Well, it looks like another MLB season is in the books. The Optimist has to be honest: he lost a bit of interest in the season when his favorite team, the A's, and second favorite team, the Padres, proved that it was, in fact, possible to start nine players who are unable to hit a baseball out of the infield. Yes, those are the same A's who the new film "Moneyball" glorifies despite not making it to a World Series in the past 20 years. The same A's who haven't had a winning season in who knows how long. The same A's who think that Daric Barton is an ideal two-hitter. Not that The Optimist is bitter.
Meanwhile, The Optimist fared extremely well with his preseason predictions, nailing a solid 3 out of 8 playoff teams. Great job as usual. At least the Brewers were a fairly good NL champion pick. The White Sox in the AL? Not so much. But then again, who could have foreseen White Sox DH Adam Dunn breaking every conceivable crappy hitting record in existence? Possibly the 31 teams that passed on him before he landed with the White Sox for a bargain basement price, but who's really counting anyway?
In other news, the Cardinals won the World Series, much to the chagrin of The Optimist, who likes deserving teams to win championships. The 2007 New York Giants? Come on. The best team shouldn't be crowned based on a fourth-stringer who's going to retire a season later to go on a book tour and become a motivational speaker catching the ball against his helmet out of nowhere. Then again, that's what makes sports fun. The Optimist supposes he's being a bit too much of a curmudgeon here.
Getting back to the point, despite the lack of cool teams in serious contention, 2011 was a great year for baseball. Not only did it have one of the best World Series in years (OK, fair enough, the last eight or nine World Series have been horrifically boring, but this was good relative to all history), but the last day of the season, now overshadowed by World Series Game 6, was one of the best days of baseball ever. And props to ESPN, which gets a lot of things wrong, for doing the final day of games so well. To make things even perfect-er, basketball locked out and lost games and football came close to doing the same, which somehow made the baseball league office look (almost) human.
Anyway, what is left do to here? Two things: end-of-year awards and way-too-early predictions for the 2011 offseason and beyond.
End-of-Year Awards
AL MVP: The Red Sox' Jacoby Ellsbury, mostly because his name is "Jacoby," which inspires The Optimist to name his child Josephy or Donaldy or something.
NL MVP: The Brewers' Ryan Braun, neck beard and all.
AL Cy Young: If it's not the Tigers' Justin Verlander, then... well, nothing will really happen. But it'll be Justin Verlander.
NL Cy Young: The Dodgers' Clayton Kershaw. If the MVP voters are generous to Matt Kemp, the Dodgers could be the crappiest team ever to have both the MVP and Cy Young.
AL Rookie of the Year: The Yankees' Ivan Nova, which is a really sad statement about the rookies in the AL this year (although not as sad as the fact that Bobby Crosby once one this award).
NL Rookie of the Year: The Braves' Brandon Beachy, one of the studs The Optimist's fantasy baseball team rode to a sixth place finish.
AL Manager of the Year: The Tigers' Jim Leyland earned it, although the Rays' Joe Maddon will be the trendy pick. But look at the Tigers' lineup: they did not deserve to end up where they did. Props to Leyland.
NL Manager of the Year: Kirk Gibson of the Diamondbacks. Easy peasy. That team came out of nowhere.
Way-Too-Early Predictions
Slightly inspired by this great ESPN Page 2 piece, here are some predictions for this offseason and beyond:
1. The Cubs become the third coming of the Dream Team (Heat, Eagles). Theo Epstein signing on at general manager soon brings Terry Francona at manager and Albert Pujols at first base, which in turn lures anyone else remotely worth having on the free agent market. Epstein's savvy allows him to leverage his washed-up, underproducing former stars (Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez) to acquire a big name, possibly a starting pitcher. The Cubs make the 2012 playoffs and win a World Series in the next five years.
2. The A's don't break .500 any time in this decade (the 20-teens, if you will), and have no choice but to cut "Moneyball" Jesus Billy Beane. They also move to somewhere weird in the Bay Area, like Fremont, seduced by the prospect of a sexy new ballpark. No one comes to their games anyway.
3. 2010 Giants postseason hero Cody Ross is out of a job by the end of 2012, and none of the bandwagon fans who made his image their Facebook profile picture can quite remember who he is. The Giants tank again and lose Buster Posey to another injury, causing him to permanently move to first base. A's fans have a little something to smile about.
4. A team other than the Yankees or Red Sox wins the AL East in three of the next five years. The Rays are basically there, and the Blue Jays and Orioles are getting there. OK, fine, it's really unlikely. But have you ever thought you could just will something to happen? So has The Optimist.
5. Prince Fielder signs with the Rangers, who claim to be spenders this offseason and have a spot to fill at first base. (Mitch Moreland? A 70-year-old Michael Young who is capable of playing six other positions?) They win the next four AL West titles to make it six in a row. A's fans once again have nothing to smile about.
And if any of those things happen, The Optimist will be as pleasantly surprised as you will. Check back soon for posts on Stanford sports, Lady Gaga, and more on the "Moneyball" movie. And (of course) make sure you are a follower! Thanks for reading.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The World Series: A Musing
Well, just like that, the St. Louis Cardinals are World Series champions. As recently as late Thursday night, that would've seemed a preposterous outcome. For one thing, the Cardinals were fairly undeserving of a playoff spot (sure, we can play the "They never said 'die' and gutted it out" approach, but if the Braves don't completely dissolve down the stretch, the Cardinals never get a shot). For another, they played three series in this 2011 MLB playoffs, and frankly, they were the worse team in every single one.
Let's go one-by-one here. The Cardinals take on the Phillies in the NLDS. No one gave them half a shot. The hosts of Pardon the Interruption on ESPN debated whether St. Louis would win at least one game. And then? The Phillies fell to the floor and grovelled at the Cardinals' feet like Sarah Palin begging Mitt Romney/Herman Cain/Any Republican With A Heartbeat for a spot on the 2012 ticket. This is not going to be a Cardinals lovefest here. Besides some Game 6 heroics, St. Louis, much like the Giants last year, were the beneficiaries of hitting a bunch of teams right as they fell apart.
In the NLCS, the Cardinals hit the Brewers, who had not only taken the NL Central title over the Cardinals but done so handily. Again, Milwaukee disintegrated in the pivotal games of the series, with infielders Yuniesky Betancourt, Rickie Weeks, and Jerry Hairston Jr. playing a fun game of "who can butcher the most routine plays in one series." Questionable managing from Ron Roenicke (starting Shaun Marcum, who looked like he couldn't beat The Optimist's high school's JV baseball team, in a must-win Game 6?) also contributed greatly to the Cardinals' cruise into the World Series.
But finally, it appeared the Cardinals had become the exact type of team they had faced in previous series. Taking on Texas in the World Series, Tony La Russa bungled not only calls to the bullpen but also absurdly untimely steal attempts, handing the Rangers Game 5. In Game 6 the Cardinals laid an egg in the early-going, with NLCS star David Freese dropping two pop flies and Matt Holliday making his case for the cumulative career title for crappiest fielding in the playoffs. Even once St. Louis got its act together, it seemed too little too late.
But then, in what has to have been one of the most epic World Series games ever, one that The Optimist cannot believe he missed because he was watching synchronized, choreographed dance routines, the Cardinals came back. From here on, give St. Louis credit. It was all them. David Freese came up huge with two outs and two strikes in the bottom of the ninth to send a triple to right (The Optimist won't even mention that Nelson Cruz could have made that play without even a tremendous degree of difficulty), and then Lance Berkman picked the team up again with an RBI single with one strike left after a Josh Hamilton home run had put the Rangers back up two in the top of the 10th inning.
And then? Freese once again. A home run to center to extend the Series. And at that point, you got a feeling that this was (again) the Cardinals' year. Really, how many teams bounce back on the road from blowing two two-run leads in the decisive innings; or worse, failing twice to get the last strike needed for a championship? St. Louis did clean up the mess in Game 7, winning 6-2 to clinch; but really, the Series was decided in Game 6.
Texas now is in danger of becoming the Buffalo Bills of baseball--often appearing in the championship, but never winning one. As for the Cardinals, well, The Optimist is a bit skeptical about whether they should really be in this position. But since they are--hell, you have to hand it to them. Now, on to the next Cardinal-baseball-related-story: Will Albert Pujols be in St. Louis in 2012?
That is all The Optimist has for today, check back tomorrow or Sunday for a full recap of the baseball season. Thanks for reading.
Let's go one-by-one here. The Cardinals take on the Phillies in the NLDS. No one gave them half a shot. The hosts of Pardon the Interruption on ESPN debated whether St. Louis would win at least one game. And then? The Phillies fell to the floor and grovelled at the Cardinals' feet like Sarah Palin begging Mitt Romney/Herman Cain/Any Republican With A Heartbeat for a spot on the 2012 ticket. This is not going to be a Cardinals lovefest here. Besides some Game 6 heroics, St. Louis, much like the Giants last year, were the beneficiaries of hitting a bunch of teams right as they fell apart.
In the NLCS, the Cardinals hit the Brewers, who had not only taken the NL Central title over the Cardinals but done so handily. Again, Milwaukee disintegrated in the pivotal games of the series, with infielders Yuniesky Betancourt, Rickie Weeks, and Jerry Hairston Jr. playing a fun game of "who can butcher the most routine plays in one series." Questionable managing from Ron Roenicke (starting Shaun Marcum, who looked like he couldn't beat The Optimist's high school's JV baseball team, in a must-win Game 6?) also contributed greatly to the Cardinals' cruise into the World Series.
But finally, it appeared the Cardinals had become the exact type of team they had faced in previous series. Taking on Texas in the World Series, Tony La Russa bungled not only calls to the bullpen but also absurdly untimely steal attempts, handing the Rangers Game 5. In Game 6 the Cardinals laid an egg in the early-going, with NLCS star David Freese dropping two pop flies and Matt Holliday making his case for the cumulative career title for crappiest fielding in the playoffs. Even once St. Louis got its act together, it seemed too little too late.
But then, in what has to have been one of the most epic World Series games ever, one that The Optimist cannot believe he missed because he was watching synchronized, choreographed dance routines, the Cardinals came back. From here on, give St. Louis credit. It was all them. David Freese came up huge with two outs and two strikes in the bottom of the ninth to send a triple to right (The Optimist won't even mention that Nelson Cruz could have made that play without even a tremendous degree of difficulty), and then Lance Berkman picked the team up again with an RBI single with one strike left after a Josh Hamilton home run had put the Rangers back up two in the top of the 10th inning.
And then? Freese once again. A home run to center to extend the Series. And at that point, you got a feeling that this was (again) the Cardinals' year. Really, how many teams bounce back on the road from blowing two two-run leads in the decisive innings; or worse, failing twice to get the last strike needed for a championship? St. Louis did clean up the mess in Game 7, winning 6-2 to clinch; but really, the Series was decided in Game 6.
Texas now is in danger of becoming the Buffalo Bills of baseball--often appearing in the championship, but never winning one. As for the Cardinals, well, The Optimist is a bit skeptical about whether they should really be in this position. But since they are--hell, you have to hand it to them. Now, on to the next Cardinal-baseball-related-story: Will Albert Pujols be in St. Louis in 2012?
That is all The Optimist has for today, check back tomorrow or Sunday for a full recap of the baseball season. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Masters of Rock: Coldplay
In honor of yesterday's release of the new Coldplay album, "Mylo Xyloto," The Optimist (who has listened to the new album and found it incredibly disappointing) is bringing back the long-hibernating Masters of Pop series, except renaming it "Masters of Rock," because calling Coldplay's music "pop" is offensive to their genius. Yeah, that's right. The Optimist is a huge Coldplay fan. You think Coldplay is soft, or girly, or what have you? Screw you. They're brilliant. Here are their top five songs.
5. Yes
The Optimist felt obligated to get something from "Viva La Vida" on here despite that album's clear inferiority to the others, and "Yes" was his choice. Coldplay gets some innovative violin crap going here, and they also do a hidden track in the final three minutes (not really up to the standard set by the first four minutes). If you learn one thing from listening to "Yes," it should be that "Viva La Vida" was, relatively, not a very good album.
4. A Rush Of Blood To The Head
3. A Message
"A Message" comes off of "X & Y," which must be Coldplay's most commercially successful album (it produced "Speed of Sound," "Fix You," and "Talk"). In a lot of ways, "A Message" is epitomic Coldplay: it has two or three bits that could reasonably be labeled a "chorus"; it varies from soft to not-as-soft; and it gushes about some anonymous love interest. As such, though, it is some of Coldplay's finest work save for perhaps a few instances where they venture a bit farther out of their comfort zone.
2. Green Eyes
"Green Eyes" is another track from "A Rush of Blood to the Head" (the album), which is by far Coldplay's most complete and absolutely stacked album. On a side note, The Optimist would opine that they have been trending downward ever since, which is the only reason (besides a Rihanna cameo) that he has tempered expectations for "Mylo Xyloto." Anyway, "Green Eyes" is rawer and less polished than most of Coldplay's other work, which is what makes it stand out even on their finest album. It lacks the total beauty of, say, "Yellow," but the feeling behind it seems just a bit more genuine (not that the feeling isn't always extraordinarily genuine to begin with).
1. Sparks
"Sparks" is the best track from "Parachutes," Coldplay's debut album, and quite frankly, they've never produced anything quite as perfect again. (Although album-wise, they did improve with "A Rush of Blood to the Head.") It is the best song you can find to play when you're in any number of quiet or down moods, particularly if it is roughly 2 or 3 AM. The Optimist would go so far as to contend that it is one of the best songs ever made.
Honorable Mention:
Yellow: Coldplay's most musically polished commercial success.
What If: The only track on "X & Y" that gives "A Message" a run for the money.
Trouble: Musically, perhaps the best Coldplay has produced. Lyrically, average.
Warning Sign: A little louder and more complex than usual for Coldplay, but still good.
Amsterdam: A fitting final track for the masterful "Rush of Blood to the Head" album.
Now. Having just built up Coldplay, The Optimist will tear them apart some time in the next few days with a "Mylo Xyloto" review once he is finished digesting the mediocrity of it all. Leave a comment if you love/hate Coldplay as much as The Optimist loves them. Follow, tweet, post to Facebook, +1, etc. Thanks for reading, and check back tomorrow for either a World Series Game 7 preview or a baseball season review (pending the result of Game 6).
5. Yes
The Optimist felt obligated to get something from "Viva La Vida" on here despite that album's clear inferiority to the others, and "Yes" was his choice. Coldplay gets some innovative violin crap going here, and they also do a hidden track in the final three minutes (not really up to the standard set by the first four minutes). If you learn one thing from listening to "Yes," it should be that "Viva La Vida" was, relatively, not a very good album.
4. A Rush Of Blood To The Head
One of the many awesome things about Coldplay is their ability to put out an album with a few hits (in this case, "Clocks" and "The Scientist") and a few really good alternative soft rock songs like "A Rush of Blood to the Head," which comes from the eponymous album. Not a whole lot of bands can make a song that is simultaneously as beautiful and intelligent as this one, much less make a song like this and still produce chart-topping singles.
3. A Message
"A Message" comes off of "X & Y," which must be Coldplay's most commercially successful album (it produced "Speed of Sound," "Fix You," and "Talk"). In a lot of ways, "A Message" is epitomic Coldplay: it has two or three bits that could reasonably be labeled a "chorus"; it varies from soft to not-as-soft; and it gushes about some anonymous love interest. As such, though, it is some of Coldplay's finest work save for perhaps a few instances where they venture a bit farther out of their comfort zone.
2. Green Eyes
"Green Eyes" is another track from "A Rush of Blood to the Head" (the album), which is by far Coldplay's most complete and absolutely stacked album. On a side note, The Optimist would opine that they have been trending downward ever since, which is the only reason (besides a Rihanna cameo) that he has tempered expectations for "Mylo Xyloto." Anyway, "Green Eyes" is rawer and less polished than most of Coldplay's other work, which is what makes it stand out even on their finest album. It lacks the total beauty of, say, "Yellow," but the feeling behind it seems just a bit more genuine (not that the feeling isn't always extraordinarily genuine to begin with).
1. Sparks
"Sparks" is the best track from "Parachutes," Coldplay's debut album, and quite frankly, they've never produced anything quite as perfect again. (Although album-wise, they did improve with "A Rush of Blood to the Head.") It is the best song you can find to play when you're in any number of quiet or down moods, particularly if it is roughly 2 or 3 AM. The Optimist would go so far as to contend that it is one of the best songs ever made.
Honorable Mention:
Yellow: Coldplay's most musically polished commercial success.
What If: The only track on "X & Y" that gives "A Message" a run for the money.
Trouble: Musically, perhaps the best Coldplay has produced. Lyrically, average.
Warning Sign: A little louder and more complex than usual for Coldplay, but still good.
Amsterdam: A fitting final track for the masterful "Rush of Blood to the Head" album.
Now. Having just built up Coldplay, The Optimist will tear them apart some time in the next few days with a "Mylo Xyloto" review once he is finished digesting the mediocrity of it all. Leave a comment if you love/hate Coldplay as much as The Optimist loves them. Follow, tweet, post to Facebook, +1, etc. Thanks for reading, and check back tomorrow for either a World Series Game 7 preview or a baseball season review (pending the result of Game 6).
Thursday, October 20, 2011
A College Tour (Part Three)
[Note: this post has been edited to reflect The Optimist's admissions results changed loyalties.]
As The Optimist's real loyal readers (all of you, of course) know, The Optimist recently embarked on an actual, non-virtual college tour this past weekend. The eight schools he visited will appear on this installment of the online college tour (see parts one and two here), but note that The Optimist will generally avoid disparaging remarks as these are all schools he is applying to. As such, this will carry a slightly different format from the last two portions of the college tour.
Swarthmore College: Swarthmore is one of the prettier campuses (campi? campusi?) that you are likely to see. Of course, to get there, The Optimist had to drive from 2 AM to 5 AM, ending up in Chester, PA (10 minutes outside of Swarthmore), the ghetto of the Philadelphia suburbs. If you ever are debating with your father about whether to sleep in the car, stay in the Chester Days Inn--which must house 12-15 murders a year--or continue to drive around at 5 in the morning, you have probably made a planning mistake. Still, Swarthmore has some cool stuff going on.
Princeton University: For those of you who live in Palo Alto, Princeton (the town) is kind of like what Palo Alto would be if it got smaller, quieter, and East-Coastier. If that makes any sense. Alright, so maybe Princeton and Palo Alto aren't that similar. Sue me. Meanwhile, the Princeton tour guide won "Second funniest tour anecdote" for telling the story of how Princeton tour guides (known as Orange Key tour guides) call attention to the architecture school by saying "The Princeton Architecture Building: Ironically, one of the ugliest buildings on campus," to which the architecture students responded by wearing shirts that said "Orange Key tour guides: Ironically, some of the ugliest people on campus."
Columbia University/Columbia College/Crap: Remember how The Optimist said he wasn't going to badmouth any of these places? Here's your exception. Columbia is basically what you would get if you uprooted Princeton, made it academically worse, moved it to New York City, made everyone douchier, and then told people they didn't have to go to school on Fridays or have roommates freshman year. So, in other words, it has literally nothing to do with Princeton, but that was a decent reference point. The Optimist is sure that there are people out there who would love Columbia. He's just not one of them (because he is sane).
Yale University: Rainy.
Brown University: Is it a strange coincidence that everything at Brown seems to be brown? (And by "everything," The Optimist means "the buildings.") Probably, yes. But it is. Also notable: the eclectic (read: hipster) student body and a respectable number of huge lawns. Plus, Providence is a nice town.
Harvard College: Here are some bad things about Harvard: 1) They have a speaker system set up in the main quad called "Voices of Harvard" that plays old Harvard commencement addresses on a non-stop loop. Weird. 2) Harvard Square, right next to campus, is disgusting. It is like a gross part of New York City that was picked up and moved to Cambridge. Here are some good things about Harvard: it is Harvard. That's all anyone really needs.
Williams College: Fun fact: Forbes magazine lists Williams as the best undergraduate education in the country, period. Also, Williams wins the "Funniest tour anecdote" with the story of Amherst students burning an "A" onto the Williams football field before the rivalry football game, to which Williams students responded by burning a "B+" onto the Amherst football field. Whoever thought of that is pretty damn clever. Also, Williams' color is purple, which is also The Optimist's favorite color, so a match appears to be made.
Amherst College: Basically the same idea as Williams except transplanted to slightly less completely-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-Massachusetts and surrounded by four other colleges (UMass, Smith, Mount Holyoke, and some hippie place they all founded together that will just be known as Hippie College). The two neighboring girls' schools are kind of a nice touch, although it is hard to forget that Amherst was on the receiving end of the story awarded the prestigious "Funniest tour anecdote" award.
If The Optimist had to rank the colleges he visited, he would do it roughly like this.
1. Brown
2. A bunch of very, very good schools he would be quite happy to go to.
4000000. Columbia
That's all. Thanks for reading. More posts will be coming soon, hopefully more rapidly (The Optimist got his first wave of college apps in and now has more time to build his relationship with you... yes, you.) Have a good Friday.
As The Optimist's real loyal readers (all of you, of course) know, The Optimist recently embarked on an actual, non-virtual college tour this past weekend. The eight schools he visited will appear on this installment of the online college tour (see parts one and two here), but note that The Optimist will generally avoid disparaging remarks as these are all schools he is applying to. As such, this will carry a slightly different format from the last two portions of the college tour.
Swarthmore College: Swarthmore is one of the prettier campuses (campi? campusi?) that you are likely to see. Of course, to get there, The Optimist had to drive from 2 AM to 5 AM, ending up in Chester, PA (10 minutes outside of Swarthmore), the ghetto of the Philadelphia suburbs. If you ever are debating with your father about whether to sleep in the car, stay in the Chester Days Inn--which must house 12-15 murders a year--or continue to drive around at 5 in the morning, you have probably made a planning mistake. Still, Swarthmore has some cool stuff going on.
Princeton University: For those of you who live in Palo Alto, Princeton (the town) is kind of like what Palo Alto would be if it got smaller, quieter, and East-Coastier. If that makes any sense. Alright, so maybe Princeton and Palo Alto aren't that similar. Sue me. Meanwhile, the Princeton tour guide won "Second funniest tour anecdote" for telling the story of how Princeton tour guides (known as Orange Key tour guides) call attention to the architecture school by saying "The Princeton Architecture Building: Ironically, one of the ugliest buildings on campus," to which the architecture students responded by wearing shirts that said "Orange Key tour guides: Ironically, some of the ugliest people on campus."
Columbia University/Columbia College/Crap: Remember how The Optimist said he wasn't going to badmouth any of these places? Here's your exception. Columbia is basically what you would get if you uprooted Princeton, made it academically worse, moved it to New York City, made everyone douchier, and then told people they didn't have to go to school on Fridays or have roommates freshman year. So, in other words, it has literally nothing to do with Princeton, but that was a decent reference point. The Optimist is sure that there are people out there who would love Columbia. He's just not one of them (because he is sane).
Yale University: Rainy.
Brown University: Is it a strange coincidence that everything at Brown seems to be brown? (And by "everything," The Optimist means "the buildings.") Probably, yes. But it is. Also notable: the eclectic (read: hipster) student body and a respectable number of huge lawns. Plus, Providence is a nice town.
Harvard College: Here are some bad things about Harvard: 1) They have a speaker system set up in the main quad called "Voices of Harvard" that plays old Harvard commencement addresses on a non-stop loop. Weird. 2) Harvard Square, right next to campus, is disgusting. It is like a gross part of New York City that was picked up and moved to Cambridge. Here are some good things about Harvard: it is Harvard. That's all anyone really needs.
Williams College: Fun fact: Forbes magazine lists Williams as the best undergraduate education in the country, period. Also, Williams wins the "Funniest tour anecdote" with the story of Amherst students burning an "A" onto the Williams football field before the rivalry football game, to which Williams students responded by burning a "B+" onto the Amherst football field. Whoever thought of that is pretty damn clever. Also, Williams' color is purple, which is also The Optimist's favorite color, so a match appears to be made.
Amherst College: Basically the same idea as Williams except transplanted to slightly less completely-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-Massachusetts and surrounded by four other colleges (UMass, Smith, Mount Holyoke, and some hippie place they all founded together that will just be known as Hippie College). The two neighboring girls' schools are kind of a nice touch, although it is hard to forget that Amherst was on the receiving end of the story awarded the prestigious "Funniest tour anecdote" award.
If The Optimist had to rank the colleges he visited, he would do it roughly like this.
1. Brown
2. A bunch of very, very good schools he would be quite happy to go to.
4000000. Columbia
That's all. Thanks for reading. More posts will be coming soon, hopefully more rapidly (The Optimist got his first wave of college apps in and now has more time to build his relationship with you... yes, you.) Have a good Friday.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
More Rants
Let's just dive right in here. The Optimist just came back (as in, came back last night) from a four-day college tour, which will be covered more fully tomorrow in "A College Tour: Part Three," but he has a few observations. Principally, what the @#%* is the deal with every tour guide telling you how many a capella groups their college has? (Swarthmore wins on a per capita basis with 7 for 15,000 students, in case anyone was wondering.)
Who shows up on a campus and has this series of thoughts: "Hmmm... looks nice... but how are the a capella groups? If I don't like the first two I join, will there be a third? A fourth? A fourteenth [looking at you, Princeton]? How will my college experience be complete without a sufficient amount of a capella music? Is it possible that I will want for a capella performances? If I want to form a new group, will the administration smile upon that, or will they be more likely to ask what is wrong with the first fourteen? Is there one to which I can bring my beatboxing talents [a kid actually asked something along these lines during the Amherst information session]?"
Is beatboxing even a thing people really do???? The Optimist was always under the impression that it was something he and his friend, identified here as his rapper codename Applesauce da Boss, did when they were bored and wanted to remind themselves why they were virgins. Even if it is a thing, is it a thing worth basing college choice off of? This must be what the kid's "What I want in a college" checklist looks like: 1. Nice campus; 2. Numerous a capella groups [beatboxing required]; 3. Appropriate venues for said a capella groups; 4. Good classes or something." Does anyone else find that weird? No?
Alright, so let's say you are a reasonable kid, perhaps one with no intention of joining, forming, or even tacitly facilitating the propagation of a capella groups. There remains a 1 in 1.4 probability (that would probably usually be written as 5 in 7, but whatever) that you will have a parent who asks a question on one of these college tour/information sessions that at the time seems the stupidest question in the world. Sometimes it is said that there are no stupid questions. That is 100% wrong, as anyone who has been on a college tour knows. The expression, perhaps, should be "If you are a fourth-grader, there is no such thing as a stupid question, but if you are a parent on a college visit, there is no such a thing as a good question."
Here are some samples:
1. Does Swarthmore have the blue light system? [No.] So when do the gates to campus close? [Never?] So do you feel safe at Swarthmore? [Yes.] Even without the blue light system? [etc.]
2. Does Amherst realize how much harder the IB program is for international students than AP? [Yes.] Because it's a frequent debate at our international school which is better, to get good grades in IB or great grades in AP, and I've had two kids go through Ivy League schools after doing IB, and they are clearly better-prepared than most students, but it remains a debate at our school, so I just want to know whether there is.... [is this a question? No? Didn't think so.]
3. What GPA should you have to apply to Columbia? [REALLY?!? Stop. Stop it. Go home.]
4. If you apply to Columbia early and get rejected, will that affect your chances when you apply again at the normal deadline? [Yes, yes it will. It will affect them so badly that they, by rule, cease to exist, as was mentioned three times in the presentation. What is wrong with you?]
5. [Some question or other is asked and answered, then a mother raises her hand and says:] Well, I actually used to work here at Princeton, so I think I can expand on that. [No, no, just hold on. Maybe the admissions guy should sit down and you should run the meeting? Would that be good? Clearly, you're knowledgeable here. No, please. Really. Run this meeting. I would love it. Come on. Please?]
Also, if you went to whatever fine institution you have taken your child to visit, you do not need to whisper the names of the programs/buildings/events being described by the tour guides before they are mentioned by name. For instance, if the tour guide says, "Every year, thousands of people show up on campus wearing orange and black, tiger tails, just crazy school spirit," and he is about to tell you what the cause of this phenomenon is, you don't need to whisper "REUNIONS!" to your sons so that everyone can hear and then beam and look around like you just won "Jeopardy!" or something. Gosh.
Alright, finally, on a totally different note, I had a tremendous opportunity to listen to the Redskins radio station on the ESPN Radio App (not worth it, if you are thinking of dropping the two bucks) while driving from Providence to Boston, and I realized that the Redskins radio team (Larry Michael, Sam Huff, and Sonny Jurgensen in the booth, and Rick "Doc" Walker patrolling the sidelines, for those keeping score at home) are the single best announcing crew in the world. Here are a few things heard during the Redskins-Eagles broadcast Sunday:
Michael: "And it looks like Vick is down and is going to need to be helped off the field."
Jurgensen: "Great! That's how we should be hitting!"
Jurgensen: "What's the score? I can't quite read it."
Huff: "Uhh... 20-6."
Jurgensen: "Boy, 20-6. The 'Skins really need a stop here."
[Much to everyone in the booth's immense glee, Redskins starting QB Rex Grossman, who has thrown four interceptions, is replaced by backup QB John Beck.]
Michael: "And that pass from Beck is broken up, bringing fourth down."
Jurgensen: "Really good throw from Beck."
Huff: "Let me tell you, that was not just a good throw, that was a great throw!"
OK, I take it back. Buy the ESPN radio app just to get the Redskins play-by-play each week. Totally worth it. That's all for today. Remember to follow/re-tweet/post to Facebook/join the wall of fame/+1/whatever else can be done social-media-wise. Thanks for reading!
Who shows up on a campus and has this series of thoughts: "Hmmm... looks nice... but how are the a capella groups? If I don't like the first two I join, will there be a third? A fourth? A fourteenth [looking at you, Princeton]? How will my college experience be complete without a sufficient amount of a capella music? Is it possible that I will want for a capella performances? If I want to form a new group, will the administration smile upon that, or will they be more likely to ask what is wrong with the first fourteen? Is there one to which I can bring my beatboxing talents [a kid actually asked something along these lines during the Amherst information session]?"
Is beatboxing even a thing people really do???? The Optimist was always under the impression that it was something he and his friend, identified here as his rapper codename Applesauce da Boss, did when they were bored and wanted to remind themselves why they were virgins. Even if it is a thing, is it a thing worth basing college choice off of? This must be what the kid's "What I want in a college" checklist looks like: 1. Nice campus; 2. Numerous a capella groups [beatboxing required]; 3. Appropriate venues for said a capella groups; 4. Good classes or something." Does anyone else find that weird? No?
Alright, so let's say you are a reasonable kid, perhaps one with no intention of joining, forming, or even tacitly facilitating the propagation of a capella groups. There remains a 1 in 1.4 probability (that would probably usually be written as 5 in 7, but whatever) that you will have a parent who asks a question on one of these college tour/information sessions that at the time seems the stupidest question in the world. Sometimes it is said that there are no stupid questions. That is 100% wrong, as anyone who has been on a college tour knows. The expression, perhaps, should be "If you are a fourth-grader, there is no such thing as a stupid question, but if you are a parent on a college visit, there is no such a thing as a good question."
Here are some samples:
1. Does Swarthmore have the blue light system? [No.] So when do the gates to campus close? [Never?] So do you feel safe at Swarthmore? [Yes.] Even without the blue light system? [etc.]
2. Does Amherst realize how much harder the IB program is for international students than AP? [Yes.] Because it's a frequent debate at our international school which is better, to get good grades in IB or great grades in AP, and I've had two kids go through Ivy League schools after doing IB, and they are clearly better-prepared than most students, but it remains a debate at our school, so I just want to know whether there is.... [is this a question? No? Didn't think so.]
3. What GPA should you have to apply to Columbia? [REALLY?!? Stop. Stop it. Go home.]
4. If you apply to Columbia early and get rejected, will that affect your chances when you apply again at the normal deadline? [Yes, yes it will. It will affect them so badly that they, by rule, cease to exist, as was mentioned three times in the presentation. What is wrong with you?]
5. [Some question or other is asked and answered, then a mother raises her hand and says:] Well, I actually used to work here at Princeton, so I think I can expand on that. [No, no, just hold on. Maybe the admissions guy should sit down and you should run the meeting? Would that be good? Clearly, you're knowledgeable here. No, please. Really. Run this meeting. I would love it. Come on. Please?]
Also, if you went to whatever fine institution you have taken your child to visit, you do not need to whisper the names of the programs/buildings/events being described by the tour guides before they are mentioned by name. For instance, if the tour guide says, "Every year, thousands of people show up on campus wearing orange and black, tiger tails, just crazy school spirit," and he is about to tell you what the cause of this phenomenon is, you don't need to whisper "REUNIONS!" to your sons so that everyone can hear and then beam and look around like you just won "Jeopardy!" or something. Gosh.
Alright, finally, on a totally different note, I had a tremendous opportunity to listen to the Redskins radio station on the ESPN Radio App (not worth it, if you are thinking of dropping the two bucks) while driving from Providence to Boston, and I realized that the Redskins radio team (Larry Michael, Sam Huff, and Sonny Jurgensen in the booth, and Rick "Doc" Walker patrolling the sidelines, for those keeping score at home) are the single best announcing crew in the world. Here are a few things heard during the Redskins-Eagles broadcast Sunday:
Michael: "And it looks like Vick is down and is going to need to be helped off the field."
Jurgensen: "Great! That's how we should be hitting!"
Jurgensen: "What's the score? I can't quite read it."
Huff: "Uhh... 20-6."
Jurgensen: "Boy, 20-6. The 'Skins really need a stop here."
[Much to everyone in the booth's immense glee, Redskins starting QB Rex Grossman, who has thrown four interceptions, is replaced by backup QB John Beck.]
Michael: "And that pass from Beck is broken up, bringing fourth down."
Jurgensen: "Really good throw from Beck."
Huff: "Let me tell you, that was not just a good throw, that was a great throw!"
OK, I take it back. Buy the ESPN radio app just to get the Redskins play-by-play each week. Totally worth it. That's all for today. Remember to follow/re-tweet/post to Facebook/join the wall of fame/+1/whatever else can be done social-media-wise. Thanks for reading!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Style Watch: Underwear Edition
It's been a while since the last installation of Style Watch. So long, in fact, that The Optimist is worried his readers might be wandering around out there naked, for fear that they will choose the wrong article of clothing without The Optimist's timely fashion advice. This may surprise you, but The Optimist discourages this policy. If you are in doubt, just wear pajamas. Those never go out of style. Save the nudity for your bathroom, bedroom, and dining room. Wait, what?
Anyhow, speaking of naked bodies, The Optimist is rolling Style Watch back out to help you dress yours (your naked body, that is). Think of yourself as a fatter, less fit Barbie doll (or if you're a male, Ken-- Hasbro can make both genders feel equally bad about their physique!) and of The Optimist as a six-year-old girl fitting you into your small, pink, synthetic panties or your blue and yellow striped briefs. Hold on... disregard that analogy. Point is, get ready for Style Watch... Underwear Edition!!!
The first thing you will want to make sure of with your underwear is that it actually serve its purpose.
For females, this means that your bra should actually fit your chest. If you just asked yourself whether that statement was directed at you, it was. Additionally, if you just ignored that sentence because you are a female who does not wear a bra, we have bigger problems. If you just ignored that sentence because you think you are a special exception to the wear-a-bra-at-all-non-showering-sleeping-or-swimming-times rule, you are once again wrong. The Optimist can do this all day, so just wear a bra and we can all move on. Which brings us to the reminder that your underwear should cover up something. If half of your posterior is showing below the stylized belt that you refer to as a "skirt," your underwear is not doing its job.
For males, this means that any portion of anything that could be classified as your "tush" is safely under the protective shield of your underpants. The Optimist hopes that is the only male private region whose obscuring even needs to be mentioned. If not, you are beyond saving anyway.
Now, you surely want to make sure that your underwear is fashionable. You can take this in two directions: the understated, classic look; or, the bold underwear fashionista look.
Let's handle the first option first.
The classic female look would include, but not be limited to, a bra (with straps) and underpants, or panties, as they are apparently referred to on occasion by people who are not The Optimist. The bra should look as little like a bikini top as possible. It also should not be a weird color, like puce, whatever that is. The underpants ("panties".... nope, can't do it) should fit nice and tight between your skin and your pantaloons. Nothing tricky about it. The Optimist recommends those stripey ones, if you're keeping score at home.
The classic male look, meanwhile, should go either boxers or briefs (not quite going all in on the tighty-whiteys) showing just the slightest bit over the top of your pants. If you have to err one way, err towards not showing any underpant. No one wants to see three fourths of your weird cartoon-patterned boxers that are not nearly loose enough to disguise the shape of your behind. Spare us all. There is the option to wear tighty-whiteys if you go with the classic look, but whatever harm they fail to do to your fashion they will make up for in constricting movement. Just a heads up.
Now, let's take the "underwear fashionista" approach.
Females can go with this new kind of bra-thing called a "bandeau" that is actually more of a belt worn around the upper chest region. The Optimist discourages it, but it is the kind of bold "I don't wear boring old bras like those other chicks" underwear statement that you may be trying to make. All other variants of bras could be considered rebellious, but The Optimist would caution you against trying anything too weird and/or scandalous. If you are trying to be a trendsetter in the other underwear region, do something weird, like wear really bright underwear and sag a little bit, rather than wear a thong. Thongs send a really bad message about the wearer. Trust The Optimist on this one.
Male underwear rebels should go with the tried-and-true "buy boxers with a funny and/or inappropriate pattern on them and sag them really obviously approach." Boxer patterns that The Optimist recommends are anything with cartoon animals, anything with recognizable characters from the Fox Sunday Night cartoon line-up, and funny quotations or one-liners. Boxer patterns he discourages are those with swear words or any other sort of profanity on them, for the same reason as thongs. No girl looks at your inappropriate boxers and goes "Ooooh, seductive." Also, to show off your boxers, use the "pulling too much boxer up out of the pants" approach rather than the "pulling too much pants down from over the boxers." That is, reverse sag rather than sag-sag. Overdone sagging is just overkill.
That concludes this edition of Style Watch. The Optimist would like to take this opportunity to announce a new contest/event: He will now welcome, through the end of the month, any submissions to be printed in this space. You may choose to write about anything in the world, and, as long as it is appropriate, The Optimist will print it. The only catch is that The Optimist reserves the right to introduce it and respond to it however he chooses. He also reminds you to follow, repost, bookmark, forward, +1, "like," and, of course, attempt to join the Wall of Fame. Thanks for reading, and keep that underwear fashionable.
Anyhow, speaking of naked bodies, The Optimist is rolling Style Watch back out to help you dress yours (your naked body, that is). Think of yourself as a fatter, less fit Barbie doll (or if you're a male, Ken-- Hasbro can make both genders feel equally bad about their physique!) and of The Optimist as a six-year-old girl fitting you into your small, pink, synthetic panties or your blue and yellow striped briefs. Hold on... disregard that analogy. Point is, get ready for Style Watch... Underwear Edition!!!
The first thing you will want to make sure of with your underwear is that it actually serve its purpose.
For females, this means that your bra should actually fit your chest. If you just asked yourself whether that statement was directed at you, it was. Additionally, if you just ignored that sentence because you are a female who does not wear a bra, we have bigger problems. If you just ignored that sentence because you think you are a special exception to the wear-a-bra-at-all-non-showering-sleeping-or-swimming-times rule, you are once again wrong. The Optimist can do this all day, so just wear a bra and we can all move on. Which brings us to the reminder that your underwear should cover up something. If half of your posterior is showing below the stylized belt that you refer to as a "skirt," your underwear is not doing its job.
For males, this means that any portion of anything that could be classified as your "tush" is safely under the protective shield of your underpants. The Optimist hopes that is the only male private region whose obscuring even needs to be mentioned. If not, you are beyond saving anyway.
Now, you surely want to make sure that your underwear is fashionable. You can take this in two directions: the understated, classic look; or, the bold underwear fashionista look.
Let's handle the first option first.
The classic female look would include, but not be limited to, a bra (with straps) and underpants, or panties, as they are apparently referred to on occasion by people who are not The Optimist. The bra should look as little like a bikini top as possible. It also should not be a weird color, like puce, whatever that is. The underpants ("panties".... nope, can't do it) should fit nice and tight between your skin and your pantaloons. Nothing tricky about it. The Optimist recommends those stripey ones, if you're keeping score at home.
The classic male look, meanwhile, should go either boxers or briefs (not quite going all in on the tighty-whiteys) showing just the slightest bit over the top of your pants. If you have to err one way, err towards not showing any underpant. No one wants to see three fourths of your weird cartoon-patterned boxers that are not nearly loose enough to disguise the shape of your behind. Spare us all. There is the option to wear tighty-whiteys if you go with the classic look, but whatever harm they fail to do to your fashion they will make up for in constricting movement. Just a heads up.
Now, let's take the "underwear fashionista" approach.
Females can go with this new kind of bra-thing called a "bandeau" that is actually more of a belt worn around the upper chest region. The Optimist discourages it, but it is the kind of bold "I don't wear boring old bras like those other chicks" underwear statement that you may be trying to make. All other variants of bras could be considered rebellious, but The Optimist would caution you against trying anything too weird and/or scandalous. If you are trying to be a trendsetter in the other underwear region, do something weird, like wear really bright underwear and sag a little bit, rather than wear a thong. Thongs send a really bad message about the wearer. Trust The Optimist on this one.
Male underwear rebels should go with the tried-and-true "buy boxers with a funny and/or inappropriate pattern on them and sag them really obviously approach." Boxer patterns that The Optimist recommends are anything with cartoon animals, anything with recognizable characters from the Fox Sunday Night cartoon line-up, and funny quotations or one-liners. Boxer patterns he discourages are those with swear words or any other sort of profanity on them, for the same reason as thongs. No girl looks at your inappropriate boxers and goes "Ooooh, seductive." Also, to show off your boxers, use the "pulling too much boxer up out of the pants" approach rather than the "pulling too much pants down from over the boxers." That is, reverse sag rather than sag-sag. Overdone sagging is just overkill.
That concludes this edition of Style Watch. The Optimist would like to take this opportunity to announce a new contest/event: He will now welcome, through the end of the month, any submissions to be printed in this space. You may choose to write about anything in the world, and, as long as it is appropriate, The Optimist will print it. The only catch is that The Optimist reserves the right to introduce it and respond to it however he chooses. He also reminds you to follow, repost, bookmark, forward, +1, "like," and, of course, attempt to join the Wall of Fame. Thanks for reading, and keep that underwear fashionable.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Hockey Preview or Something
The Optimist is fairly sure that the NHL season either just started or will be starting soon, so he is proud to present a special edition of The Optimist, "Hockey Preview or Something," in which he will preview the hockey season, or something. This will sort of follow the mold of the MLB, NFL, and NCAA Football previews, except that the analysis will be even more incisive. Let's get started.
Seeing as hockey is played mostly in Canada, The Optimist's American readers may require a brief explanation of the rules. He therefore presents part one of the Hockey Preview:
The Rules of Hockey
Alright, here are the basics. Big white guys with Slavic and/or Scandinavian names with missing teeth ice skate while holding sticks known as "sticks." They bat at a round black thing known as a "puck." Sometimes you can even see where the puck is when you watch on TV! Once in a while, one of the big white guys-- let's say his name is "Zhmagrov" will hit the puck into a net. This is called a "goal." Interestingly, many of the teams are much more interested in punching each other's faces off than scoring goals. This is called "the fun part of hockey." While this is a vast oversight by the rules commission, as things currently stand, no points are awarded for breaking opponent's noses. The winning team is the one with more goals.
Next, The Optimist would like to introduce the fun cast of characters you will meet on your hockey-watching odyssey in the upcoming season! Presenting part two of the Hockey Preview:
Dudes Who Play Hockey
Sidney Crosby:
Sidney Crosby is hockey's golden boy. He is basically Tom Brady if Tom Brady were from Canada and played a sport no one cared about. Last year he set a record in "doing absolutely nothing and still being featured in sports media" while sitting out the whole season with a concussion.
Alexander Ovechkin:
Seeing as hockey is played mostly in Canada, The Optimist's American readers may require a brief explanation of the rules. He therefore presents part one of the Hockey Preview:
The Rules of Hockey
Alright, here are the basics. Big white guys with Slavic and/or Scandinavian names with missing teeth ice skate while holding sticks known as "sticks." They bat at a round black thing known as a "puck." Sometimes you can even see where the puck is when you watch on TV! Once in a while, one of the big white guys-- let's say his name is "Zhmagrov" will hit the puck into a net. This is called a "goal." Interestingly, many of the teams are much more interested in punching each other's faces off than scoring goals. This is called "the fun part of hockey." While this is a vast oversight by the rules commission, as things currently stand, no points are awarded for breaking opponent's noses. The winning team is the one with more goals.
Next, The Optimist would like to introduce the fun cast of characters you will meet on your hockey-watching odyssey in the upcoming season! Presenting part two of the Hockey Preview:
Dudes Who Play Hockey
Sidney Crosby:
 |
| Sidney Crosby, face of the NHL |
 |
| Alexander Ovechkin. Or the stoner from across the street. Definitely one or the other. |
Alexander Ovechkin would be the face of hockey if he had a better face. He is pretty good at scoring goals, The Optimist suspects. Sometimes he might even pass the puck to other people to help them score goals, too. The Optimist knows literally too little about Ovechkin to even make another joke. Next?
Every other hockey player:
 |
| Just another one of the colorful characters who bring the hockey world alive. |
Alright, that exhausts the list of hockey players The Optimist really knows anything about. If you are ever in a torture chamber, prison cell, Edmonton, or any other horrible place where you might be forced to watch hockey, it's a pretty good bet that the players' names will be on the back of their jerseys, anyways.
"Well, that's all well and good," you are thinking. But how do I know which team to root for? Easy. The Optimist is slightly embarrassed yet slightly proud to admit this, but despite not caring even the teensiest bit about hockey, he can name all of the teams. So he will list them (without any help from Wikipedia, he wants you to know) and then tell you a bit about them. Presenting part three of the Hockey Preview:
Groups of Dudes Who Play Hockey
The "Why in the world does this warm-weather city have a hockey team?" Division
San Jose Sharks: The Sharks seem to win quite a bit, but none of the winning negates the fact that the average winter's day in San Jose is about 65 degrees. Also, in reality, sharks are probably quite scared of ice.
Los Angeles Kings: Here are some things people in LA do instead of going to Kings games: Go watch either of their two NBA franchises; Play outdoor basketball in the winter; Play Scrabble at home against the computer.
Phoenix Coyotes: Phoenix having a hockey team is the single stupidest thing to happen to the sport of hockey since the creation of the sport. (Interpret that sentence as you wish to.)
Dallas Stars: It's getting hard to make jokes about stupid locations for hockey teams, and The Optimist knows nothing about the Dallas Stars, besides that Dallas is a stupid location for a hockey team. Move right along.
Florida Panthers: The Panthers compete with the Coyotes each year for the "NHL city with the smallest chance of ever having an outdoor environment suitable for hockey" championship. Advantage Coyotes, but it's always a close battle.
Tampa Bay Lightning: At some point, someone rich said "I don't think we have enough hockey teams in Florida. Let's add another," which among other things, just makes you wonder how they got rich. Anyway, the result was the Lightning.
The "Who knew there were enough people in this city for a major sports team?" Division
Nashville Predators: "Yeah!!! Nashville Predators!!! Wooooo!!!" is the faithful cry of Nashville resident Elvis Parker, the Predators' resident fan. Parker's wife accompanies him to the stadium to give the team a real boost for particularly big games.
Anaheim Ducks: Fun fact-- Disney started this team after releasing the acclaimed-by-no-one film "The Mighty Ducks" to seize on the fan potential created by the film's audience of seven-year-old boys with no actual interest in hockey. Man, this is getting depressing.
Columbus Blue Jackets: Why does Columbus have a team, and why in the world are they called "Blue Jackets"? At least Columbus is the capital of Ohio. Right? Anyone?
Winnipeg Jets: The new, relocated version of the Atlanta Thrashers! The Optimist's take is that while Winnipeg may be Winnipeg, any hockey team in Canada is better than any hockey team in the US.
Edmonton Oilers: Would anyone in the United States know Edmonton existed if they didn't have a hockey team? Does anyone know they exist even though they have a hockey team?
The "Regrettably bad nicknames" Division
Ottawa Senators: In and of itself, "Senators" is not bad. Rather, it is offensive mostly because of the...
Washington Capitals: The "Capitals" are pulling the same trick! We get it! One's the capital of the US, and the other is the capital of Canada. Do they both need government-themed nicknames? No. They don't.
St. Louis Blues: The same guy who started the New Orleans/Utah Jazz must have started the "Blues." What fan gets excited rooting for a team that represents a kind of music? Especially a sad, slow kind of music. Come on, St. Louis.
Buffalo Sabres: The "Sabres" logo is a buffalo, but because all the other Buffalo teams were called "Bison" or "Buffaloes" or "Bills," they went with "Sabres." Do you know what a sabre is? It's a sword. A sword. What??
The "Teams you may once have heard of when you accidentally flipped on SportsCenter during a hockey highlight" Division
Colorado Avalanche: Now here's a real hockey team! Cold-weather city with a large population and a nickname like the avalanche? Every new team should just follow the Avalanche model and we'll be alright.
Minnesota Wild: The Optimist thinks he read somewhere that the Wild are one of the most popular United States-based NHL teams, and it sounds credible. After all, if you lived in Minneapolis, would you rather pretend you watched hockey or subject yourself to a Twins, Vikings, or T-Wolves game?
Vancouver Canucks: The Canucks were in the news a lot last year after they apparently choked in the NHL finals (known to insiders like The Optimist as the "Stanley Cup"), causing the entire city of Vancouver to burn itself down. Canadians and their hockey. What are you going to do with them?
Calgary Flames: The Optimist isn't 100% sure where or what Calgary is, but he is fairly sure it is large enough to avoid the preposterously small cities division and land here. But why would a hockey team be a flame? Wouldn't that melt the ice? Food for thought.
Carolina Hurricanes: The Hurricanes lay a serious claim for the crown of "America's second most popular Hurricanes team," in competition with the U of Miami basketball team. They have no shot at U of Miami football but, hey, this is a hockey team. You take what you can get.
New York Islanders: Here's a fun fact (courtesy of Wikipedia, to which The Optimist has succumbed): The Islanders play somewhere called Uniondale, NY! Wait, you're right. That's not fun at all. Just horribly sad. Oh well.
New Jersey Devils: The only cool thing that has ever happened to the Devils was having their mascot in this SportsCenter commercial. Oh, and Wikipedia says they won three NHL titles. But the ad is clearly better. Check it out.
Pittsburgh Penguins: The Penguins are the team of previously discussed golden boy Sidney Crosby. That is probably the only reason anyone cares about them, unless The Optimist is missing something.
Philadelphia Flyers: The question is: what do the Flyers fly? Are they airplane pilots? Perhaps hang gliders? That'd be cool. Or maybe they are generic birds? Wait, what if they were bats? Yeah. That's good. Bats.
The "Completely legitimate hockey teams aka the Original Six" Division
New York Rangers: Not to be confused with baseball's Texas Rangers, the New York Rangers are actually a hockey team from New York! That's about all The Optimist has for this one. Keep on going.
Boston Bruins: The Bruins are last year's NHL champions, thanks in part to the contributions of goalie Tim Thomas and defenseman Zdeno Chara. The Optimist has been watching way too much SportsCenter. Damn it.
Detroit Red Wings: Touted essentially as the Dallas Cowboys of hockey, the Red Wings are the sport's token "great, historic team from a random large city." Also, their fans throw octopuses on the ice sometimes for reasons unclear.
Chicago Blackhawks: When The Optimist was young and lived in the Chicago area, he would read Blackhawks box scores in the morning with no idea what they meant. So young. So innocent. He knows better now.
Montreal Canadiens: The Canadiens give the Houston Texans and Philadelphia Phillies a run for the "least creative sports team name" title. At least it shows off Montreal's French-Canadian heritage, right?
Toronto Maple Leafs: Ah, another great hockey nickname. The "Maple Leafs" have a permissible nickname only because the flag of Canada features a maple leaf, just another reminder of how weird Canada is.
And if you've managed to read all 30 of those, you are lucky enough to get one more portion of the Hockey Preview. Given that it is a "preview," The Optimist thought he should make some projections, so he presents part four of the Hockey Preview:
Projections About Hockey
Championship Series: Buffalo Sabres over Minnesota Wild. Because The Optimist likes those teams.
Team Most Likely To Get Relocated Next: The Phoenix Coyotes, who become the Saskatchewan Oilers.
Most Famous Hockey Player in Ten Years: Still Wayne Gretzky.
Number of Games Sidney Crosby Will Miss With a Concussion: However many games there are in a hockey season minus one.
How Much Hockey The Optimist Will Watch This Year: Seven games if the Sabres meet the Wild in the Stanley Cup finals; zero games otherwise.
Thanks for reading The Optimist's special presentation of his "Hockey Preview or Something"! A reminder to his legions of fans that there is no better time than now to join the Wall of Fame, which is now admitting new members for a bargain price of only three new followers through the end of the month! Join now to take advantage of this exciting offer! Thanks again for reading, and good night.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The Optimist Presents: A Jam-Packed Summer Movie Review Bonanza
After months of hard labor (read: sitting in dark movie theaters at 2 pm wondering what having friends is like), The Optimist has compiled a fairly comprehensive collection of film reviews from this summer's releases. Instead of forcing you to read long, three paragraph reviews, though, he has compiled summaries of all of them, broken down into four handy tiers below. (To just see the reviews directly, click here, or click the title of each movie listed below.) Enjoy, and let it be noted that while this is an unusually long post, The Optimist promises that it is some of his best work, unlike that crap yesterday. Try to bear with him until the end. You'll get your money's worth, really.
(Note: The definition of "summer" may be stretched a bit by the release dates of some of the films below, but you get the point. Who's in charge here, anyway?)
Tier One: "I'm surprised to say it, but I actually kind of enjoyed that!"
Midnight in Paris: Woody Allen is back! Granted, he's about 90 years old and this renaissance period of his life may not last too much longer, but... he's back! "Midnight in Paris," which seems to be an Oscar contender (frontrunner?) is reminiscent of some of Allen's best work, with the inevitable comparison given the whole "homage to a city" take being "Manhattan." This should be one of the most accessible awards movies of the year for mainstream audiences and is a guaranteed hit among just about everyone. Go see it.
Crazy, Stupid, Love: An often hilarious, surprisingly poignant take on love and relationships, "Crazy, Stupid, Love" is a big winner thanks to the fantastic comedic performances led by, of all people, Ryan Gosling. It appears that the proven young dramatic actor ("Half Nelson," "Blue Valentine," "Drive") is also a shining comedy talent. Who knew? Also good is the post-"Office" Steve Carrell, plus Julianne Moore and the ghost of Kevin Bacon. Check it out if you think you can handle a little schmaltz here and there.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes: ROTPOTA, as absolutely no one calls it, was one of two horrendous-sounding ideas (along with "Friends of Benefits," see below) that The Optimist just had a gut feeling would turn out to be good. As usual (read: always), The Optimist was dead-on, as ROTPOTA (the acronym will catch on, just wait) couples scenes of pure action with some interesting moral questions, making it one of the more intelligent films of the summer. Also, "Caesar. IS. Home." has to have been the most badass line of the summer, hands down (you'll understand when you see it.) Bonus points: the slightly unfulfilling ending sets up beautifully for a sequel.
Friends with Benefits: This high ranking may seem to be a big fat joke, as the legions of loyal readers out there know that this concept (essentially a remake of "No Strings Attached") has been mocked by The Optimist several times in the past (most notably here), but in the weeks before the release The Optimist suspected it might be good (don't believe it? Ask his father, if you can stomach the notion of talking to a Subaru owner), and it was. Justin Timberlake is not bad, Mila Kunis is good (and hot), Richard Jenkins is superb, and, well, "Friends With Benefits" is just very funny, quite sweet, and semi-genre-defying. It is, in all, a near-perfect meaningless summer movie.
The Trip: Slow, dialogue-based British comedies are not for everyone, granted, but those who can handle that sort of thing will be rewarded by "The Trip," which has a few hilarious scenes unmatched by anything else this summer and is consistently humorous throughout. Director Michael Winterbottom has enough of a grasp on the material to even allow the serious bits to carry some legitimate meaning. The only complaint would be that the film is rather long and drags a bit in points (some of the jokes are repeated a smidge too often), but overall "The Trip" is a unique and impressive piece of comedic filmmaking.
Tier Two: "That wasn't nearly as big of a waste of money as I was expecting!"
The Hangover Part II: An appropriate tagline for the sequel to "The Hangover" would have been "Less laffs, more balls!" Or at least that's The Optimist's opinion. He's open to others (leave a comment below). Point is, "The Hangover II" is what would happen if the writers of the original "Hangover" took hard drugs before writing the script. Hold on. Took more hard drugs before writing the script. There is lots more nudity, shouted obscenities, and illicit substance abuse here than in the first one. Still, it's quite funny, even in Turkey. That said, since the higher-ups at Warner Bros. Pictures frequently peruse this site for advice, it should be noted that no one is holding their breath for another sequel. Please, spare us while the jokes are still good. Thank you.
Horrible Bosses: "Horrible Bosses" was either a tremendous disappointment (for not matching the greatness of the other ensemble comedy of the summer, "Crazy, Stupid, Love") or a pleasant surprise (for not being offensively bad despite having the world's worst title and a risky and fairly idiotic premise), depending on how you choose to look at it. Unless, of course, you are The Optimist, in which case it was a slight letdown but fairly satisfying anyway. See "Horrible Bosses" not to have a life-changing experience but to laugh at Jason Day proving he is capable of much bigger things than the overrated basic cable comedy "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Just don't go in with too high of hopes.
Fast Five: If you are 16 or older, you probably think you know how to drive a car. Well, you don't. Vin mothaf**kin' Diesel knows how to drive a car. And it sounds a little something like this: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! That's all you need to know. If you have lost the ability to follow basic plotlines and are looking for great mindless entertainment, you cannot go wrong with "Fast Five."
Super 8: If you see Steven Spielberg's name on a project these days (in this case, he's the producer), you know it ain't going to be subtle work. "Super 8" cuts straight to the point-- a town begins to be terrorized after a mysterious military train crash, and it is up to a boy (and his father!) to unravel the mystery before time runs out. Wow. That was an inspirational synopsis. If the whole "legitimate career" thing falls through, The Optimist should try being an advertising executive. Anyhow, "Super 8" has an egregiously awfully terribly putrid ending, but other than that it is good popcorn fare. It's really a theater movie, though, so you may have missed your window.
The Guard: The only thing that keeps the critically acclaimed Irish comedy "The Guard" from slipping down into Tier Three territory (see below) is the dynamite performance of Brendan Gleeson ("In Bruges"). Other than that, "The Guard" is quite a disappointment, wasting the always-excellent Don Cheadle and feeling five hours long at times. There's an interesting idea at the heart of "The Guard," and some of that comes through by the film's end, it just seems unfortunate that there wasn't too much fun to be had along the way.
Tier Three: "Well, that was probably better than just sitting at home with the air conditioning on... right?"
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two: To all you Harry Potter fanboys out there, calm down. No, wait, what does The Optimist care? Let it be said: Harry Potter sucks. The movie was boring as hell, the actors are garbage (unless you count Emma Watson being incredibly luscious), and JK Rowling is about as tactful in her fiction writing as that dude who wrote "It was a dark and stormy night." Yeah. What are you going to do? The Optimist can take you (in a war of words, that is; don't touch him physically, he's a delicate little flower). Do your worst in the comments section (available below, in case you missed the first seven times that was stated) and we'll see who comes out on top.
The Debt: "The Debt" is what you get when you mix bad Israeli accents, old people having fight scenes, choppy direction, and three teaspoons of baking soda. No, wait, wrong recipe. (You like that? Just a little joke for those who stuck around for the end. Enjoy it.) This wannabe Helen Mirren vehicle that struggled to get her into enough scenes to be a "Helen Mirren vehicle" was reasonably entertaining, but disappointingly executed from an artistic point of view, a bummer given the way the film was marketed. It won't hurt you to see "The Debt," but you probably won't be particularly happy to have done so, either.
Our Idiot Brother: Paul Rudd finds himself the leading role that he deserves in "Our Idiot Brother," and then finds shortly thereafter that it is not much of a leading role. Somehow, a whole gang of talented semi-stars were cast here (Zooey Deschanel, Rashida Jones, Elizabeth Banks, and "The Trip"'s Steve Coogan), but there just isn't quite enough material to work with. Keep an open mind until the end, though, because the last scene has some great lines. Other than that, The Optimist can't really recommend in good faith that you see "Our Idiot Brother" if you have anything else worth doing instead.
Tier Four: "Wow. Let's just rent 'Ghost Rider' next time."
Captain America: To quote the great film critic The Movie Optimist, "[Captain America] is one of those unfortunate movies that fails considerably despite the best intentions of everyone involved." That is to say, you will probably wish that you were enjoying "Captain America," but the only way such an unlikelihood could occur would be if you saw it with these guys.There are a few positive takeaways, though, those being 1) that Chris Evans may be a budding Hollywood star, 2) that the superhero ensemble movie "The Avengers" still has great potential, and 3) well, alright, there are probably only two positive takeaways. "Captain America" was pretty bad.
The Tree of Life: [This is the only Movie Optimist review that The Optimist strongly suspects you all will enjoy. Click the title to the left to check it out.] Perhaps you have thought to yourself at one time or another, "How can I have the least possible fun today, and waste some money while I'm at it?" The Optimist doesn't completely recall, but he assumes that must have been what he was thinking before he paid for a ticket to see "The Tree of Life," which can only be described as a crime against humanity with pretty good cinematography. Even if it wins Best Picture this year, which there is a small chance of, don't fall into the trap. Avoid seeing "The Tree of Life" at all costs. All costs. You've been warned.
Beginners: Hands down the single biggest disappointment from the indie movie scene thus far this year, "Beginners" is (to again quote the great Movie Optimist) a "wondrously pretentious" film that explores life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. You will probably wish it explored none of those things and focused more on the quirky little joke of putting speech captions under the cute Jack Russell terrier that the protagonist owns, because the so-called exploration of these deep themes can be summed up with the statement "Life sucks, but it is also beautiful... By the way, can we just have our Academy Awards now? We are short on time." See it if you like great Christopher Plummer performances and/or intense boredom, otherwise skip it.
Well, that brings us to the end of the Summer Movie Review. A bit long, The Optimist will admit, but worth every penny of time that you spent reading it. A quick reminder that it has never been easier to get on the Wall of Fame-- for a limited time only, prospective Wall of Famers must sign up only three (3) new followers in order to gain admittance to this prestigious collection of treasured souls. Get busy on that. A final reminder that The Optimist no longer has Facebook and therefore cannot see your Facebook comments, so he instead encourages you to share compliments, comments, questions, compliments, feedback, and compliments in the "comments" section below. Thanks for reading, and (in case The Optimist is on a slight hiatus until Sunday night finishing up his college applications), have a great weekend!
(Note: The definition of "summer" may be stretched a bit by the release dates of some of the films below, but you get the point. Who's in charge here, anyway?)
Tier One: "I'm surprised to say it, but I actually kind of enjoyed that!"
Midnight in Paris: Woody Allen is back! Granted, he's about 90 years old and this renaissance period of his life may not last too much longer, but... he's back! "Midnight in Paris," which seems to be an Oscar contender (frontrunner?) is reminiscent of some of Allen's best work, with the inevitable comparison given the whole "homage to a city" take being "Manhattan." This should be one of the most accessible awards movies of the year for mainstream audiences and is a guaranteed hit among just about everyone. Go see it.
Crazy, Stupid, Love: An often hilarious, surprisingly poignant take on love and relationships, "Crazy, Stupid, Love" is a big winner thanks to the fantastic comedic performances led by, of all people, Ryan Gosling. It appears that the proven young dramatic actor ("Half Nelson," "Blue Valentine," "Drive") is also a shining comedy talent. Who knew? Also good is the post-"Office" Steve Carrell, plus Julianne Moore and the ghost of Kevin Bacon. Check it out if you think you can handle a little schmaltz here and there.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes: ROTPOTA, as absolutely no one calls it, was one of two horrendous-sounding ideas (along with "Friends of Benefits," see below) that The Optimist just had a gut feeling would turn out to be good. As usual (read: always), The Optimist was dead-on, as ROTPOTA (the acronym will catch on, just wait) couples scenes of pure action with some interesting moral questions, making it one of the more intelligent films of the summer. Also, "Caesar. IS. Home." has to have been the most badass line of the summer, hands down (you'll understand when you see it.) Bonus points: the slightly unfulfilling ending sets up beautifully for a sequel.
Friends with Benefits: This high ranking may seem to be a big fat joke, as the legions of loyal readers out there know that this concept (essentially a remake of "No Strings Attached") has been mocked by The Optimist several times in the past (most notably here), but in the weeks before the release The Optimist suspected it might be good (don't believe it? Ask his father, if you can stomach the notion of talking to a Subaru owner), and it was. Justin Timberlake is not bad, Mila Kunis is good (and hot), Richard Jenkins is superb, and, well, "Friends With Benefits" is just very funny, quite sweet, and semi-genre-defying. It is, in all, a near-perfect meaningless summer movie.
The Trip: Slow, dialogue-based British comedies are not for everyone, granted, but those who can handle that sort of thing will be rewarded by "The Trip," which has a few hilarious scenes unmatched by anything else this summer and is consistently humorous throughout. Director Michael Winterbottom has enough of a grasp on the material to even allow the serious bits to carry some legitimate meaning. The only complaint would be that the film is rather long and drags a bit in points (some of the jokes are repeated a smidge too often), but overall "The Trip" is a unique and impressive piece of comedic filmmaking.
Tier Two: "That wasn't nearly as big of a waste of money as I was expecting!"
The Hangover Part II: An appropriate tagline for the sequel to "The Hangover" would have been "Less laffs, more balls!" Or at least that's The Optimist's opinion. He's open to others (leave a comment below). Point is, "The Hangover II" is what would happen if the writers of the original "Hangover" took hard drugs before writing the script. Hold on. Took more hard drugs before writing the script. There is lots more nudity, shouted obscenities, and illicit substance abuse here than in the first one. Still, it's quite funny, even in Turkey. That said, since the higher-ups at Warner Bros. Pictures frequently peruse this site for advice, it should be noted that no one is holding their breath for another sequel. Please, spare us while the jokes are still good. Thank you.
Horrible Bosses: "Horrible Bosses" was either a tremendous disappointment (for not matching the greatness of the other ensemble comedy of the summer, "Crazy, Stupid, Love") or a pleasant surprise (for not being offensively bad despite having the world's worst title and a risky and fairly idiotic premise), depending on how you choose to look at it. Unless, of course, you are The Optimist, in which case it was a slight letdown but fairly satisfying anyway. See "Horrible Bosses" not to have a life-changing experience but to laugh at Jason Day proving he is capable of much bigger things than the overrated basic cable comedy "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Just don't go in with too high of hopes.
Fast Five: If you are 16 or older, you probably think you know how to drive a car. Well, you don't. Vin mothaf**kin' Diesel knows how to drive a car. And it sounds a little something like this: ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! That's all you need to know. If you have lost the ability to follow basic plotlines and are looking for great mindless entertainment, you cannot go wrong with "Fast Five."
Super 8: If you see Steven Spielberg's name on a project these days (in this case, he's the producer), you know it ain't going to be subtle work. "Super 8" cuts straight to the point-- a town begins to be terrorized after a mysterious military train crash, and it is up to a boy (and his father!) to unravel the mystery before time runs out. Wow. That was an inspirational synopsis. If the whole "legitimate career" thing falls through, The Optimist should try being an advertising executive. Anyhow, "Super 8" has an egregiously awfully terribly putrid ending, but other than that it is good popcorn fare. It's really a theater movie, though, so you may have missed your window.
The Guard: The only thing that keeps the critically acclaimed Irish comedy "The Guard" from slipping down into Tier Three territory (see below) is the dynamite performance of Brendan Gleeson ("In Bruges"). Other than that, "The Guard" is quite a disappointment, wasting the always-excellent Don Cheadle and feeling five hours long at times. There's an interesting idea at the heart of "The Guard," and some of that comes through by the film's end, it just seems unfortunate that there wasn't too much fun to be had along the way.
Tier Three: "Well, that was probably better than just sitting at home with the air conditioning on... right?"
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two: To all you Harry Potter fanboys out there, calm down. No, wait, what does The Optimist care? Let it be said: Harry Potter sucks. The movie was boring as hell, the actors are garbage (unless you count Emma Watson being incredibly luscious), and JK Rowling is about as tactful in her fiction writing as that dude who wrote "It was a dark and stormy night." Yeah. What are you going to do? The Optimist can take you (in a war of words, that is; don't touch him physically, he's a delicate little flower). Do your worst in the comments section (available below, in case you missed the first seven times that was stated) and we'll see who comes out on top.
The Debt: "The Debt" is what you get when you mix bad Israeli accents, old people having fight scenes, choppy direction, and three teaspoons of baking soda. No, wait, wrong recipe. (You like that? Just a little joke for those who stuck around for the end. Enjoy it.) This wannabe Helen Mirren vehicle that struggled to get her into enough scenes to be a "Helen Mirren vehicle" was reasonably entertaining, but disappointingly executed from an artistic point of view, a bummer given the way the film was marketed. It won't hurt you to see "The Debt," but you probably won't be particularly happy to have done so, either.
Our Idiot Brother: Paul Rudd finds himself the leading role that he deserves in "Our Idiot Brother," and then finds shortly thereafter that it is not much of a leading role. Somehow, a whole gang of talented semi-stars were cast here (Zooey Deschanel, Rashida Jones, Elizabeth Banks, and "The Trip"'s Steve Coogan), but there just isn't quite enough material to work with. Keep an open mind until the end, though, because the last scene has some great lines. Other than that, The Optimist can't really recommend in good faith that you see "Our Idiot Brother" if you have anything else worth doing instead.
Tier Four: "Wow. Let's just rent 'Ghost Rider' next time."
Captain America: To quote the great film critic The Movie Optimist, "[Captain America] is one of those unfortunate movies that fails considerably despite the best intentions of everyone involved." That is to say, you will probably wish that you were enjoying "Captain America," but the only way such an unlikelihood could occur would be if you saw it with these guys.There are a few positive takeaways, though, those being 1) that Chris Evans may be a budding Hollywood star, 2) that the superhero ensemble movie "The Avengers" still has great potential, and 3) well, alright, there are probably only two positive takeaways. "Captain America" was pretty bad.
The Tree of Life: [This is the only Movie Optimist review that The Optimist strongly suspects you all will enjoy. Click the title to the left to check it out.] Perhaps you have thought to yourself at one time or another, "How can I have the least possible fun today, and waste some money while I'm at it?" The Optimist doesn't completely recall, but he assumes that must have been what he was thinking before he paid for a ticket to see "The Tree of Life," which can only be described as a crime against humanity with pretty good cinematography. Even if it wins Best Picture this year, which there is a small chance of, don't fall into the trap. Avoid seeing "The Tree of Life" at all costs. All costs. You've been warned.
Beginners: Hands down the single biggest disappointment from the indie movie scene thus far this year, "Beginners" is (to again quote the great Movie Optimist) a "wondrously pretentious" film that explores life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. You will probably wish it explored none of those things and focused more on the quirky little joke of putting speech captions under the cute Jack Russell terrier that the protagonist owns, because the so-called exploration of these deep themes can be summed up with the statement "Life sucks, but it is also beautiful... By the way, can we just have our Academy Awards now? We are short on time." See it if you like great Christopher Plummer performances and/or intense boredom, otherwise skip it.
Well, that brings us to the end of the Summer Movie Review. A bit long, The Optimist will admit, but worth every penny of time that you spent reading it. A quick reminder that it has never been easier to get on the Wall of Fame-- for a limited time only, prospective Wall of Famers must sign up only three (3) new followers in order to gain admittance to this prestigious collection of treasured souls. Get busy on that. A final reminder that The Optimist no longer has Facebook and therefore cannot see your Facebook comments, so he instead encourages you to share compliments, comments, questions, compliments, feedback, and compliments in the "comments" section below. Thanks for reading, and (in case The Optimist is on a slight hiatus until Sunday night finishing up his college applications), have a great weekend!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Fresh Optimism
Plenty of optimism to kick around today, so let's just jump right in here with five pieces of entertainment news (using a loose definition of "news") that The Optimist is excited and/or upset about.
1. The Arrested Development movie... is happening. Hallelujah. After years of kicking it around, Mitch Hurwitz and the cast confirmed that the movie is a go, and (get ready for what seemed to be the best possible piece of news ever to get even better) a small batch of new episodes will be released in the buildup to the film to explain what the characters have been up to since it was cancelled. But, hold on a minute... Why in the world are IFC, Showtime, and Netflix the top bidders for the new episodes? Everyone should want a piece of this. Who cares that "Arrested Development" got barely any viewers during its three-year run? This is a ratings bonanza waiting to happen, if not for network television, then certainly at least for basic cable, not these weird HBO competitors. There is enough of a cult following hungry for new episodes (and a movie) that any channel in their right mind should be salivating over this. At least, The Optimist is.
2. The "new" Mumford and Sons song... also known as a single released about a year ago that the record company is now hyping up on the radio as record companies are prone to do, is laughable. It is called "Roll Away Your Stone" and sounds like the product of a freestyle session that the band did that went something like this: "OK, 'The Cave' and 'Little Lion Man' were hits, so why don't we just play and sing in a similar tone and make up whatever lyrics and tune we can think of as we go along? No worries if it sounds a little bit like exactly the same as your first two songs except crappier and melody-less, just do it." In other words, it's a surefire top 40 hit. Screw pop music.
3. "Up All Night"... has potential. More than the last few comedies NBC has attempted to introduce, at least. Not that the competition (the god-awful-no-matter-what-anyone-says "Community," the evidently-unwatchably-bad-after-two-minutes "Whitney," the semi-racist-and-laugh-free "Outsourced") is much, but there might be something here. Just by casting Will Arnett (speaking of which, "Arrested Development" movie!!! Woohooooo!!!), Christina Applegate, and Maya Rudolph, this show gave itself a fighting chance. The pilot episode was intriguing but not yet fully engrossing. The Optimist is at least willing to try the next couple of episodes and see what else the show can muster.
4. "The Rum Diary"... looks pretty damn great. Not that The Optimist is a big Johnny Depp fan; those "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies are like what would happen if a seven-year-old took LSD while watching the newer "Alice in Wonderland" and playing with pirate Legos. Wait, actually that "Alice in Wonderland" movie is what would happen if a seven-year-old took LSD while watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and playing with a stuffed rabbit. Wait, actually, that "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" movie was like what would happen if a seven-year-old took LSD... Alright, you get the picture. Johnny Depp movies are weird. And so is this one. But it is also awesome. And not that The Optimist is all too familiar with Hunter S. Thompson, but he knows enough about him to think that his writing could make a great movie if it was done well. A+ to this idea.
5. Anna Faris... seems to still be looking for her star-making vehicle after "What's Your Number" bombed (not much of a surprise there). Faris appears to have fallen into the Eddie Murphy quagmire of being a funny person stuck taking tremendously unfunny parts for reasons unbeknownst to mankind. Is it that no one has written a script suitable for Faris's particular humor yet? That seems unlikely. In fact, if you had to choose someone to substitute for Kristen Wiig in the fantastic woman-driven comedy from earlier this year, "Bridesmaids," Faris would have been at the top of the list. As things stand, she has starred in a number of the installations in the horrendous "Scary Movie" franchise, appeared in "Take Me Home Tonight" earlier this year (The Optimist's enjoyment was not widely shared), starred in the so-called comedy "The House Bunny," and had a delightful series of cameos in "Friends" a decade ago. Not exactly a resume to take to the Academy for a Lifetime Achievement Award. Point is, with all the talent Faris has, this ship is waiting to be righted, but it better happen soon or her career could slowly slip away.
In other news, "The Optimist" is almost ready to do a fairly large summer movie wrap-up; look for that tomorrow or Wednesday. ALSO, HE HAS SOME GREAT NEWS THAT IS SO IMPORTANT IT MUST BE ANNOUNCED IN ALL-CAPS. STARTING TODAY, AND ENDING AT THE END OF THE MONTH (NOVEMBER 1), YOU MUST ONLY OBTAIN THREE (3) NEW FOLLOWERS TO SECURE YOUR PLACE ON THE WALL OF FAME. As the late, great Billy Mays might have said, this offer won't last forever, so claim your spot now! The clock is ticking. Anyways, thanks for reading. Adieu.
1. The Arrested Development movie... is happening. Hallelujah. After years of kicking it around, Mitch Hurwitz and the cast confirmed that the movie is a go, and (get ready for what seemed to be the best possible piece of news ever to get even better) a small batch of new episodes will be released in the buildup to the film to explain what the characters have been up to since it was cancelled. But, hold on a minute... Why in the world are IFC, Showtime, and Netflix the top bidders for the new episodes? Everyone should want a piece of this. Who cares that "Arrested Development" got barely any viewers during its three-year run? This is a ratings bonanza waiting to happen, if not for network television, then certainly at least for basic cable, not these weird HBO competitors. There is enough of a cult following hungry for new episodes (and a movie) that any channel in their right mind should be salivating over this. At least, The Optimist is.
2. The "new" Mumford and Sons song... also known as a single released about a year ago that the record company is now hyping up on the radio as record companies are prone to do, is laughable. It is called "Roll Away Your Stone" and sounds like the product of a freestyle session that the band did that went something like this: "OK, 'The Cave' and 'Little Lion Man' were hits, so why don't we just play and sing in a similar tone and make up whatever lyrics and tune we can think of as we go along? No worries if it sounds a little bit like exactly the same as your first two songs except crappier and melody-less, just do it." In other words, it's a surefire top 40 hit. Screw pop music.
3. "Up All Night"... has potential. More than the last few comedies NBC has attempted to introduce, at least. Not that the competition (the god-awful-no-matter-what-anyone-says "Community," the evidently-unwatchably-bad-after-two-minutes "Whitney," the semi-racist-and-laugh-free "Outsourced") is much, but there might be something here. Just by casting Will Arnett (speaking of which, "Arrested Development" movie!!! Woohooooo!!!), Christina Applegate, and Maya Rudolph, this show gave itself a fighting chance. The pilot episode was intriguing but not yet fully engrossing. The Optimist is at least willing to try the next couple of episodes and see what else the show can muster.
4. "The Rum Diary"... looks pretty damn great. Not that The Optimist is a big Johnny Depp fan; those "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies are like what would happen if a seven-year-old took LSD while watching the newer "Alice in Wonderland" and playing with pirate Legos. Wait, actually that "Alice in Wonderland" movie is what would happen if a seven-year-old took LSD while watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and playing with a stuffed rabbit. Wait, actually, that "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" movie was like what would happen if a seven-year-old took LSD... Alright, you get the picture. Johnny Depp movies are weird. And so is this one. But it is also awesome. And not that The Optimist is all too familiar with Hunter S. Thompson, but he knows enough about him to think that his writing could make a great movie if it was done well. A+ to this idea.
5. Anna Faris... seems to still be looking for her star-making vehicle after "What's Your Number" bombed (not much of a surprise there). Faris appears to have fallen into the Eddie Murphy quagmire of being a funny person stuck taking tremendously unfunny parts for reasons unbeknownst to mankind. Is it that no one has written a script suitable for Faris's particular humor yet? That seems unlikely. In fact, if you had to choose someone to substitute for Kristen Wiig in the fantastic woman-driven comedy from earlier this year, "Bridesmaids," Faris would have been at the top of the list. As things stand, she has starred in a number of the installations in the horrendous "Scary Movie" franchise, appeared in "Take Me Home Tonight" earlier this year (The Optimist's enjoyment was not widely shared), starred in the so-called comedy "The House Bunny," and had a delightful series of cameos in "Friends" a decade ago. Not exactly a resume to take to the Academy for a Lifetime Achievement Award. Point is, with all the talent Faris has, this ship is waiting to be righted, but it better happen soon or her career could slowly slip away.
In other news, "The Optimist" is almost ready to do a fairly large summer movie wrap-up; look for that tomorrow or Wednesday. ALSO, HE HAS SOME GREAT NEWS THAT IS SO IMPORTANT IT MUST BE ANNOUNCED IN ALL-CAPS. STARTING TODAY, AND ENDING AT THE END OF THE MONTH (NOVEMBER 1), YOU MUST ONLY OBTAIN THREE (3) NEW FOLLOWERS TO SECURE YOUR PLACE ON THE WALL OF FAME. As the late, great Billy Mays might have said, this offer won't last forever, so claim your spot now! The clock is ticking. Anyways, thanks for reading. Adieu.
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