than Bush left it, if that's possible. And shut up. Seriously. (More content coming soon on the Republican primaries. Can't someone give Huntsman a real shot? Someone? Anyone?)
4. Facebook. Still. Everything they do sucks. (The Optimist covered Facebook recently here, and a while ago here.) What is with the constant need to just change their layout for no particular reason? There is certainly no actual utility in having the little bar that says "Facebook" stay at the top of the page even as you scroll down. Or how about having little boxes with your latest notifications pop up randomly floating somewhere in the bottom left corner of the screen that refuse to close, even after being x-ed out of fourteen thousand times? Why? Are the Mark Zuckerberg minions that bored? Couldn't they be doing something useful, like preparing to have some serious class-action legislation stuffed down their throats? And they insist on just piling on the privacy intrusions, even when it seemed like they couldn't take that any further. What is up with the new sidebar that lists "Friends that Live Within 10 Minutes of You"? Does anyone else feel like they're going to open up their window and see one of those supporting characters from "The Social Network" just peering in and typing on a laptop? Stop it, Facebook. You won. The younger generations are all dependent on you. Don't abuse your power.
5. Pop polls. "Most Outspoken" is just awful. Go away.
Phew. That felt good. Remember that space on the Wall of Fame is going fast, but still available! Just sign up five followers. And yourself, if you aren't one yet. Thanks.
1. That stupid old Heineken ad with the stylish young people riding in a cab and listening to "Just a Friend" by Biz Markie. Alright, first of all, out of all of the songs in the world, why would these drunk twenty-something-year-olds be listening to "Just a Friend"? It is a good song in that classic crappy kind of a song way, but come on. Stupid. But, more importantly, no cab driver has ever behaved like that cab driver. Ever. Big city cab drivers are unhappy, usually hairy men who would like nothing more than to close that little glass thingy between the passenger and driver seats and listen to Imogen Heap or something. Plus, beer ads that campaign for safe drinking are as moronic as cigarette ads that tell you to quit smoking. Why would you advertise your beer by telling people how closely they should monitor their behavior once they've consumed many units of your product? That's bad marketing.
2. Everything about the new Noel Gallagher song except the music. Why is Noel Gallagher a solo act now? Oasis couldn't get their act together and stay united? Really? Aren't they two brothers and a bunch of bums they grabbed off the street? Obviously the brothers should stick with each other, and the bums need to stay put, too, or it is back to holding signs on street corners with apocalyptic messages for them. Also, the song is titled "If I Had a Gun," which is stupid because it is minimally, if at all, about him having a gun, and that is the kind of song title that seems like it is going to give you a lot of information about the song. For instance, you can tell absolutely nothing from the title of the glorious Sublime single "April 29, 1992," because some random date doesn't really mean anything that a song could be built around. However, when the Black Eyed Peas call a song "I've Got a Feeling," you know that they are going to spend four minutes of your life telling you what they have a feeling about. Point is, "If I Had a Gun" implies that the song would be about what Noel Gallagher would do should he acquire a firearm or the resources necessary to construct or purchase one, but it's hardly about that at all.
3. Republican primary candidates (looking at you, Rick Perry) discussing evolution as if it were up for debate. As Perry puts it, "it's one theory that's out there." Oh, is that so? You know what another theory is that's out there? That Rick Perry lacks the intelligence, rational decision-making ability, and compassion for other human beings necessary to be president, or governor, or mayor, or to vote. But, just like the "theory" of evolution, that "theory" is so widely accepted that it ceases to be a theory, talking point, or anything short of "accepted knowledge." By the way, if you are ever looking for an absolutely hilarious take on Creationism that has absolutely not political angle to it and could quite easily have been written by a Creationist (although somehow that seems doubtful), check out "God's Blog," from a recent New Yorker. Great stuff. Anyway, shut up Rick Perry. Go back to wrangling yourself some tax cuts, or whatever it is you are doing these days to make Texas more of a mess than Bush left it, if that's possible. And shut up. Seriously. (More content coming soon on the Republican primaries. Can't someone give Huntsman a real shot? Someone? Anyone?)
4. Facebook. Still. Everything they do sucks. (The Optimist covered Facebook recently here, and a while ago here.) What is with the constant need to just change their layout for no particular reason? There is certainly no actual utility in having the little bar that says "Facebook" stay at the top of the page even as you scroll down. Or how about having little boxes with your latest notifications pop up randomly floating somewhere in the bottom left corner of the screen that refuse to close, even after being x-ed out of fourteen thousand times? Why? Are the Mark Zuckerberg minions that bored? Couldn't they be doing something useful, like preparing to have some serious class-action legislation stuffed down their throats? And they insist on just piling on the privacy intrusions, even when it seemed like they couldn't take that any further. What is up with the new sidebar that lists "Friends that Live Within 10 Minutes of You"? Does anyone else feel like they're going to open up their window and see one of those supporting characters from "The Social Network" just peering in and typing on a laptop? Stop it, Facebook. You won. The younger generations are all dependent on you. Don't abuse your power.
5. Pop polls. "Most Outspoken" is just awful. Go away.
Phew. That felt good. Remember that space on the Wall of Fame is going fast, but still available! Just sign up five followers. And yourself, if you aren't one yet. Thanks.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Early Oscar Buzz
With the summer movie season over (a recap from The Optimist is forthcoming), it's time to look ahead to the fall/winter releases, many of which are aspiring Oscar contenders. Which movies is The Optimist looking forward to most? Here are his top 12, in increasing order of anticipation.
12. The Descendants
To be honest, the trailer for "The Descendants" looks only slightly better than the trailer for "Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star," known best for its groundbreaking 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. However, there is a lot of early Oscar buzz around "The Descendants," so it has to be worth keeping an eye on. George Clooney as what seems to be a total schmoe is a questionable casting decision, but you never know.
11. Moneyball
Something about Steven Soderbergh brings together fantastic casts, and "Moneyball" is no exception. The question remains, though, of whether it is aiming more for box office success or awards success. Even if it is a great Oscar-oriented movie, though, The Optimist protests its existence. As an A's fan, he can testify firsthand that the only thing the A's have won recently is an unprecedented four straight "Crappiest Stadium in Baseball" awards. (There will be a full post devoted to the ridiculousness of this movie coming out next week.)
10. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
David Fincher ("The Social Network," "Fight Club," "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button") remakes the adaptation of something like a seven-year-old book. (They are running out of ideas quickly in Hollywood these days.) Whether it will be awards-season material remains to be seen, but the cinematography already looks excellent, and there is a lot of hype around Rooney Mara (the original girlfriend in the "Social Network.") Should be a good movie whether or not it's an Academy-pleaser.
9. Like Crazy
"Like Crazy" could (could) be the "Blue Valentine" of this year; that is, a terrific romantic drama that should get more nominations that it actually does. Or it could suck. Because most movies like it do. But, this is yet another movie that was received well at film festivals and will probably get at least an acting nomination, if not more, and hopefully be a somewhat enjoyable film to see.
8. The Ides of March
Concerned that "The Descendants" only had about a 75% chance of grabbing him a nomination, George Clooney wrote himself a movie to direct and star in, just so he could complete a personal sweep of the 2012 Oscars. The knock on "The Ides of March," it would seem, is that it is an absolutely blatant Oscar bid and has probably been a bit too perfectly tailored to fit inside the lines. Brilliant cast, but The Optimist has a hunch that the script will not be edgy enough.
7. Martha Marcy May Marlene
To be honest, "Martha Marcy May Marlene" looks mind-numbingly boring. However, it deserves the benefit of the doubt for two reasons: 1) Almost everything Fox Searchlight Pictures puts out is awesome, and 2) John Hawkes is kind of a badass. Fortunately, those two reasons can be countered with: 1) Fox Searchlight Pictures released "Tree of Life," and 2) John Hawkes's breakout role was in "Winter's Bone."
6. 50/50
Just go ahead and put "50/50" down right now for "mandatory mainstream Best Picture nominee that has very little chance of winning," a category most recently filled by "Inception." "50/50" looks to be a more serious contender, perhaps, but you have to be suspicious of any movie that wants to be taken seriously and co-stars Seth Rogen. The fortunes of "50/50" very well may rest upon his ability to execute a semi-dramatic role well.
5. The Artist
"The Artist" appears to be a emotionally wrenching, brilliantly executed, and gloriously pretentious silent film that could be a major player in February. The big question here, though, is whether the Academy will allow both "The Artist" and "Tree of Life" to get nominated, because doing so would risk alienating people who enjoy an occasional line or two of dialogue. If so, both would seem to be shoo-ins for Best Picture nominations.
4. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Much like "Ides of March," "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" has a staggeringly deep cast with Academy-beloved talent from top to bottom. In The Optimist's humble opinion, though, "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" is much more likely to push the envelope, something that would be great a year after the victory of "The King's Speech," the tamest Best Picture in years. But can British films go back-to-back? Uncertain.
3. Drive
There's a lot to be intrigued about in "Drive," from Ryan Gosling to the main character being called only "The Driver" to a reception of rave review to Ryan Gosling. But there is also cause for concern-- director Nicholas Winding Refn is well known for making graphically violent films, and "Drive" is rumored to be no different. Plus, Gosling calls it his "superhero movie" because it stretches the limits of reality, which may be good for entertainment value but bad for Oscar stock.
2. We Need to Talk About Kevin
The trailer is certainly nothing to get excited about, but the premise (tracking the family of a school shooter) is compelling, and hopefully will be executed more carefully than "Beautiful Boy," which opened to only lukewarm reviews earlier this year. Tilda Swinton is a creative and fitting casting choice for the role of the frustrated and emotionally crippled mother, and John C. Reilly is an even more creative and potentially brilliant casting choice as the father. This could very well be the next Best Picture.
1. Take Shelter
Anyone who can watch the preview for "Take Shelter" without being at the very least somewhat intrigued is most likely dead. Check your pulse. Yet another movie to stir conversation at the premier film festivals, "Take Shelter" is a total awards season wild card, but if it opens to critical acclaim then it could easily become a favorite. The Optimist finds it to be, hands down, the most potentially captivating awards season release.
So there you have it. Keep an eye on "Take Shelter" and "We Need to Talk About Kevin." And go see "Drive" on Friday! Should be good. Thanks for reading!
12. The Descendants
To be honest, the trailer for "The Descendants" looks only slightly better than the trailer for "Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star," known best for its groundbreaking 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. However, there is a lot of early Oscar buzz around "The Descendants," so it has to be worth keeping an eye on. George Clooney as what seems to be a total schmoe is a questionable casting decision, but you never know.
11. Moneyball
10. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
David Fincher ("The Social Network," "Fight Club," "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button") remakes the adaptation of something like a seven-year-old book. (They are running out of ideas quickly in Hollywood these days.) Whether it will be awards-season material remains to be seen, but the cinematography already looks excellent, and there is a lot of hype around Rooney Mara (the original girlfriend in the "Social Network.") Should be a good movie whether or not it's an Academy-pleaser.
9. Like Crazy
"Like Crazy" could (could) be the "Blue Valentine" of this year; that is, a terrific romantic drama that should get more nominations that it actually does. Or it could suck. Because most movies like it do. But, this is yet another movie that was received well at film festivals and will probably get at least an acting nomination, if not more, and hopefully be a somewhat enjoyable film to see.
8. The Ides of March
Concerned that "The Descendants" only had about a 75% chance of grabbing him a nomination, George Clooney wrote himself a movie to direct and star in, just so he could complete a personal sweep of the 2012 Oscars. The knock on "The Ides of March," it would seem, is that it is an absolutely blatant Oscar bid and has probably been a bit too perfectly tailored to fit inside the lines. Brilliant cast, but The Optimist has a hunch that the script will not be edgy enough.
7. Martha Marcy May Marlene
To be honest, "Martha Marcy May Marlene" looks mind-numbingly boring. However, it deserves the benefit of the doubt for two reasons: 1) Almost everything Fox Searchlight Pictures puts out is awesome, and 2) John Hawkes is kind of a badass. Fortunately, those two reasons can be countered with: 1) Fox Searchlight Pictures released "Tree of Life," and 2) John Hawkes's breakout role was in "Winter's Bone."
6. 50/50
Just go ahead and put "50/50" down right now for "mandatory mainstream Best Picture nominee that has very little chance of winning," a category most recently filled by "Inception." "50/50" looks to be a more serious contender, perhaps, but you have to be suspicious of any movie that wants to be taken seriously and co-stars Seth Rogen. The fortunes of "50/50" very well may rest upon his ability to execute a semi-dramatic role well.
5. The Artist
"The Artist" appears to be a emotionally wrenching, brilliantly executed, and gloriously pretentious silent film that could be a major player in February. The big question here, though, is whether the Academy will allow both "The Artist" and "Tree of Life" to get nominated, because doing so would risk alienating people who enjoy an occasional line or two of dialogue. If so, both would seem to be shoo-ins for Best Picture nominations.
4. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Much like "Ides of March," "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" has a staggeringly deep cast with Academy-beloved talent from top to bottom. In The Optimist's humble opinion, though, "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" is much more likely to push the envelope, something that would be great a year after the victory of "The King's Speech," the tamest Best Picture in years. But can British films go back-to-back? Uncertain.
3. Drive
There's a lot to be intrigued about in "Drive," from Ryan Gosling to the main character being called only "The Driver" to a reception of rave review to Ryan Gosling. But there is also cause for concern-- director Nicholas Winding Refn is well known for making graphically violent films, and "Drive" is rumored to be no different. Plus, Gosling calls it his "superhero movie" because it stretches the limits of reality, which may be good for entertainment value but bad for Oscar stock.
2. We Need to Talk About Kevin
The trailer is certainly nothing to get excited about, but the premise (tracking the family of a school shooter) is compelling, and hopefully will be executed more carefully than "Beautiful Boy," which opened to only lukewarm reviews earlier this year. Tilda Swinton is a creative and fitting casting choice for the role of the frustrated and emotionally crippled mother, and John C. Reilly is an even more creative and potentially brilliant casting choice as the father. This could very well be the next Best Picture.
1. Take Shelter
So there you have it. Keep an eye on "Take Shelter" and "We Need to Talk About Kevin." And go see "Drive" on Friday! Should be good. Thanks for reading!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Why Facebook Pages Suck
(Yesterday, The Optimist made a Facebook "page" called "All The Things That Are Wrong With Pages" before realizing he was neither popular nor good enough at pandering to Facebook's page-liking community to actually generate any "like"s for his page. So he just reprinted an unfiltered version of his page description here, because it was hysterically funny. Ask anyone.)
Alright, to start off, I am upset about Facebook "pages" specifically because some affirmation-seeking scumbag slandered the good name of everyone's favorite Microsoft Office Assistant, the Paper Clip just to get "like"d on Facebook. Couple that with the fact that 95% of the page invitations anyone receives on Facebook are for "Recieve Nu iPad 4 low price n0w with helful survey click h3r3!!!!" and you have a serious problem. By the way, all of those "free iPad" pages get, like, four million likes. I don't know what the deal is there.
But let's discuss some other page-related issues here. First of all, the Facebook dictatorship, which helpfully collects all of your information in exchange for a social networking service four MIT students could replicate in six days were Facebook not to have a monopoly on the business, bars you from using "Facebook" in your page's name. This presumably stems from people making pages like "Facebook is Great!" and "I love how Facebook sells pictures of me wearing a Pepsi t-shirt to PepsiCo for one low price!" which made a notoriously modest Mark Zuckerberg blush and not let anyone make a page with "Facebook" in the name anymore.
Also, there is the problem that if you like certain pages, they will automatically sync to the "likes and interests" section of your profile. This creates serious trouble when the bonehead who starts a page called, say, "Don't you hate it when your shoelaces are always coming untied," lists it as a "Book," causing everyone who likes it to have that page listed as one of their favorite books and creating the false perception that they may actually be literate.
Furthermore, let's say you create a worthwhile page. Unlikely, to be sure. In fact, for lack of a better example, let's say it's The Optimist's semi-existent page. After breaking a "like" threshold (probably somewhere around 50,000), rather than having an intelligent, informed discussion about the many evils of Facebook pages on the Wall, the posts will become limited to pedophiles planting lures for unsuspecting underaged Facebook users and mid-20's hipsters posting links to their mind-numbingly bad Tumblrs.
Finally, what's up with Facebook letting there be like 400 pages for the same thing? It just makes it hard to choose which page you want to become a fan of. For instance, let's say you like budding superstar actress Hailee Steinfeld and want to show your passionate support. If you type that into the search box, there are like 20 Hailee Steinfeld pages (not to mention a bunch of fake profiles operated by the same pedophiles mentioned in the previous paragraph) to choose from. How can you decide which one? All the pictures look great! But there are a million because every person who liked Hailee Steinfeld, instead of just liking a different page, made their own, in the hopes that their profile picture selection would shoot them to the top of the Hailee Steinfeld page ranks and garner them billions of "likes," ensuring their undying popularity.
Alright, to start off, I am upset about Facebook "pages" specifically because some affirmation-seeking scumbag slandered the good name of everyone's favorite Microsoft Office Assistant, the Paper Clip just to get "like"d on Facebook. Couple that with the fact that 95% of the page invitations anyone receives on Facebook are for "Recieve Nu iPad 4 low price n0w with helful survey click h3r3!!!!" and you have a serious problem. By the way, all of those "free iPad" pages get, like, four million likes. I don't know what the deal is there.
But let's discuss some other page-related issues here. First of all, the Facebook dictatorship, which helpfully collects all of your information in exchange for a social networking service four MIT students could replicate in six days were Facebook not to have a monopoly on the business, bars you from using "Facebook" in your page's name. This presumably stems from people making pages like "Facebook is Great!" and "I love how Facebook sells pictures of me wearing a Pepsi t-shirt to PepsiCo for one low price!" which made a notoriously modest Mark Zuckerberg blush and not let anyone make a page with "Facebook" in the name anymore.
Also, there is the problem that if you like certain pages, they will automatically sync to the "likes and interests" section of your profile. This creates serious trouble when the bonehead who starts a page called, say, "Don't you hate it when your shoelaces are always coming untied," lists it as a "Book," causing everyone who likes it to have that page listed as one of their favorite books and creating the false perception that they may actually be literate.
Furthermore, let's say you create a worthwhile page. Unlikely, to be sure. In fact, for lack of a better example, let's say it's The Optimist's semi-existent page. After breaking a "like" threshold (probably somewhere around 50,000), rather than having an intelligent, informed discussion about the many evils of Facebook pages on the Wall, the posts will become limited to pedophiles planting lures for unsuspecting underaged Facebook users and mid-20's hipsters posting links to their mind-numbingly bad Tumblrs.
Finally, what's up with Facebook letting there be like 400 pages for the same thing? It just makes it hard to choose which page you want to become a fan of. For instance, let's say you like budding superstar actress Hailee Steinfeld and want to show your passionate support. If you type that into the search box, there are like 20 Hailee Steinfeld pages (not to mention a bunch of fake profiles operated by the same pedophiles mentioned in the previous paragraph) to choose from. How can you decide which one? All the pictures look great! But there are a million because every person who liked Hailee Steinfeld, instead of just liking a different page, made their own, in the hopes that their profile picture selection would shoot them to the top of the Hailee Steinfeld page ranks and garner them billions of "likes," ensuring their undying popularity.
And that's why pages suck. The end. Sue me, Mark Zuckerberg.
In other news, The Optimist's birthday is Saturday (!), and he would like nothing better for a present than some new followers and Wall of Famers! So get on it! Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
NFL Preview Extravaganza Extreme-o!
It's that time of year again... football time. It didn't look like we'd make it this far, what with both players and owners saying something along the lines of "We probably won't have a season this year" only a month or two ago, but it clearly was just a marketing stunt so they could flood ESPN with "Football is back" ads. Anyway, The Optimist previewed college football only days ago, and this will be similar: players to watch; key games; storylines to track; division power rankings; and team by team season synopses. Let's do it.
Five Offensive Players to Watch
1. Brad Smith, QB/RB/WR, Buffalo
Smith, who played for the Jets for several seasons before making the move to Buffalo, will have every chance to display his full talents with his new team. Seriously, what else are the Bills going to do? Pass with Ryan Fitzpatrick? Run with Fred Jackson? Or do cool, one-in-every-twenty-goes-for-a-touchdown wildcat plays with C.J. Spiller and Smith? Probably one of the first two, actually. But if it's the latter, Smith could be one of this year's breakout highlight reel stars, a la Josh Cribbs. And no one would argue with another Josh Cribbs, now would they?
2. Jacoby Ford, WR, Oakland
It is no secret that Raiders owner Al Davis, or "The Miracle Worker from the North Bay," as he is referred to by absolutely nobody, likes to draft speed. What is less commonly known, though, is that once every seventy draft picks, he actually turns up a decent player. (Like JaMarcus Russell. Right? Right guys? Anyone? He could still turn it around!) One such player is Ford, who was a blazer at Clemson and remains one in the NFL. He may lack the precise route-running ability, good hands, and quarterback who can throw a football required to become an elite receiver, but he should emerge as one of the league's premier deep threats this year. And for a Raiders team that could actually (gasp) contend for the first time in almost a decade, that's a pretty exciting prospect.
3. Cam Newton, QB, Carolina
Let's be clear here. You're not watching Newton to see him craftily scramble around the pocket, avoiding several would-be tacklers, then rifling a laser to Greg Olsen or Steve Smith. You're watching him to see him fail. Hard. The Panthers thought they'd won the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, only to end up with some guy who couldn't get on the field for the first three years of college and then made more money than 95% of America to get on the field in the fourth. Newton's thing, besides lying about his flagrant violation of NCAA policies, is to operate an offense that works only in college, coupled occasionally with some horrifyingly mediocre passes. You suck, Cam. Crash and burn. Or, play really well and make the Panthers the most ridiculous underdog story ever. Either one.
This is the most intriguing subplot of the 2011 season that has flown totally under the radar. Apparently, the Dolphins are going to make Bush their every-down back for the first time in his career. (The Optimist hopes his fantasy football trade partner is enjoying Bush's backfield mate Daniel Thomas's company after that announcement.) While the Saints' "line up Reggie Bush at every conceivable position, including left tackle, punter, and referee" [not really] strategy was fun enough, it might not be too bad to see if Bush actually has what it takes to be a decent running back. He is so ridiculed now that it's often forgotten how absolutely, ridiculously, absurdly good he was in college. No one in the last five years has matched the excitement he brought to NCAA football, or even come close. Will it be that Reggie Bush that shows up to the Dolphins' opener? Almost certainly not. But you have to have a little hope, right?
5. Kevin Kolb, QB, Arizona
Larry Fitzgerald, who is now making more money than the president of the United States, his cabinet, and their undersecretaries combined, is being counted on to almost singlehandedly drive the Cardinals to the playoffs. So, after pinning all of their hopes to a wide receiver, Arizona solved their problem of not having anyone to pass him the ball by signing... Kevin Kolb. That's Kevin "seven career starts" Kolb, in case you were unsure. It's finally time for the new Matt Schaub-esque "best quarterback who's never been given a fair chance" to prove his worth. If the two quarterbacks taken before him in the 2007 draft, JaMarcus Russell and Brady Quinn, are any indication, then... Well, on second thought, let's hope they aren't really any indication. But losing your job to the man who was at the time the most hated dogfighting convict in America does not inspire full trust.
Five Defensive Players to Watch
1. Bart Scott, LB, New York
Who doesn't love Bart Scott? (Answer to the rhetorical question: everyone who doesn't watch football, plus most people who do.) He is 240 pounds of tenacious, trash-talking muscle, and is one of the best entertainers in the game. Point in case, he gave the most underappreciated postgame press conference ever after a 2009 loss to the Dolphins, who scored 30 points despite gaining only 105 yards, saying, "They're a great team. They'll probably contend for the Super Bowl. They have a hellacious offense, great running backs, great quarterback, great tight ends. They're stacked across the board. I'm serious. They are great. Like I said, they have a great team. They have a tremendous offense and they showed it today. They are Super Bowl contenders and they will probably take it all the way." But after picking up only 81 tackles and a measly single sack last year, both his lowest stats since 2005, Scott better step it up this season or he'll have to stop talking.
2. Mario Williams, LB, Houston
Williams, the notorious first overall pick in the 2006 Reggie Bush draft, has panned out to be the right selection, becoming a consistent force up front for Houston. But a down year last year, the addition of first round defensive end JJ Watt, and new defensive coordinator Wade Phillips's new scheme have led to a move to linebacker for the career-long defensive end, a move that could be a massive success or a tremendous failure. Much of it will depend on how the rest of the retooled Texans defense, worst in the league in 2010, stacks up, and the rest will depend on how comfortable Williams himself is at linebacker. But with Houston's offense clearly ready to contend, the team's chances at making a run will rest largely on the defense, and that unit's chances will rest largely on Williams. How fast he transitions to his new position could make or break the Texans' season.
3. Albert Haynesworth, DT, New England
Haynesworth, the helmet-stomper of Tennessee and twelve-bazillion dollar flameout of Washington, is bringing his talents to Foxboro. Bill Belichick, ever confident he can fix up a hopeless case, has taken on Haynesworth in addition to Ochocinco. If Haynesworth can behave and focus on training, he could very well be the complement to Vince Wilfork that the Patriots are looking for, the final piece of the puzzle in what may turn out to be a near-perfect team. If he can't, he'll be not only a bust but a huge distraction for a team with a no-nonsense, football-only brand. Haynesworth may have been a better fit personality-wise for the Jets or Steelers, but the Patriots need his size (if he can take a few pounds off the top) and ability, making for a very interesting gamble by the New England front office. Keep an eye on this one.
4. Asante Samuel, CB, Philadelphia
Remember Samuel? After anchoring the Patriots defense for four years in the mid-2000s, he made a big splash by signing with the Eagles in free agency in 2008, one of the year's biggest signings. He appeared poised to be Philadelphia's shutdown corner for years to come, making the Pro Bowl for four years running... and then, out of nowhere, the Eagles signed Nnamdi Asomugha (and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie), and just like that, Samuel wasn't even necessarily the second best corner on his own team. But it seems that Philly is still counting on Samuel to be a presence in the secondary after trade rumors failed to materialize into anything serious, and his morale could be a key to a young defense with more holes than Eagles fans may think. If he's buying into the Dream Team pitch, this will be one scary team.
5. Elvis Dumervil, DE, Broncos
Dumervil, who had already been very good in his first three seasons, emerged in 2009 as one of the league's premier pass rushers, piling up a whopping 17 sacks to lead all defenders. But a pectoral injury shelved him before 2010 even got under way, and the Broncos stumbled to a 4-12 record. Part of that may have been owed to being forced to give numerous starts to Tim "Generously Kept on the Team for Moral Support After Getting Outplayed by Brady Quinn" Tebow, but a large share was likely due to a Dumervil-less unit finishing last in the league in total defense. Don't expect that to happen again if Dumervil is at full strength. There are still solid pieces in the Bronco secondary (Champ Bailey, Brian Dawkins, and rookie Rahim Moore), and Dumervil bringing the heat again up front could plug up at least most of the holes in a Denver D that allowed 38 first-half points to the Raiders last year.
Five Games to Watch
1. New York Jets at Patriots, Oct. 9: A rematch of the NFL's fiercest rivalry for the first time since the Jets' absolutely shocking first-round upset last year? Yes, please. Expect plenty of fireworks... and nude feet. Sorry. Had to get a Rex Ryan joke in there somewhere.
2. Eagles at Falcons, Sept. 18: Are the Eagles way over-hyped or really the Super Bowl favorites? A week two visit to last year's NFC finalists should be a good indicator... although, remember, even if a team has all the best players, they can still choke in the championship. Just ask a certain former Cavalier.
3. Texans at Bucs, Nov. 13: Two sexy young thangs will duke it out in this inter-conference, midseason battle that probably will reveal very little but should be a great game to watch... if the NFL broadcasters ever cared to show non-NFC East/AFC North games. But that's probably dreaming, right?
4. Bills at Chargers, Dec. 11: Why would the Bills make it in here? Because they could be the Dolphins of two years ago, making the playoffs out of absolutely nowhere. And what better time to see Buffalo prove themselves than in a late-season "Shawne Merriman returns home" game?
5. Steelers at Ravens, Sept. 11: The best showdown of week one, this game could very well set the tone for how the AFC North picture will play out this year. A victory for Ravens coach John Harbaugh could be a big consolation for his brother Jim, whose 49ers will surely be blown out by whoever they're playing.
Team by Team Rankings:
1. New England Patriots: Simply the best. Belichick+Brady+Ochocinco+Haynesworth may be one of the most detestable combinations around, but they will win all year, and win big all year.
2. Green Bay Packers: The defending Super Bowl champs bring back essentially the same team. Why would anyone doubt that they will again be serious contenders?
3. Philadelphia Eagles: Possibly riding too much hype, but Vick is near unstoppable when he's on, the secondary is great, and Andy Reid... well, the secondary is great. Did we mention that yet?
4. Baltimore Ravens: This team always falls just a little bit short every year. Domonique Foxworth is back at cornerback, though, and with the rest of the defense aging, this may be a do or die season in Baltimore.
5. Houston Texans: Always a hot underdog pick that never quite pans out, the Texans have had the offense for a while, and may finally have the defense to actually make some noise in the playoffs.
6. New York Jets: They will yap all year despite probably getting walloped twice by New England, but should be able to back it up with at least a run to the divisional round, if not the AFC championship again.
7. Atlanta Falcons: Sports Illustrated seer Peter King's Super Bowl pick, the Falcons are not sexy, but are solid across the board and could quietly be a top contender come late January.
8. New Orleans Saints: This defense is probably a bit more suspect than might be expected, but a Drew Brees-led offense is always a threat to do some damage.
9. San Diego Chargers: The Bolts (notice the usage of an obscure nickname) are a popular AFC champion pick, but it's unclear how people see them getting past the beasts of the AFC East.
10. Detroit Lions: This may (may) be the year the Lions actually follow through on their alleged promise. But another Matt Stafford injury would be devastating, unless anyone in Detroit trusts Shaun Hill.
11. New York Giants: It's never a great idea to pick an Eli Manning-led team to go too far, but the rest of the squad is uniformly above average, and you never know what this team might do.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Josh Freeman may quickly have gone from being under-the-radar to over-the-rated, but he is a promising young quarterback surrounded by promising young weapons.
13. Dallas Cowboys: Everyone would love to see another season of utter Cowboys misery, but a last-week elimination from playoff contention might be even better. Suck it, Jerry Jones.
14. Buffalo Bills: Buffalo has an outside shot at cracking the 12-team field. Outside shot. But still, the defense looks shockingly good on paper, and there are some weapons there for Ryan Fitzpatrick to use.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers will fade fast as the offense is revealed to be average and the defense just gets even older and even more frustrated. Oh, and the quarterback is a rapist. Never forget.
16. St. Louis Rams: The best team in the NFC West, the Rams will be no better than mediocre. But they do have enough talent in them to pull off a first-round upset like last year's Seahawks.
17. Indianapolis Colts: Been wondering where the Colts are? Peyton Manning will miss at least the first week, and the rest of the team, simply put, is no good. How much longer can one player carry the other 50?
18. Chicago Bears: A bad offensive line will allow Jay Cutler to once again be flooded by both defenders and criticism. A thin defense will often be in damage control mode following frequent turnovers.
19. Kansas City Chiefs: Any team that has Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles and still tries to give Jones half the carries is a team that isn't going to the playoffs back-to-back years. That simple.
20. Cleveland Browns: Mike Holmgren is on his way to turning it around in Cleveland, but give him at least another year. For now, keep an eye on Colt McCoy's development.
21. Seattle Seahawks: Only in the NFC West would the Seahawks be a serious contender. If Tarvaris Jackson proves to be a consistent option at QB, Seattle could easily grab another playoff spot.
22. Minnesota Vikings: Donovan McNabb is, like, 90 years old. And the defense has shed many of its playmakers. This won't be last year's disaster, but it won't be too pretty, either.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags really were looking alright, until inexplicably cutting their starting quarterback days before the season. Why does Jack del Rio want to lose his job?
24. Oakland Raiders: Oh, please. Who can take the Raiders seriously anymore? By week seven, they'll be starting Usain Bolt, some washout soccer player, and a seventh-round pick with a great bench press.
25. Tennessee Titans: There's potential for a surprise in Tennessee if Matt Hasselbeck has a little left in the tank and Chris Johnson adapts quickly from his holdout. But, more likely, a last place finish is in store.
26. Miami Dolphins: Chad Henne is not an NFL starting quarterback. An AARP-eligible Jason Taylor is not an NFL starting defensive lineman. The Dolphins plan to use both.
27. Arizona Cardinals: Way too many question marks on the offensive line, in the secondary, and in the backfield for the Cardinals to be competitive... probably even in their ridiculously soft division.
28. Denver Broncos: Hopefully this season will go downhill really fast, so that Tim Tebow can get some playing time and take the season downhill even faster.
29. Washington Redskins: A certain writer of an excellent blog once founded a Facebook group called "Bring Back Rex". It was a joke. Because Rex Grossman is bad. Rex Grossman is the Redskins starting QB.
30. San Francisco 49ers: Jim Harbaugh should have stayed at Stanford, where he belonged. Stanford will be fine without him. Harbaugh will not be fine without Stanford, not with this group of 49ers.
31. Carolina Panthers: There's not much here to indicate that Carolina will make a substantial improvement on their last-place finish from last year. But hey, maybe they'll win the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes (again)!
32. Cincinnati Bengals: This team is so bad it forced a quarterback still somewhat in his prime into retirement rather than come back and play another season. That's pretty damn bad.
Predictions:
AFC Wild Card Rd.:
Jets (WC) over Chargers (West)
Texans (South) over Bills (WC)
NFC Wild Card Rd.:
Falcons (South) over Giants (WC)
Lions (WC) over Seahawks (West)
AFC Divisional Rd.:
Ravens (North) over Jets
Texans over Patriots (East)
NFC Divisional Rd.:
Eagles (East) over Lions
Packers (North) over Falcons
AFC Championship Game:
Texans over Ravens
NFC Championship Game:
Eagles over Packers
Super Bowl XLVI
Texans 31, Eagles 27
Yeah, that's right, The Optimist is taking the Texans this year. Watch it happen. Disagree? Leave a comment below. Also, be sure to become a follower (see right) if you aren't yet, and a wall of famer (see here) if you are. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the 2011 NFL Season!
Five Offensive Players to Watch
1. Brad Smith, QB/RB/WR, Buffalo
 |
| Brad Smith can run, pass, and burn a subpar Steelers secondary. What can't he do? |
2. Jacoby Ford, WR, Oakland
 |
| Jacoby Ford taunts the Chiefs defender responsible for allowing the first Raider completion in 12 weeks. |
 |
| Cam Newton displays his remarkable prowess for douchebaggery. |
4. Reggie Bush, RB, Miami
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| Reggie Bush may not be the best football player, but damn. |
5. Kevin Kolb, QB, Arizona
 |
| Who is this man? A) The Eagles starting QB. B) Not Kevin Kolb. C) Both A and B. |
Five Defensive Players to Watch
1. Bart Scott, LB, New York
 |
| Bart Scott is the NFL leader in Making Sal Paolantonio Uncomfortables. |
2. Mario Williams, LB, Houston
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| Rawr. |
3. Albert Haynesworth, DT, New England
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| The Albert Haynesworth paradox. |
4. Asante Samuel, CB, Philadelphia
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| An innocent Asante Samuel once believed he was the future at cornerback for the Eagles. |
5. Elvis Dumervil, DE, Broncos
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| Soft porn: How Elvis Dumervil injured his pectoral. |
Dumervil, who had already been very good in his first three seasons, emerged in 2009 as one of the league's premier pass rushers, piling up a whopping 17 sacks to lead all defenders. But a pectoral injury shelved him before 2010 even got under way, and the Broncos stumbled to a 4-12 record. Part of that may have been owed to being forced to give numerous starts to Tim "Generously Kept on the Team for Moral Support After Getting Outplayed by Brady Quinn" Tebow, but a large share was likely due to a Dumervil-less unit finishing last in the league in total defense. Don't expect that to happen again if Dumervil is at full strength. There are still solid pieces in the Bronco secondary (Champ Bailey, Brian Dawkins, and rookie Rahim Moore), and Dumervil bringing the heat again up front could plug up at least most of the holes in a Denver D that allowed 38 first-half points to the Raiders last year.
Five Games to Watch
1. New York Jets at Patriots, Oct. 9: A rematch of the NFL's fiercest rivalry for the first time since the Jets' absolutely shocking first-round upset last year? Yes, please. Expect plenty of fireworks... and nude feet. Sorry. Had to get a Rex Ryan joke in there somewhere.
2. Eagles at Falcons, Sept. 18: Are the Eagles way over-hyped or really the Super Bowl favorites? A week two visit to last year's NFC finalists should be a good indicator... although, remember, even if a team has all the best players, they can still choke in the championship. Just ask a certain former Cavalier.
3. Texans at Bucs, Nov. 13: Two sexy young thangs will duke it out in this inter-conference, midseason battle that probably will reveal very little but should be a great game to watch... if the NFL broadcasters ever cared to show non-NFC East/AFC North games. But that's probably dreaming, right?
4. Bills at Chargers, Dec. 11: Why would the Bills make it in here? Because they could be the Dolphins of two years ago, making the playoffs out of absolutely nowhere. And what better time to see Buffalo prove themselves than in a late-season "Shawne Merriman returns home" game?
5. Steelers at Ravens, Sept. 11: The best showdown of week one, this game could very well set the tone for how the AFC North picture will play out this year. A victory for Ravens coach John Harbaugh could be a big consolation for his brother Jim, whose 49ers will surely be blown out by whoever they're playing.
Team by Team Rankings:
1. New England Patriots: Simply the best. Belichick+Brady+Ochocinco+Haynesworth may be one of the most detestable combinations around, but they will win all year, and win big all year.
2. Green Bay Packers: The defending Super Bowl champs bring back essentially the same team. Why would anyone doubt that they will again be serious contenders?
3. Philadelphia Eagles: Possibly riding too much hype, but Vick is near unstoppable when he's on, the secondary is great, and Andy Reid... well, the secondary is great. Did we mention that yet?
4. Baltimore Ravens: This team always falls just a little bit short every year. Domonique Foxworth is back at cornerback, though, and with the rest of the defense aging, this may be a do or die season in Baltimore.
5. Houston Texans: Always a hot underdog pick that never quite pans out, the Texans have had the offense for a while, and may finally have the defense to actually make some noise in the playoffs.
6. New York Jets: They will yap all year despite probably getting walloped twice by New England, but should be able to back it up with at least a run to the divisional round, if not the AFC championship again.
7. Atlanta Falcons: Sports Illustrated seer Peter King's Super Bowl pick, the Falcons are not sexy, but are solid across the board and could quietly be a top contender come late January.
8. New Orleans Saints: This defense is probably a bit more suspect than might be expected, but a Drew Brees-led offense is always a threat to do some damage.
9. San Diego Chargers: The Bolts (notice the usage of an obscure nickname) are a popular AFC champion pick, but it's unclear how people see them getting past the beasts of the AFC East.
10. Detroit Lions: This may (may) be the year the Lions actually follow through on their alleged promise. But another Matt Stafford injury would be devastating, unless anyone in Detroit trusts Shaun Hill.
11. New York Giants: It's never a great idea to pick an Eli Manning-led team to go too far, but the rest of the squad is uniformly above average, and you never know what this team might do.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Josh Freeman may quickly have gone from being under-the-radar to over-the-rated, but he is a promising young quarterback surrounded by promising young weapons.
13. Dallas Cowboys: Everyone would love to see another season of utter Cowboys misery, but a last-week elimination from playoff contention might be even better. Suck it, Jerry Jones.
14. Buffalo Bills: Buffalo has an outside shot at cracking the 12-team field. Outside shot. But still, the defense looks shockingly good on paper, and there are some weapons there for Ryan Fitzpatrick to use.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers will fade fast as the offense is revealed to be average and the defense just gets even older and even more frustrated. Oh, and the quarterback is a rapist. Never forget.
16. St. Louis Rams: The best team in the NFC West, the Rams will be no better than mediocre. But they do have enough talent in them to pull off a first-round upset like last year's Seahawks.
17. Indianapolis Colts: Been wondering where the Colts are? Peyton Manning will miss at least the first week, and the rest of the team, simply put, is no good. How much longer can one player carry the other 50?
18. Chicago Bears: A bad offensive line will allow Jay Cutler to once again be flooded by both defenders and criticism. A thin defense will often be in damage control mode following frequent turnovers.
19. Kansas City Chiefs: Any team that has Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles and still tries to give Jones half the carries is a team that isn't going to the playoffs back-to-back years. That simple.
20. Cleveland Browns: Mike Holmgren is on his way to turning it around in Cleveland, but give him at least another year. For now, keep an eye on Colt McCoy's development.
21. Seattle Seahawks: Only in the NFC West would the Seahawks be a serious contender. If Tarvaris Jackson proves to be a consistent option at QB, Seattle could easily grab another playoff spot.
22. Minnesota Vikings: Donovan McNabb is, like, 90 years old. And the defense has shed many of its playmakers. This won't be last year's disaster, but it won't be too pretty, either.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags really were looking alright, until inexplicably cutting their starting quarterback days before the season. Why does Jack del Rio want to lose his job?
24. Oakland Raiders: Oh, please. Who can take the Raiders seriously anymore? By week seven, they'll be starting Usain Bolt, some washout soccer player, and a seventh-round pick with a great bench press.
25. Tennessee Titans: There's potential for a surprise in Tennessee if Matt Hasselbeck has a little left in the tank and Chris Johnson adapts quickly from his holdout. But, more likely, a last place finish is in store.
26. Miami Dolphins: Chad Henne is not an NFL starting quarterback. An AARP-eligible Jason Taylor is not an NFL starting defensive lineman. The Dolphins plan to use both.
27. Arizona Cardinals: Way too many question marks on the offensive line, in the secondary, and in the backfield for the Cardinals to be competitive... probably even in their ridiculously soft division.
28. Denver Broncos: Hopefully this season will go downhill really fast, so that Tim Tebow can get some playing time and take the season downhill even faster.
29. Washington Redskins: A certain writer of an excellent blog once founded a Facebook group called "Bring Back Rex". It was a joke. Because Rex Grossman is bad. Rex Grossman is the Redskins starting QB.
30. San Francisco 49ers: Jim Harbaugh should have stayed at Stanford, where he belonged. Stanford will be fine without him. Harbaugh will not be fine without Stanford, not with this group of 49ers.
31. Carolina Panthers: There's not much here to indicate that Carolina will make a substantial improvement on their last-place finish from last year. But hey, maybe they'll win the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes (again)!
32. Cincinnati Bengals: This team is so bad it forced a quarterback still somewhat in his prime into retirement rather than come back and play another season. That's pretty damn bad.
Predictions:
AFC Wild Card Rd.:
Jets (WC) over Chargers (West)
Texans (South) over Bills (WC)
NFC Wild Card Rd.:
Falcons (South) over Giants (WC)
Lions (WC) over Seahawks (West)
AFC Divisional Rd.:
Ravens (North) over Jets
Texans over Patriots (East)
NFC Divisional Rd.:
Eagles (East) over Lions
Packers (North) over Falcons
AFC Championship Game:
Texans over Ravens
NFC Championship Game:
Eagles over Packers
Super Bowl XLVI
Texans 31, Eagles 27
Yeah, that's right, The Optimist is taking the Texans this year. Watch it happen. Disagree? Leave a comment below. Also, be sure to become a follower (see right) if you aren't yet, and a wall of famer (see here) if you are. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the 2011 NFL Season!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Pour Some Su-Gore On Me Breaks Camp/Week One Preview
The Optimist is pleased to report that as his fantasy team, Pour Some Su-Gore on Me, breaks camp, expectations have never been higher. After bringing in strength and conditioning coach Jose Canseco and speed and agility coach Allen Iverson, who, out of work and in need of cash, accepted generous salaries of free room and board, team owner The Optimist is confident his team will be well supplied with as many performance enhancing drugs and discouraging practice-related rants as necessary. But based on raw talent alone, this squad will settle for nothing less than a championship... and you will be able to join them along the way, as team beat reporter The Optimist will generously offer free in-depth weekly reports on the team's status.
Training camp for Pour Some Su-Gore on Me was eventful, to say the least. After Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's Chargers Defense/Special Teams unit's newly acquired safety Bob Sanders attempted to make a two-hand touch on running back Beanie Wells in a non-contact drill and broke every known bone in his body, plus three no one knew existed, team owner The Optimist scoured the trade market for a new D/ST. He found one at a bargain basement price, swapping preseason number one quarterback and confirmed Neanderthal Aaron Rodgers, along with the Chargers defense, for 49ers tailback Frank Gore, aka "San Francisco 49ers Offense," and the Packers D/ST.
But this move left Pour Some Su-Gore on Me without a quarterback. So, thinking quickly, team general manager The Optimist dealt rookie running back and team towel boy Daniel Thomas and hunky tight end Owen Daniels for Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in a trade to salivate over. The new first-team offense, consisting of Schaub, Gore, Wells, running back Adrian Peterson, wide receivers Anquan Boldin and Mario Manningham, and tight end Kellen Winslow, quickly bonded over a fun night at the casino with speed and agility coach Allen Iverson, whose reported losings were a paltry $67,000.
The next day, it was back to work. Peterson and Gore clashed over who would receive the meaningless title of number one running back, a conflict that was resolved when strength and conditioning coach Jose Canseco distracted the entire team for several minutes by losing a mixed martial arts cage match to the team water boy, kicker Neil Rackers's four-year-old son. Wide receiver Kenny Britt made his bid to join the first-team offense by outrunning the entire team in wind sprints, only to strain both hamstrings and a quadriceps sitting down on the bench.
So, how will the team stack up in week one? Here's team advance scout The Optimist's guess:
Matt Schaub, QB, Texans, vs. Colts: The Peyton Manning-less Colts, stung by the fact that they are actually not a very good team, will pull that sore loser move in which one acts like one is not trying in order to mask the fact that one is getting one's ass handed to oneself. Schaub will take advantage. 22 points.
Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings, vs. Chargers: Peterson will enjoy the chance to face his former teammates the Chargers D/ST, and run wild on them, gaining well over a hundred yards, scoring at least two touchdowns, and breaking Bob Sanders's nose with a light stiff arm. 26 points.
Frank Gore, RB, 49ers, vs. Seahawks: Did anyone see what the Seahawks did to the Saints' running game in the first round of last year's playoffs?!? Neither did team advance scout The Optimist. But it probably wasn't that impressive. Gore can handle a unit led by "Lofa Tatupu" no problem. 18 points.
Beanie Wells, RB, Cardinals, vs. Panthers: Beanie Wells is not a particularly good football player. If he were rated on a scale of 1 to 10, he would probably be a 5.5. The Panthers are far worse football players. If they were rated on a scale of 1 to 10, they would be negative 8's. 5.5>-8. 17 points.
Kenny Britt, WR, Titans, vs. Jaguars: A tough match-up for usual starter Anquan Boldin (the Steelers) gives Britt the start. If he avoids pulling/straining half the muscles in his leg, which has proven to be one of his favorite hobbies this preseason, he should be solid. 9 points.
Mario Manningham, WR, Giants, vs. Redskins: The Redskins are starting Rex Grossman at quarterback. They are also starting Tim Hightower at running back. Team advance scout The Optimist projects that the Redskins will get two first downs in this game. Good news for the Giants offense. 12 points.
Kellen Winslow, TE, Bucs, vs. Lions: Team head coach The Optimist was very impressed with Winslow in training camp, so much so that he recommended to team general manager The Optimist that the team deal fellow tight end Owen Daniels. Winslow won't disappoint. 8 points.
Packers D/ST, vs. Saints: In an intriguing season kickoff game, Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's defense may be challenged. But speed and agility coach Allen Iverson insists he has run enough layup lines to keep the secondary loose all game for the quick Saints offense. 7 points.
Neil Rackers, K, Texans, vs. Colts: Remember how Matt Schaub is going to be throwing touchdowns galore in this game? Someone has to kick the extra points. And Rackers was perfect on extra points all last year. Hoo, yeah. 9 points.
For those that can't add, Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's team advance scout The Optimist is projecting a 128 point week for what is essentially a fantasy all-star team. Sounds reasonable enough. While some of Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's players are quaking in their boots to go up against a team with a name as intimidating as "trading foster for RB and WR," team head coach The Optimist is guaranteeing victory. Count on it.
Updates from Pour Some Su-Gore on Me team head coach/general manager/owner/beat reporter/advance scout The Optimist will occur in weekly installations. Meanwhile, football fans, keep your eyes peeled for a jam-packed, content-filled, mega-sized, extreme-loaded NFL Preview from The Optimist, coming Wednesday to a computer monitor near you. (Also coming soon are a summer movie wrap, movie awards season preview, and a new installation in the Masters of Pop series on Lady Gaga.) The Optimist hopes you are as excited for Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's upcoming season, and reminds you that the best way to support your favorite blog-hosted fantasy football team is to become a follower of The Optimist, or, having already done that, to join the Wall of Fame. Thanks for your support!
Training camp for Pour Some Su-Gore on Me was eventful, to say the least. After Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's Chargers Defense/Special Teams unit's newly acquired safety Bob Sanders attempted to make a two-hand touch on running back Beanie Wells in a non-contact drill and broke every known bone in his body, plus three no one knew existed, team owner The Optimist scoured the trade market for a new D/ST. He found one at a bargain basement price, swapping preseason number one quarterback and confirmed Neanderthal Aaron Rodgers, along with the Chargers defense, for 49ers tailback Frank Gore, aka "San Francisco 49ers Offense," and the Packers D/ST.
But this move left Pour Some Su-Gore on Me without a quarterback. So, thinking quickly, team general manager The Optimist dealt rookie running back and team towel boy Daniel Thomas and hunky tight end Owen Daniels for Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in a trade to salivate over. The new first-team offense, consisting of Schaub, Gore, Wells, running back Adrian Peterson, wide receivers Anquan Boldin and Mario Manningham, and tight end Kellen Winslow, quickly bonded over a fun night at the casino with speed and agility coach Allen Iverson, whose reported losings were a paltry $67,000.
The next day, it was back to work. Peterson and Gore clashed over who would receive the meaningless title of number one running back, a conflict that was resolved when strength and conditioning coach Jose Canseco distracted the entire team for several minutes by losing a mixed martial arts cage match to the team water boy, kicker Neil Rackers's four-year-old son. Wide receiver Kenny Britt made his bid to join the first-team offense by outrunning the entire team in wind sprints, only to strain both hamstrings and a quadriceps sitting down on the bench.
So, how will the team stack up in week one? Here's team advance scout The Optimist's guess:
Matt Schaub, QB, Texans, vs. Colts: The Peyton Manning-less Colts, stung by the fact that they are actually not a very good team, will pull that sore loser move in which one acts like one is not trying in order to mask the fact that one is getting one's ass handed to oneself. Schaub will take advantage. 22 points.
Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings, vs. Chargers: Peterson will enjoy the chance to face his former teammates the Chargers D/ST, and run wild on them, gaining well over a hundred yards, scoring at least two touchdowns, and breaking Bob Sanders's nose with a light stiff arm. 26 points.
Frank Gore, RB, 49ers, vs. Seahawks: Did anyone see what the Seahawks did to the Saints' running game in the first round of last year's playoffs?!? Neither did team advance scout The Optimist. But it probably wasn't that impressive. Gore can handle a unit led by "Lofa Tatupu" no problem. 18 points.
Beanie Wells, RB, Cardinals, vs. Panthers: Beanie Wells is not a particularly good football player. If he were rated on a scale of 1 to 10, he would probably be a 5.5. The Panthers are far worse football players. If they were rated on a scale of 1 to 10, they would be negative 8's. 5.5>-8. 17 points.
Kenny Britt, WR, Titans, vs. Jaguars: A tough match-up for usual starter Anquan Boldin (the Steelers) gives Britt the start. If he avoids pulling/straining half the muscles in his leg, which has proven to be one of his favorite hobbies this preseason, he should be solid. 9 points.
Mario Manningham, WR, Giants, vs. Redskins: The Redskins are starting Rex Grossman at quarterback. They are also starting Tim Hightower at running back. Team advance scout The Optimist projects that the Redskins will get two first downs in this game. Good news for the Giants offense. 12 points.
Kellen Winslow, TE, Bucs, vs. Lions: Team head coach The Optimist was very impressed with Winslow in training camp, so much so that he recommended to team general manager The Optimist that the team deal fellow tight end Owen Daniels. Winslow won't disappoint. 8 points.
Packers D/ST, vs. Saints: In an intriguing season kickoff game, Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's defense may be challenged. But speed and agility coach Allen Iverson insists he has run enough layup lines to keep the secondary loose all game for the quick Saints offense. 7 points.
Neil Rackers, K, Texans, vs. Colts: Remember how Matt Schaub is going to be throwing touchdowns galore in this game? Someone has to kick the extra points. And Rackers was perfect on extra points all last year. Hoo, yeah. 9 points.
For those that can't add, Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's team advance scout The Optimist is projecting a 128 point week for what is essentially a fantasy all-star team. Sounds reasonable enough. While some of Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's players are quaking in their boots to go up against a team with a name as intimidating as "trading foster for RB and WR," team head coach The Optimist is guaranteeing victory. Count on it.
Updates from Pour Some Su-Gore on Me team head coach/general manager/owner/beat reporter/advance scout The Optimist will occur in weekly installations. Meanwhile, football fans, keep your eyes peeled for a jam-packed, content-filled, mega-sized, extreme-loaded NFL Preview from The Optimist, coming Wednesday to a computer monitor near you. (Also coming soon are a summer movie wrap, movie awards season preview, and a new installation in the Masters of Pop series on Lady Gaga.) The Optimist hopes you are as excited for Pour Some Su-Gore on Me's upcoming season, and reminds you that the best way to support your favorite blog-hosted fantasy football team is to become a follower of The Optimist, or, having already done that, to join the Wall of Fame. Thanks for your support!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
College Football Preview
Better late than never, The Optimist likes to say. Sure, the college football season may already be under way, but he can still rite his college football season preview. Here is what to watch for in his new, upcoming season of college football.
Five Teams That Will Be Better Than Expected:
1. Stanford: Could anyone else be number one? Andrew Luck is regarded as the leading Heisman contender by a mile and a half, and the team will be strong at almost every defensive position (cornerback will be a liability). The Cardinal knows they have to win this year, before Luck leaves, and they will deliver.
2. Florida State: The Seminoles are a very good team in a very poor BCS conference. Take a look at their schedule-- if FSU can beat number one Oklahoma in their third game, they're an odds-on favorite to run the table and make the ACC's first BCS championship game appearance in who knows how long. If the 'Noles can get some solid quarterback play, don't be surprised if they are a title contender all year.
3. Wisconsin: The addition of college-style free agent Russell Wilson, formerly of NC State, should make the Badgers the Big 10 frontrunners. Any worries that it might take Wilson a few games to figure out the Wisconsin system were quashed with the team's 51-17 throttling of UNLV on Thursday. This team probably doesn't have enough pieces to go undefeated, but they should be smelling roses come New Year's Day.
4. Georgia: The Dawgs will be all juiced up following their opening-week upset of Boise State (the Optimist is setting himself up for a missed prediction very early in the season here), and that momentum should carry through for the rest of the season. The SEC East is notably weaker than the West, and a week two game against South Carolina is all that stands in Georgia's way for a chance to play for the conference title.
5. Syracuse: Someone has to grab the putrid Big East's automatic BCS bowl bid, right? Right? Well, why not Syracuse? This is one team in the conference clearly headed in the right direction, grabbing the school's first bowl bid in approximately two centuries last year, and with a bunch of mediocre Big East squads and an overrated USC the only obstacles on the schedule, Syracuse is a pretty good bet to be the conference's choice to get hammered by some two-loss SEC team in, say, the Sugar Bowl.
Five Teams That Will Be Worst Than Expected:
1. Texas A&M: For those who followed just a couple weeks ago, this is a no-brainer. The Big 12 is unraveling with the loss of Nebraska and Colorado, and Texas A&M almost dealt the conference a knockout blow by trying to bail for the SEC. Only problem? The SEC wasn't ready for the Aggies, so they are sticking around the Big 12, at least for now. Think the rest of the conference isn't going to bring a little extra against the backstabbing number eight team in the nation? You bet they are.
2. Florida: Sorry Gator fans, Tim Tebow is gone. So is any semblance of a football team that can really contend in the national picture, much less the SEC. The preseason ranking (#22) is just a courtesy, because Florida certainly will not be near that good. On top of their general mediocrity, the Gators have a brutal schedule (Alabama, Georgia, Florida State, at South Carolina, at LSU, at Auburn). 7-5 is not out of the question.
3. LSU: Scheduling Oregon for the first week of the season was a horrible idea for a team with a shaky quarterback situation. The loss of inconsistent expected starter Jordan Jefferson to a suspension leaves the Tigers' backup and occasional starter Jarret Lee with a likely insurmountable challenge to kick off the season. With a loss to Oregon (another chance for The Optimist to blow a prediction in week one) and a full SEC East schedule, LSU will probably be on the outside of the BCS picture looking in.
4. Boise State: Number five? The Optimist doesn't think so. The Broncos will have to play some real teams this year, including not only Georgia in week one but WAC favorites Nevada, who knocked off Boise State last year, and new Mountain West opponents like TCU, Air Force, and San Diego State. Two losses sounds reasonable, and that should be enough to land Boise in the likes of the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.
5. Oklahoma: The likely Big 12 title winners are almost sure to stumble at some point this season, playing early out-of-conference against a formidable and highly motivated Florida State squad, plus finishing in what could be a very high stakes rivalry game against Oklahoma State in Stillwater. Are the Sooners very good? Yes. Are they good enough to win both those games and avoid an upset in their other ten to reach the BCS championship game as expected? Probably not. The Fiesta Bowl and Sugar Bowl should begin preparations for a visit from Oklahoma this year.
Five Players to Watch:
1. Dan Persa, QB, Northwestern: Persa is absolutely dirty, completing well over 70% of his passes last year, while rushing for more than 40 yards in a game seven times and more than 80 three times. The Wildcats could easily be a dark horse contender in a deep but not top-loaded conference if Persa puts the team on his back. He'll be looking to avenge last season, when he was knocked out late in an upset win over Iowa and watched brutal losses to Illinois and Wisconsin, plus a bowl loss against Texas Tech, from the sideline.
2. Kenjon Barner, RB, Oregon: Time for a guessing game. Who led the Ducks' famed rushing attack in yards per carry among rushers with more than 20 carries? Could it be anyone but Heisman trophy finalist LaMichael James? Or maybe, just maybe, it's star dual-threat quarterback Darron Thomas? Nope. It was backup back Kenjon Barner, with 6.5 YPC. If Barner ever gets a chance, he can be a Heisman contender in his own right. Keep your eyes peeled for this guy. He's a beast.
3. Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina: The slippery workhorse running back will be counted on even more this year, with senior quarterback Stephen Garcia flirting with suspension just about 24/7 and flirting with interceptions even when he's on the field. Lattimore emerged as one of the country's most electrifying players in his freshman year in leading South Carolina to the SEC championship game, and will be looking to carry the Gamecocks back this season.
4. Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor: A true dual-threat, Griffin tore apart previously 14th-ranked TCU in a season-opening upset to the tune of 359 yards and five touchdowns (adding a modest 38 yards on the ground), proving the Bears could hold their ground in the Big 12 this year. But Griffin, who can get the job done as effectively on the ground as through the air, has been on The Optimist's radar for far longer: he's absolutely dirty in EA Sports's NCAA Football video games.
5. Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State: Someone's going to have to win the Pac-12 South. The Sun Devils are a trendy pick, thanks in large part to a stifling run defense led by the menacing Burfict, who is widely considered one of the top defensive prospects in the class of 2013. He has had trouble staying on the field, between disputes with coach Dennis Erickson and academic ineligibility, and when he does get into action, he is prone to committing costly penalties. (His consecutive 15-yarders cost ASU an upset bid against Stanford last year.) But his mere presence can be a gamechanger, and he could easily be the catalyst the Sun Devils need to grab a Pac-12 South title.
Five Storylines to Follow:
1. NCAA Infractions: Half the NCAA, it seems, including many of its hallmark programs, like USC, Ohio State, and Miami, are falling victim to the NCAA Infractions Committee. Watch to see whether the NCAA will keep bringing its fist down, or whether the threatened losses should top programs continue to fall lead to a loosening of the rules or even a BCS-conference led exodus from the NCAA to create their own private league.
2. Conference Realignment: Every BCS conference team seems to want to be somewhere else right now. The Big 12 and ACC are in serious danger of being picked apart by the poaching Pac-12 and SEC, with rumors rampant that Oklahoma and Texas could be among the teams moving to the Pac-12. The possibility of a four-superconference league remains. Colorado and Nebraska fleeing the Big 12 for the Pac-12 and TCU leaving the Mountain West for the Big East are likely only the first of many dominoes to fall.
3. The Dismal Big East: Speaking of TCU, will there be anyone in the Big East to challenge them when they arrive next year? Syracuse, South Florida, and West Virginia all have the potential to be decent, but unless someone can come out of the conference and make a decent showing in a BCS bowl, TCU will be regretting leaving the Mountain West just as Boise State arrives.
4. Playoffs?: The entire country, even president Barack Obama, is ready for a college football playoff. If the NCAA wants to get serious about combating the possibility of many of its top programs splitting to form a sovereign league, it better cut the BCS, and quick. The only chance to save the bowls would be an electrifying national championship game between the clear-cut top two teams in the country.
5. Non-BCS Contenders: Boise State and TCU have been the only teams making noise outside of the major conferences, but TCU is clearly not making a repeat Rose Bowl trip this year, and Boise State may not pack quite the punch that they have in previous years. Someone will have to fill this gap to keep the lower conferences relevant, especially with TCU joining a BCS conference next year. Nevada could become the new Boise State if they can dominate the WAC and knock off Boise in a non-conference matchup, and Houston quarterback Case Keenum could make the Cougars semi-relevant. But will anyone make a serious run at the top ten?
Predictions:
National Championship Game: Stanford over Florida State
ACC Championship Game: Florida State over Virginia Tech
Big 12 Champion: Oklahoma
Big East Champion: Syracuse
Big Ten Championship Game: Wisconsin over Michigan State
Conference USA Championship Game: Houston over Southern Miss
MAC Championship Game: Temple over Northern Illinois
Mountain West Champion: Boise State
Pac-12 Championship Game: Stanford over Arizona State
SEC Championship Game: Alabama over Georgia
Sun Belt Champion: Florida International
WAC Champion: Nevada
Five Teams That Will Be Better Than Expected:
1. Stanford: Could anyone else be number one? Andrew Luck is regarded as the leading Heisman contender by a mile and a half, and the team will be strong at almost every defensive position (cornerback will be a liability). The Cardinal knows they have to win this year, before Luck leaves, and they will deliver.
2. Florida State: The Seminoles are a very good team in a very poor BCS conference. Take a look at their schedule-- if FSU can beat number one Oklahoma in their third game, they're an odds-on favorite to run the table and make the ACC's first BCS championship game appearance in who knows how long. If the 'Noles can get some solid quarterback play, don't be surprised if they are a title contender all year.
3. Wisconsin: The addition of college-style free agent Russell Wilson, formerly of NC State, should make the Badgers the Big 10 frontrunners. Any worries that it might take Wilson a few games to figure out the Wisconsin system were quashed with the team's 51-17 throttling of UNLV on Thursday. This team probably doesn't have enough pieces to go undefeated, but they should be smelling roses come New Year's Day.
4. Georgia: The Dawgs will be all juiced up following their opening-week upset of Boise State (the Optimist is setting himself up for a missed prediction very early in the season here), and that momentum should carry through for the rest of the season. The SEC East is notably weaker than the West, and a week two game against South Carolina is all that stands in Georgia's way for a chance to play for the conference title.
5. Syracuse: Someone has to grab the putrid Big East's automatic BCS bowl bid, right? Right? Well, why not Syracuse? This is one team in the conference clearly headed in the right direction, grabbing the school's first bowl bid in approximately two centuries last year, and with a bunch of mediocre Big East squads and an overrated USC the only obstacles on the schedule, Syracuse is a pretty good bet to be the conference's choice to get hammered by some two-loss SEC team in, say, the Sugar Bowl.
Five Teams That Will Be Worst Than Expected:
1. Texas A&M: For those who followed just a couple weeks ago, this is a no-brainer. The Big 12 is unraveling with the loss of Nebraska and Colorado, and Texas A&M almost dealt the conference a knockout blow by trying to bail for the SEC. Only problem? The SEC wasn't ready for the Aggies, so they are sticking around the Big 12, at least for now. Think the rest of the conference isn't going to bring a little extra against the backstabbing number eight team in the nation? You bet they are.
2. Florida: Sorry Gator fans, Tim Tebow is gone. So is any semblance of a football team that can really contend in the national picture, much less the SEC. The preseason ranking (#22) is just a courtesy, because Florida certainly will not be near that good. On top of their general mediocrity, the Gators have a brutal schedule (Alabama, Georgia, Florida State, at South Carolina, at LSU, at Auburn). 7-5 is not out of the question.
3. LSU: Scheduling Oregon for the first week of the season was a horrible idea for a team with a shaky quarterback situation. The loss of inconsistent expected starter Jordan Jefferson to a suspension leaves the Tigers' backup and occasional starter Jarret Lee with a likely insurmountable challenge to kick off the season. With a loss to Oregon (another chance for The Optimist to blow a prediction in week one) and a full SEC East schedule, LSU will probably be on the outside of the BCS picture looking in.
4. Boise State: Number five? The Optimist doesn't think so. The Broncos will have to play some real teams this year, including not only Georgia in week one but WAC favorites Nevada, who knocked off Boise State last year, and new Mountain West opponents like TCU, Air Force, and San Diego State. Two losses sounds reasonable, and that should be enough to land Boise in the likes of the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.
5. Oklahoma: The likely Big 12 title winners are almost sure to stumble at some point this season, playing early out-of-conference against a formidable and highly motivated Florida State squad, plus finishing in what could be a very high stakes rivalry game against Oklahoma State in Stillwater. Are the Sooners very good? Yes. Are they good enough to win both those games and avoid an upset in their other ten to reach the BCS championship game as expected? Probably not. The Fiesta Bowl and Sugar Bowl should begin preparations for a visit from Oklahoma this year.
Five Players to Watch:
1. Dan Persa, QB, Northwestern: Persa is absolutely dirty, completing well over 70% of his passes last year, while rushing for more than 40 yards in a game seven times and more than 80 three times. The Wildcats could easily be a dark horse contender in a deep but not top-loaded conference if Persa puts the team on his back. He'll be looking to avenge last season, when he was knocked out late in an upset win over Iowa and watched brutal losses to Illinois and Wisconsin, plus a bowl loss against Texas Tech, from the sideline.
2. Kenjon Barner, RB, Oregon: Time for a guessing game. Who led the Ducks' famed rushing attack in yards per carry among rushers with more than 20 carries? Could it be anyone but Heisman trophy finalist LaMichael James? Or maybe, just maybe, it's star dual-threat quarterback Darron Thomas? Nope. It was backup back Kenjon Barner, with 6.5 YPC. If Barner ever gets a chance, he can be a Heisman contender in his own right. Keep your eyes peeled for this guy. He's a beast.
3. Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina: The slippery workhorse running back will be counted on even more this year, with senior quarterback Stephen Garcia flirting with suspension just about 24/7 and flirting with interceptions even when he's on the field. Lattimore emerged as one of the country's most electrifying players in his freshman year in leading South Carolina to the SEC championship game, and will be looking to carry the Gamecocks back this season.
4. Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor: A true dual-threat, Griffin tore apart previously 14th-ranked TCU in a season-opening upset to the tune of 359 yards and five touchdowns (adding a modest 38 yards on the ground), proving the Bears could hold their ground in the Big 12 this year. But Griffin, who can get the job done as effectively on the ground as through the air, has been on The Optimist's radar for far longer: he's absolutely dirty in EA Sports's NCAA Football video games.
5. Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State: Someone's going to have to win the Pac-12 South. The Sun Devils are a trendy pick, thanks in large part to a stifling run defense led by the menacing Burfict, who is widely considered one of the top defensive prospects in the class of 2013. He has had trouble staying on the field, between disputes with coach Dennis Erickson and academic ineligibility, and when he does get into action, he is prone to committing costly penalties. (His consecutive 15-yarders cost ASU an upset bid against Stanford last year.) But his mere presence can be a gamechanger, and he could easily be the catalyst the Sun Devils need to grab a Pac-12 South title.
Five Storylines to Follow:
1. NCAA Infractions: Half the NCAA, it seems, including many of its hallmark programs, like USC, Ohio State, and Miami, are falling victim to the NCAA Infractions Committee. Watch to see whether the NCAA will keep bringing its fist down, or whether the threatened losses should top programs continue to fall lead to a loosening of the rules or even a BCS-conference led exodus from the NCAA to create their own private league.
2. Conference Realignment: Every BCS conference team seems to want to be somewhere else right now. The Big 12 and ACC are in serious danger of being picked apart by the poaching Pac-12 and SEC, with rumors rampant that Oklahoma and Texas could be among the teams moving to the Pac-12. The possibility of a four-superconference league remains. Colorado and Nebraska fleeing the Big 12 for the Pac-12 and TCU leaving the Mountain West for the Big East are likely only the first of many dominoes to fall.
3. The Dismal Big East: Speaking of TCU, will there be anyone in the Big East to challenge them when they arrive next year? Syracuse, South Florida, and West Virginia all have the potential to be decent, but unless someone can come out of the conference and make a decent showing in a BCS bowl, TCU will be regretting leaving the Mountain West just as Boise State arrives.
4. Playoffs?: The entire country, even president Barack Obama, is ready for a college football playoff. If the NCAA wants to get serious about combating the possibility of many of its top programs splitting to form a sovereign league, it better cut the BCS, and quick. The only chance to save the bowls would be an electrifying national championship game between the clear-cut top two teams in the country.
5. Non-BCS Contenders: Boise State and TCU have been the only teams making noise outside of the major conferences, but TCU is clearly not making a repeat Rose Bowl trip this year, and Boise State may not pack quite the punch that they have in previous years. Someone will have to fill this gap to keep the lower conferences relevant, especially with TCU joining a BCS conference next year. Nevada could become the new Boise State if they can dominate the WAC and knock off Boise in a non-conference matchup, and Houston quarterback Case Keenum could make the Cougars semi-relevant. But will anyone make a serious run at the top ten?
Predictions:
National Championship Game: Stanford over Florida State
ACC Championship Game: Florida State over Virginia Tech
Big 12 Champion: Oklahoma
Big East Champion: Syracuse
Big Ten Championship Game: Wisconsin over Michigan State
Conference USA Championship Game: Houston over Southern Miss
MAC Championship Game: Temple over Northern Illinois
Mountain West Champion: Boise State
Pac-12 Championship Game: Stanford over Arizona State
SEC Championship Game: Alabama over Georgia
Sun Belt Champion: Florida International
WAC Champion: Nevada
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