Summer Movie Preview: The Bad

Well, there's plenty to cover today in the realm of bad movies (though tomorrow's post has been renamed "The Why" and will feature all of the summer's sequels, which lightens the load a little), so let's get right into it. [Click here for yesterday's post, The Good of summer movies.]


Battleship (May 18)

Battleship comes out this weekend, but no one is holding his or her breath in excitement. Box office poison Taylor Kitsch (John Carter) teams with a comically misplaced Liam Neeson and an "Oh, she's acting now? This is necessary!" edition of Rihanna in what can only be described as the Hasbro Movie From Hell Besides Transformers 1, 2, and 3 So Actually the Best Hasbro Movie Ever Made. But seriously this is just Transformers in the ocean. Hooray?


Battlefield America (June 1)

The tagline for Battlefield America is "Where kids rule!" Think about how many totally screwed-up movies with that title and tagline could have been made that would have been worthy of some kind of attention ("The Civil War, but fought by ten-year-olds!") before realizing that this particular one happens to be about the youth step dance scene, presented by the people who made You Got Served, whatever the hell that is. Again--who is sitting at home thinking, "Holy crap, I can't wait for Battlefield America!!!" Try no one. Even the director. In fact, he's less excited than you are.


Rock of Ages (June 15)

Plus side: Julianne Hough (from the Footloose remake that absolutely no one outside of the gay-marriage-is-a-sin states saw) is in Rock of Ages, and she is very hot. Minus side: Rock of Ages is not a sex tape, it is a terrible-looking movie featuring Tom Cruise and Alec Baldwin, among others, as stupid stereotyped rock stars making jokes that wouldn't be funny in any universe at any period of time. And they sing. Please, try to hold your vomit in; five in every five dentists agree that the acid content is really bad for your teeth, and I don't want to be responsible for those kind of health risks.

That's My Boy (June 15)

Who isn't funnier than Adam Sandler these days? Seriously, name one comic actor where you could just be like, "yeah, that guy could never top Jack & Jill--pure gold!" It can't happen. This is near rock bottom for any comedian, when major studios are still funding your projects and no one has the guts to tell you they suck because there's still that moronic contingent of Americans buying tickets to see his movies. In other words, it's the territory that Eddie Murphy of A Thousand Words notoriety only wishes he could climb back into. In related news, That's My Boy could well be the end of Andy Samberg's reign of untainted respectability.


Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22)

It's almost unfair to put Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter on a list like this, because, relative to critical expectations, it can only succeed. Still--really? Despite what anyone says ("Oh, it was actually a really good book!"), this is a movie called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Think about that for a minute. Abraham Lincoln--oh yeah, that famous president!--MOTHERF***ING VAMPIRE HUNTER. What??? Why??? How??? Who finances this stuff???

Magic Mike (June 29)

Channing Tatum, male stripper: not hard to see why this got made; also not hard to envision zero male members of the audience in every single screening of this movie, ever. Guys will go to the theater on dates and be like "Oh yeah, let's see Twilight again. Just keep me away from the Channing-Tatum-takes-his-shirt-and-probably-pants-off movie." Also, if he's going to have a love interest whose personality is clearly beside the point, why does she have to look like a duck? It's these head-scratching decisions that make one wonder why one hasn't yet been hired as a top-level producer at a major studio.


Sparkle (August 17)

Coming in a strong second to Rihanna in the "why is this happening?" new actress category, Jordin Sparks debuts in Sparkle, a movie whose trailer sounded so unappealing I couldn't even bring myself to watch it. Basically, Jordin Sparks sings a bit, probably becomes a star, some lights flash, and sooner or later the director decides his crappy film version of the already-not-great new TV show Smash is complete and we can all go home and pretend we don't need a a partial lobotomy to forget what we just saw.


Hit and Run (August 24)

Apparently, the best way to build on being named People's Sexiest Man Alive and starring in a successful action movie (Limitless) and comedy (Hangover II) is to be the semi-villain in Dax Shephard and Kirsten Bell's "Let's make a movie together because we're engaged and almost B-listers and it'll totally rock and be cute and yeah whatever!!!" project. The Hit and Run preview has fewer laughs than a funeral. And not even a particularly comical funeral. Just your run-of-the-mill, someone-just-died funeral. Yeah. That bad.


Be sure not to miss tomorrow's final installment in the Summer Movie Preview trilogy (The Why, aka The Sequels), and in the meantime to become a follower. Another reminder--spots on the Wall of Fame are still available by signing up five new followers. Claim yours today! Alright, enough humiliating self-promotion... goodbye for now.